DanMargarita.com

The show can best be described as the choreographed banging of things by a group of eight young people. Objects that can be found in or around the house are used as percussion instruments and are banged in various rhythms.

Maybe it just wasn't the night for me, as many other people around me seemed to be enjoying the show. It wasn't all horribly bad, thanks to a scrawny little guy who provided much-needed comic relief.

Speaking of relief, I went to the men's room at one point, and upon my return I was informed by my companion (who shall remain nameless because she bought the tickets and cooks dinner for me once or twice a week) that I had missed the best part of the show. I responded that for me, going to the bathroom was the best part of the show.

Actually, the best part came at the end. That is, when it stopped.

It's not that I?m against offbeat or avant-garde theater. Last year I went to see Blue Man Group and enjoyed it very much. For those who are unfamiliar with it, Blue Man Group consists of three bald, blue guys who also bang things but provide some very clever performance art, as well. "Clever" is an adjective that I seldom put before the phrase "performance art." Usually it's "pretentious."

It's especially impressive to think of the hundreds of bald, blue actors that they must have auditioned before finding the right three guys.

The biography of STOMP in the program mentioned that it has been in many commercials "including Coca Cola's Ice Pick and numerous spots for Target Stores in the U.S." and then pompously adds, "STOMP does not make commercials for potato chips or ridiculously named hardware stores."

Oh, excuse us for thinking that STOMP could ever be associated with something as low-class as potato chips or hardware stores. I have no doubt that the Rockefellers make sure to have their limousine's filled up with caviar and Coca Cola Ice Pick (whatever that is) to occupy their time on the drive to the local Target Store.

Somebody was smart enough to think "Hey, let's get some people to bang some household items for an hour and forty five minutes and charge $45 bucks a pop and call it a show. Some people will buy anything."

I've decided to do them one better. Why even bother to grab items from around the house? I've come up with a show, which will really cut down on production costs.

My idea is to have a show that features the rhythmic orchestration of bodily noise. You may soon read in your local paper:

"Dan Margarita Presents: COUGH."

Yes, I could've gone in any number of directions with that.

So to parents I say, next time you have a splitting headache because your kids are driving you nuts, remember, there could be money in it.