DanMargarita.com

Enormous hype can lead to enormous expectations, which in turn can lead to tremendous disappointment, thus leading to many a disappointing wedding night, no doubt.

For example, people raved about the movie A Fish Called Wanda, but great expectations coupled with an already bad mood had me hating it. By the same token, my sister and her husband rented The Great Santini upon my recommendation, but wound up turning it off after ten minutes.

"Robert Duvall's character was such a jerk," my sister explained.

Well, yes he was, but if she'd hung in for the whole movie, she would've seen him redeemed in the end. You can't give up on a movie halfway through. That's like turning off It's a Wonderful Life when George Bailey is standing on the edge of a bridge contemplating suicide and saying, "This is too depressing." Only by sticking with it do you find out that Geaorge Bailey lives. (I hope I didn't spoil it for the .006 percent of people who haven't seen it.)

Yes, I did see Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and found it to be more like "Star Wars: The Phantom Plot." It was reasonably entertaining despite blatantly being a giant toy commercial.

George Lucas knows full well of the marketing possibilities. It's not just toys either. Most bars in America seem to have a Lethal Weapon pinball machine with Mel Gibson's picture on it. I wonder if in 1939 saloons across America had Mr. Smith Goes to Washington pinball machines. I can just hear a bell ringing and Jimmy Stewart's voice coming from the game saying, ?Another thousand points, a bill becomes a law." Trust me, that's much funnier in person with me doing the impression. (I promise, no more Jimmy Stewart references.)

Of course, it's generally action movies that exploit merchandising, which is sort of a shame. I can think of a number of films that might have benefited from clever marketing.

What child wouldn't want to play with the Ernest Borgnine Marty doll? After all, at some point hasn't every child played cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, or pretended to be an overweight, unattractive, lonely butcher from Queens?

Nothing compares to the imagination of a child, except the imagination of certain movie directors, in the opinion of some people.

How often have you heard a child say things like:
"There's a boogeyman in the closet" or
"There's a vampire under my bed" or
"There's a shadow government that conspired to kill President Kennedy and eliminate all possible witnesses."

Yes, for kid's who loved Oliver Stone's J.F.K. there would be "Junior Paintball." Now the little tykes can re-enact their own theories on what happened in Dealey Plaza and re-construct the Kennedy shooting.

There's the Goodfella's ice pick.

Mom can do her shopping from the Schindler's Grocery List, or how about Dracula denture cream?

If Mr. Lucas wants to call me for some ideas, I'd be more than happy to help.

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me opens this Friday.

Yeah, baby!