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We've already had a couple of casualties, so let's start with them and see what we might have missed.

Lamar Alexander---Proof that in America, any child can grow up to continuously run for President. His brilliant strategy in previous campaigns was to walk around New Hampshire in a flannel shirt. He didn't get many votes, but made a few friends when people stopped to ask him for directions.

Elizabeth Dole---To my knowledge, she has never held elected office in her life, although she was the head of the Red Cross. As Commander-in-Chief she could send troops into battle and see that survivors have plenty of blankets, coffee and doughnuts.

She probably wasn't helped out of the gate when her husband, former Senator Bob Dole, said he would give money to Sen. John McCain's campaign. Have fun sleeping on the couch, Bob.

It might be for the best, anyway. I was starting to feel sorry for Bob Dole. After fifty years of dedicated service to his country, Bob is reduced to doing commercials about "ED." After finally having some free time on his hands, and the invention of Viagra, where's his wife? Running around the country, trying to get elected President.

Orrin Hatch---See Lamar Alexander.

Senator Bob Smith---Left the Republican Party to run as an Independent. Apparently, having awakened to the smell of Folgers last week, he decided to call it quits. The death of Sen. John Chafee left an opening for the chairmanship of the Environmental and Public Works Department, which would have gone to Smith, had he not left the party.

With the job available, Smith suddenly decided that the Republican Party wasn't such a bad place to be and has rejoined it. He has made a bid for the job, hoping to grab Chafee?s chair while it is still warm.

Although he is from New Hampshire, he might as well be called "Buffalo" Bob Smith, because he has about as good a chance of being elected as Howdy Doody.

Gary Bauer---He called a press conference to vigorously deny rumors of an affair. There has been an upside to this for him: now people outside of his immediate family know who the hell he is.

Steve Forbes---What do you get the rich kid who has everything? The White House. His big idea so far has been the flat tax. Who can blame him? With his income, a flat tax will allow him to recoup the millions of dollars that he's spent on his futile presidential campaigns. If Steve Forbes didn't have millions of dollars, I suspect that he would be a third rate carnival hypnotist.

Next week: Part II

Last week I discussed some of the Presidential candidates for the 2000 election. Oh sure, I could've mentioned them all in one long column, but if I had done that I would've had to come up with something entirely new this week. Why write two columns when you can split one?

Anyway, let's get to it.

Jesse "The Brain" Ventura---OK, he hasn't declared himself a candidate, but many of his supporters are hopeful, and he's entertaining to watch. In a Playboy interview he denounced religion as "a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people." He may be the first politician in history to go after the atheist vote. He also said that he would like to be reincarnated as a woman's bra. Finally, a politician who isn't afraid to tackle the tough issues.

John McCain-Widely respected as a war hero and a man of integrity. So was Bob Dole.

Pat Buchanan---Has long criticized liberals as being soft on communism. Others have criticized him as being soft on Nazi-ism. He has left the Republican Party to join the Reform Party. His best hope is that they hold their convention in Nuremburg.

Alan Keyes---A black, conservative Republican. That makes this radio talk show host a minority within a minority. Traditionally, the Republican Party has been, to quote Eddie Murphy's character upon entering a redneck bar in the movie 48 Hours, "not a very popular place with the brothers."

WZLX's sports guy, Tank, has a better shot.

Warren Beatty and Cybill Shepard---Can the "Don Knotts for President" campaign be far behind? Beatty announced last week that he is not running for President, which is probably a good thing. Good judgement is imperative in the White House, and the man who thought that making Ishtar was a good idea may not be suited for the job.

Donald Trump---Like Steve Forbes, another rich kid figuring "why not?" Having seen the incumbent's amorous activities, Trump, who confesses to liking beautiful women, must see this as the ultimate pick-up line with chicks.

Bill Bradley---Has made national health care a priority. Polls show that most Americans want some form of health care reform, but the problem is how to pay for it. Hillary Clinton tried to tackle it, and it went over about as well as New Coke. Good luck, Bill. Also, he admits to having smoked marijuana seberal times when he was younger. No word on whether he inhaled.

Al Gore---Champions himself as an environmentalist. He had somewhere between 98 million to 4 billion (depending on who you listen to) gallons of water released into the Connecticut River during a drought, so that he could be photographed in a canoe. The fear in this corner is that he would use this logic and drop nuclear bombs as a peace offering. Gore moved his campaign headquarters from Washington to Tennessee, ostensibly to be closer to his roots. This may work, or it may resemble the ?Ellie May for Possum Queen? episode of the Beverly Hillbillies.

George W. Bush---Two things helped him run away from the pack initially.

1. Raising a ton of money, including $40 million from a group of Texans whom Bush refers to as "my best friends."

Note to readers: If anybody out there wants to give me $40 million, I guarentee that you will become my best friend.

2. Nobody knows what he stands for.

The best way to ensure popularity as a politican is to make vague promises and not take a stand on anything. As governor of Texas, Bush has been tough on drug offenders, sending first time offenders off to hard time. Bush has been reluctant to say if he was always so tough on drugs.

He didn't know the names of four world leaders when asked by a reporter. In fairness, I didn't either, but I'm not running for President. His election would ensure that he would be able to name one world leader. If stuck, he cold always check the nameplate on his desk.

I hope that this has been of some help, folks. If not, you may want to try eenie-meenie-miney-moe.