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July 26, 2000

Why?

Well, I suppose you all heard the big news in last week's papers. No, I'm not referring about the discovery of water on Mars, greatly enhancing the prospect of microbial life forms existing on the planet. I'm talking about the fact that ABC Sports announced that the new Monday Night Football broadcast team would include comedian Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller?

Also interviewed for the job was right-wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh. I'm guessing that former Ku Klux Klan grand wizard, David Duke, was unavailable.

Hey, maybe Dennis Miller will be great. Like most people, I laughed when I heard that Cher was going to act in a movie. Not only did she turn out to be a better actress than a singer, she became a terrific actress.

Dennis Miller?

When questioned about it, ABC officials claimed that Monday Night Football is an entertainment show and that in the 1970's, comedian Bill Cosby was considered for the job. This would not likely have worked, as I imagine that Cosby's long, drawn out delivery would interfere with the game call.

Bill Cosby: Well, ya see the quarterback takes the ball because the center says, "Hey, I don't want this thing. If someone's gonna get killed, I don't want it to be me, 'cause that's really what it's all about. Kill the guy with the ball...."

Howard Cosell: Let's recap the three plays that you just saw...

I have a hard time imagining Miller's hip, pop culture reference banter fitting in a football broadcast.

Dennis Miller: The referee blows his whistle and the players line up like some sort of Pavlovian, bovine experiment. All we need is Sergeant Shultz yelling "raus, raus" to get these guys to line up in some sort of Euclidian geometric formation to do their Rockette-like doe-see-doe at the line of scrimmage.

Al Michaels: Let's re-cap the three plays you just saw...

(It's a shame you can't hear me do these impressions.)

Dennis Miller?

Why stop at Dennis Miller? There's a number of interesting non-sports oriented people who could bring a new twist to the broadcast.

Al Michaels: The Jets were unimpressive in the first half and to find out what Bill Parcells said to motivate his team at halftime, let's go down to our sideline reporter, renowned chef, Julia Child.

Julia Child: I spoke with Coach Parcells and he seemed most upset with his team's performance. When I asked what changes he would make in the second half, he boiled over like a bouillabaisse that's been left on the burner too long.

How about "Halftime highlights with Florence Henderson?" or "Harvey Fierstein's pick of the week?"

TV ratings have slipped for Monday Night Football as they have for all sports. The diversity of cable and satellite TV have given viewers other options, and the introduction of Thursday and Sunday Night Football, have made MNF less of a novelty. Still one question remains:

Dennis Miller?

Posted by dmargarita at July 26, 2000 8:40 PM