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Jan. 1-----Doomsayers everywhere, already by nature and definition an unhappy lot, are further disappointed when the world doesn't come to an end. Keep your chin up guys; there's still the possibility of nuclear annihilation. Fear subsides as Y2K computer glitches fail to materialize, although by year's end my computer printer fails to work.

Jan. 10---AOL announces it will buy Time Warner in the biggest corporate merger ever. Bill Gates states that the sale price is "tip money."

Feb. 12---"Peanuts" creator Charles Schultz passes away at 77 as coroner announces "You're a dead man, Charlie Schultz."

Mar. 20--- Pope John Paul II visits Israel, completes pilgrimage in the footsteps of Jesus, expresses amazement that 2000 years later, footsteps are still visible.

Apr. 3---Judge rules that Microsoft violated Sherman Anti-trust act and attempted to monopolize the web; also warns Bill Gates not to buy Boardwalk and Park Place.

Apr. 14--- Protesters dump manure on Pennsylvania Ave. to disrupt meetings of World Bank and International Monetary Fund. Ironically, delegates can't come up with enough cash to send out for air freshener.

Apr. 22---Immigration agents rescue Elian Gonzalez, and return him to his father. Later a photo of a smiling Elian and his father is released. His cousin Marysleysis (which translates to "Mary slays us") says that the photo is doctored, because Elian doesn't even own a pair of Bruno Magli shoes.

Apr. 26---Vermont governor, Howard Dean sign nation's first bill allowing same sex couples to form civil unions. Considering the U.S. divorce rate, the term seems like an oxymoron.

Apr. 30---Hundreds of thousands participate in gay rights rally in Washington D.C., several make vacation plans for Vermont.

May 1---3.5 million Time Warner Cable subscribers temporarily lose seven Disney owned stations due to quarrel over transmission rights. Student test scores rise by 10 %.

May 4---"Lovebug" virus infects computer worldwide. Disney threatens to sue for copyright infringement for this as well as "Junglebook" virus and "World's Greatest Athlete" virus.

May 10---Blaze set intentionally to clear brush in New Mexico, destroys 260 homes, forcing 25,000 to evacuate. Local officials call a press conference to announce "oops."

May 14---Tens of thousands of mothers rally in Washington DC to demand stricter control of handguns. Ironically, many are robbed at gunpoint. Mothers claim guns are not only deadly, but can "put someone's eye out."

May 24---Maryland dismisses wiretap charges against Linda Tripp after judge disallows much of Monica Lewinsky's testimony. Later, Tripp tells Lewinsky "I hope we can still be...ah, forget it." Tripp, already America's most hated woman, gets even lonelier when her dog runs away.

Jun. 4---Unilever agrees to buy Bestfoods for $20.3 billion, creating world's biggest food company. A spokesman for Barnum and Bailey says that the Worlds Fattest Man is "delighted."

Jun. 14---Southern Baptists declare that women should no longer serve as pastors. After public outcry, they consider amending it to just "barefoot and pregnant" women.

Hundreds of fans torch police cars, vandalize businesses and set bonfires in the streets as they celebrate the LA Lakers winning the NBA Championship. Folks still in jail from the Rodney King-L.A. riots lament missing out on a return to "the good old days."

NEXT WEEK: PART II

Last week I gave you Part I of my Year in Review for the year 2000. Partly as a matter of saving space, and partly as an excuse for not having to come up with another idea for something to write about this week, I now present with you with Part II.

Jun. 30--- Arkansas Supreme Court committee sues President Clinton to strip him of his law license. Clinton, initially excited to hear that he's to be "stripped," vows to fight when he learns that it's referring to his law license.

Jul. 1---Confederate flag removed from atop South Carolina's statehouse. Senator Strom Thurmond complains that it dishonors the memory of those that he fought with during the Civil war.

Jul. 12---In Philadelphia, a video from a TV helicopter shows a dozen men, including some police officers, brutalizing a black carjacking suspect. Days later the cops receive job applications from the NYPD.

Jul. 15---A Florida jury orders five major tobacco companies to pay smokers a record $145 billion in punitive damages. Tobacco companies refuse to cough it up.

Jul. 20---Federal grand jury indicts two former Utah Olympic officials for their alleged roles in paying $1 million to bring Games to Salt Lake City. The Games would be good for business, as one official explained adding, "I've got a kid and five wives to feed."

Aug. 7---Al Gore selects Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman as his running mate. Lieberman is the first Jew on a major party ticket. His mother doesn't find out for two days, explaining "he never calls."

Sept. 6---The head of the Bureau of Indian Affairs apologizes for the federal agency's "legacy of racism and inhumanity" that included massacres, forced relocation of tribes and attempts to wipe out Indian cultures. However, Bureau denies designing the Cleveland Indians logo.

Sept. 12---Dutch lawmakers give same sex couples the right to marry (see: Vermont jokes in last week's column). Same sex couples can now participate in Dutch tradition of throwing rice and wooden shoes.

Sept. 15---Olympics open in Sydney, Australia. No one cares.

Oct. 1---Pope John Paul II names Philadelphia heiress Katharine Drexler a saint. She becomes the second U.S. born saint after actress Susan St. James.

Oct. 26---Yankees defeat Mets to win subway series. In bars all over Boston people yell "*!#@%&*"

Oct. 30---TV comedian and pioneer, Steve Allen dies, then immediately begins writing his next book.

Nov. 7---Election night ends, but election doesn't. Florida's 25 electoral votes, like co-eds during spring break, are up for grabs.

Nov. 16--- President Clinton arrives in Vietnam. George W. Bush, concerned that he may have to go, asks his father to get him back into the National Guard.

Dec. 6---U.S. businessman Edmund Pope is sentenced to 20 years in prison by a Moscow court for espionage. U.S. offers to trade comedian Yakov Schmirnoff in exchange. Russians decline, noting that Schmirnoff is really from Wisconsin. U.S. offers to send him anyway.

Dec. 13---Al Gore concedes after U.S. Supreme Court refuses to allow further counting of Florida ballots.Justices Rehnquist and O'Conner check to see how much money is in their retirement fund.

Dec. 14---President Putin Pardons Pope. The release of U.S. businessman Edmund Pope, not only is a goodwill gesture by the Russian president, but also contains the most "P's" in a headline since Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers. U.S. still offers to send Yakov Schmirnoff.

Dec. 22---Madonna marries Guy Ritchie in Scotland. Carlos Leon, the father of Madonna's baby, attends by himself. Madonna tells him she'll write a song about him to be called, "Guy Lonely."

There you have it. A look at but a few of the high and lowlights of the year 2000. Now it's time to settle in for 2001: An Earth Odessy.