DanMargarita.com

The discrepancy in the number estimates proves that either the precise amount of steroid usage in pro ball is not known, or that neither player is very good at math. Actually, both scenarios are possible since Major League Baseball doesn't test for steroid use, and very few players come out of M.I.T.

Steroid use might help explain why utility infielders are now capable of bunting opposite field home runs. Players have gotten noticeably bigger with the increased steroid use. At the rate they're going, you may one day see a ballplayer atop the Empire State building, swatting planes away.

Caminiti, who had never hit more than 26 home runs in a season, says he began using the steroids in early 1996 to help recover from a shoulder injury. The added bulk allowed him to belt 28 home runs after the All-Star break.

He also says that his testicles shrank and receded into his body, which means the steroids had two positive effects: they improved his performance and allowed him to play without a protective cup.

According to the SI article, one of the substances players use is a drug that is commonly given to overworked horses, so besides home run records falling, we may soon see Kentucky Derby records going by the boards as well.

Mr. Caminiti's revelations have compelled me to come clean as well. I use steroids. I don't lift weights, mind you. There's no need to go overboard.

I've decided that it's time to blow the lid off steroid use in the literary world. I am willing to go one step further than Caminiti, however. I'm going to name names.

I can walk into any Barnes and Noble bookstore and immediately point out the writers who are "juiced."

Stephan King---The man puts out a book, seemingly every other week. There can only be one explanation for such a prolific outpouring of work: chemical enhancement.

John Grisham---When he turned from a legal career to a writing career, all he could write about was traffic court, and small claims court. Once hooked up with anabolic steroids, Grisham was able to write best selling novels about murder trials.

William Shakespeare---Many scholars have long been skeptical that the Bard of Avon was capable of producing such a voluminous amount of work on his own. Some have suggested that Shakespeare was merely a "front" for other writers. In hindsight, it is likely that he was a regular visitor to the local alchemist.

Edgar Allan Poe---Well, the chemicals the genius behind such classics as The Tell-Tale Heart took, were obviously more mind enhancing than body enhancing.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle---Doyle's most famous character, Sherlock Holmes, as written, was a cocaine user (though that was generally overlooked in the old Basil Rathbone movies). Was Holmes' use of narcotics to stay alert and one step ahead of his enemies a reflection of a similar inclination of Doyle?

Agatha Christie---Come on. She had a moustache, for God's sake.

There you have it. When you see my name on the N.Y. Times best seller list one day, you'll know what I did to get there.