DanMargarita.com

Last week several pilot whales stranded themselves on a Cape Cod beach, making them seem like pretty bad pilots. So where was the navigator whale?

Scientists are at a loss to explain the whales behavior beyond the notion that the whales headed for the Cape because they couldn't get a place in the Hampton's. Perhaps they were merely trying to escape sitting in traffic at the Sagamore Bridge like the rest of us.

Another possibility is that the whales are attempting to go ashore to lose weight. They do have a tendency to have a problem with "blubber."

Whales aren't the only suicidal animal on this earth. Lemmings, a small rodent, undertake mass migrations, undeterred by anything and will continue into the sea until drowning. (Is there anything you can't find out on the internet?)

With no biological explanation available, the average lay person must look to psychological explanations to account for this bizarre animal behavior.

Maybe it's some sort of animal cult thing. All to often we've seen groups of people doing some insipid thing just because their leader has told them to. I can only surmise that amongst these groups of animals is the equivalent of some jerk with a bad haircut saying "Drink the Kool-Aid."

Perhaps the whales are tired of the sea life and have decided to see what life on land is like. After all, they are mammals. Whatever their quest, it will always go unfulfilled because just when they think they've made it to shore, some well meaning humans come along and drag them back into the sea.

The only reason I can sit here and write this is that a couple of billion years ago when our primordial ancestors crawled out of the sea and onto land, there was no one there to haul them back.

Of course there's always the possibility that it's just an example of mass animal suicide, in which case suicide prevention programs ought to be stepped up for marine life.

If we can record the sounds of whales mating, why can't we set up suicide hot lines for them?

"Suicide hot line. Can I help you?"
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
"You'll have to be more specific sir."

Part of the problem is that there haven't been any clues left behind by the whales, like a suicide note, which would answer a lot of questions:

My name is Orca
I live on the ocean floor
I'm heading for a Cape Cod beach
'cause I want to die ashore
If I should wash up on your beach
Please just leave me out of reach
Just don't drag me to the sea
Just don't drag me to the sea
Just don't drag me to the sea

So now the remains of the whales are to be weighted down and sunk to the bottom of the ocean to join a few hundred mob accountants.

It's kind of ironic that creatures who died trying to live on land will be given a burial at sea.