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July 24, 2002

Defrosting Ted

Monday night's wonderful tribute to Ted Williams was a pleasant distraction from the current controversy surrounding he and his family. The idea of freezing Ted Williams presumes that one day he'll be thawed out and brought back to life. I'm trying to imagine just what Williams will have to say when that day comes.

"Is it cold in here, or is it me?" asked the baseball legend.

"Both, actually" replied his son.

The year is 2054 and John Henry Williams, now 85 years old, two years older than his dad was when he passed away, has had his legendary father brought back to life.

Ted didn't recognize the aged John Henry at first. Then John Henry explained to his dad how he had been hanging upside down, frozen in a tank for the last fifty-two years.

"You moron, I told you I wanted to be cremated!" the startled slugger admonished.

He then looked down and noticed the brown spots on his arms.

"What are these?"

"That happened during the Great West Coast Blackout in '26. You defrosted a little, but the doctors say it's nothing serious."

John Henry explained to Ted that doctors had now perfected an artificial heart, and that he thought that the time was right to bring Ted back to once again be the greatest hitter that ever lived.

Ted thought about it for a second and then tore into John Henry.

"You idiot! When I died I had the body of a feeble 83-year-old man. I may have a new heart, but I've still got the body of a feeble 83 year old man!"

John Henry decided to take another tack.

"But Dad, I've made a fortune with this cryogenics thing. I've taken your DNA and had you cloned."

John Henry then crossed the room and opened the door. In walked five tall, lean young men. Each was the spitting image of The Kid as a young man.

A beaming John Henry poised himself to make the introductions.

"Ted Williams meet Ted Williams, Ted Williams, Ted Williams, Ted Williams and Ted Williams."

The Hall of Famer was stunned.

"You mean that for the last fifty two years I've been hanging upside down like Grandpa Munster in a nitrogen tank so you could do this? Why didn't you just cremate me like I asked?"

John Henry smiled.

"Look dad, sometimes you've got to make tough decisions to be a successful businessman."

"Successful businessman? Ha!" said an animated Ted.

"You couldn't run a successful business if you owned a store that only sold winning lottery tickets" he sarcastically added.

"Look dad, you're the only white player...uh, players, in the majors today. All the other players are Latin or Asian. They've even renamed it Major League Beisbol.”

This puzzled Ted. He couldn't figure out why American kids wouldn't play what he thought was the greatest game in the world.

"So what are all the white kids playing?" he asked.

"Professional skateboarding" John Henry told him.

"Who's the commissioner these days?"

"Cheech Marin"

"You mean that hippie comedian? He must be a hundred years old" barked The Kid.

"Yeah, but life expectancy's 150 now" said the son.

Ted was depressed. Everything that people had told him about John Henry was true. It was too bad he had to find out this way.

He finally came to a decision.

"Crank up the AC. I want to go back in the tank."

I always regretted that I never got to see Ted Williams play in person. If John Henry gets his way, I may one day get the chance. While we're at it, what do you say we dig up The Babe?

Posted by dmargarita at July 24, 2002 9:09 PM