DanMargarita.com

Jan. 5---Riding on a moped, Taliban leader Mullah Muhammed Omar escapes U.S. forces in Afghanistan. The Pentagon requests $1.2 billion from Congress for a moped defense system. Osama bin Laden is believed to escape on a skateboard.

Jan. 29---President Bush delivers his first State of the Union address, calling Iran, Iraq and North Korea an "axis of evil." Iran, Iraq and North Korea respond by saying "I know you are, but what am I"?

Feb. 3---The Patriots defeat the Rams to win Super Bowl XXXVI. The temperature in Hell reaches an all time low.

Feb. 4---Kenneth Lay resigns from Enron's board of directors. After this Lay-off, Lay if forced to get a job delivering Dominos Pizza to pay bills, feed his family and furnish his new $43 million house.

Mar. 14---The accounting firm Arthur Andersen is indicted on obstruction of justice charges relating to the collapse of energy giant Enron. The firm faces some $300 million in civil suits, all of which the company plans to write off.

Mar. 27---Veteran TV comic Milton Berle dies at 93. His family quarrels over which dress to bury him in.

Mar. 30---Great Britain?s beloved Queen Mum dies at 101. Singer Elton John writes yet another version of "Candle in the Wind."

Jul. 1---U.S. warplanes mistakenly bomb a wedding celebration in Afghanistan, killing 40. In an effort to ease tensions, the U.S. apologizes and offers the couple an all expense paid honeymoon in Iraq.

Jul. 5---Red Sox legend Ted Williams dies at 83. His body is then frozen in a cryonic facility by his son, John-Henry. This inspires the ever-entrepreneurial younger Williams to consider developing confectionary treats called "Tedsicles."

Jul. 16---American Taliban John Walker-Lindh pleads guilty to charges that he took up arms against the United States. The score stands at United States 1, Walker-Lindh 0.

Jul. 24---Nine miners are trapped in a western Pennsylvania mine. After 77 hours they are rescued, realize they live in western Pennsylvania, and decide to go back into the mine.

Aug. 9---Actor Charlton Heston announces that he is suffering from Alzheimer's disease. Later that day Heston again announces that he has Alzheimer's disease.

Aug 19---Pope John Paul II concludes a visit to his native Poland. The trip is a success with the only glitch occurring when four men are injured while trying to screw in a light bulb.

Sept. 12---At the U.N. President Bush says that if the U.N. fails to do so, the U.S. will force Iraq to disarm. He later says that they must also "disleg."

Sept. 30---Demanding better wages, health benefits and more jobs, hundreds of Boston-area janitors go on strike. They eventually settle, though they don't get better wages or health insurance, just more jobs as the strike has left the city a mess.

Oct. 2-3--- The "Beltway Sniper" kills six people in the Washington, D.C. area in a 16 hour span. Witnesses claim to see a white van leaving the area on several occasions. O.J. Simpson and Al Cowlings are brought in for questioning.

Oct. 11---Former President Jimmy Carter wins the Nobel Peace Prize. President Bush dismisses the announcement saying "I smoked one of those in college with some Indians."

Oct. 12---A nightclub is bombed in Bali. Some claim it's the work of Muslim extremists, while others suspect it is a leftover special effect from the Hope & Crosby film "Road to Bali."

Oct. 23---Rebels, seeking an end to Russia's war in Chechnya, storm a theater in Moscow and take 800 people hostage. The show is held over for 58 hours until Special Forces release gas into the theater killing 158 people and ending the siege. Russian President Vladimir Putin declares that the rebels must learn that terrorism is a "nyet-nyet."

Dec. 5---At a 100th birthday celebration for Senator Strom Thurmond, Senate leader Trent Lott appears to praise Thurmond's 1948 presidential campaign, which ran on a segregationist platform. Lott and Thurmond then make plans to get together on Hitler's birthday.

Dec. 9---United Airlines files for bankruptcy. The company plans to save money by eliminating peanuts as a snack on flights.

Dec. 20---Senator Trent Lott resigns as Republican leader. After his appearance on the Black Entertainment Network four days earlier, Lott says he wants to spend more time working on his routine for "Def Comedy Jam."

Dec. 15---The day after hosting NBC's Saturday Night Live, Former Vice President Al Gore announces that he will not seek his party?s nomination for the 2004 campaign, making him a "not ready for primary player."

Dec. 27 ---Representatives of the company Clonaid announce the birth of the first human clone, dubbed "Eve." The company was founded by the religious cult the "Raeliens," who believe that life on Earth was created by aliens through cloning. Many scientists are rushed to hospitals to deal with injured stomach muscles from laughing attacks. The Raeliens explain that their best hope of doubling the number of lunatics in the world is by cloning themselves.

So raise a glass and toast 2002. Hopefully you'll feel better in the morning.