DanMargarita.com

Yes, he could really fool us all and talk about his favorite "Ghostbusters" movie, but that's not likely.

The president hails from the state of Texas, a state where ten-gallon hats are common and the drawls are as thick as the mud from a polecat's paw (huh?). Of course, had the south won the Civil War, Mr. Bush would not necessarily be president.

This got me to thinking what the President of the Confederacy?s speech would be like if they had won the war. So, here is my "State of the Confederacy" address.

Mind you, this is imagining a worst case scenario in which the South had won and the slave owner mentality were still in existence. It is not intended to reflect anyone today but to poke fun at those who would hold slaves.

The President: My fellow Southern Americans, fellow slave holders, rebels, Momma, Cousin Ginny, the Gatlin Brothers, Klansmen, my brother Jim Bob and all the good citizens of the Confederate States of America, howdy. It is my pleasure and honor to address this esteemed body, and speaking of esteemed bodies, did y'all see Shania Twain at the Super Bowl? Wooo-eeeee! Damn, that woman is hot!

As I was saying, it is a pleasure to address the lawmakers of the Confederacy here in the nation's capitol of Richmond, and all the folks watching at home.

As you all know, the economy has been struggling lately. The boycott of southern goods by our brothers in the north has hurt us. Their decision to not trade with us until we abolish slavery has hurt us, but we will not succumb to their blackmail. And while we're on the subject of black mail, by executive order slaves will no longer be allowed to send mail to relatives in the north.

Relations with the north have been strained. We have reason to believe that they possess weapons of mass destruction, especially since they dropped two atomic bombs on Japan in 1945.

They continue to threaten our southern way of life, and so they must disarm or be disarmed. There must be regime change in the north. I call upon the people of the north to rise up and depose their leaders.

As for the slavery situation, it is a tradition that we must continue. We fought a great war from 1861-1865 to ensure state's rights. Mainly, the right to hold other human beings as slaves.

Cotton continues to be the staple of our economy. Staples are also selling very well. Our main competition comes from China, whose slave labor works for even less than our slaves, who work for nothing. Y'all sure gotta admire 'em.

Illegal immigration continues to be a problem. Vermont, New Hampshire and Connecticut have seen many of their natives overstay their visas in our country, for the purpose of freeing slaves. These rogue states, an "axis of Yankees" must not be permitted to continue to sponsor these acts of terror. Those who harbor terrorists will have to answer to us, whether they're up north or in the harbor.

Of course we must continue to enjoy the finer things in life like, "Hee Haw," Jack Daniels and the national pastime, NASCAR racing.

To all of you Confederates I say good night and God bless.

To all of you Stonehamites, ditto.