DanMargarita.com

The legendary comedian turned 100 years old last week, although at 100 the only thing he entertains these days are notions and ideas. For those of us of a certain age, Hope was a constant presence on TV while we grew up.

He is perhaps most celebrated for his U.S.O. Tours in which he entertained millions of U.S. servicemen and women, many of whom would die in battle shortly thereafter. From World War II to Desert Storm, Hope made his way around the world to bring jokes and Hollywood starlets to "our fighting men." Frankly, I was hoping that after he was no longer to entertain troops, we would be no longer able to have wars.

It's hard to imagine a war without Hope, so I kind of wondered what it would be like if he had been there at our first war. So now I present to you "Bob Hope's Revolutionary War U.S.O. Tour."

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the Master of Mirth, the Colonial Kidder, Bob Hope.

BOB: Hi everyone, this is Bob "for Poor Richard's Almanac" Hope here. It's great to be here at Valley Forge. Valley Forge is an old Indian name...it means "we couldn't afford to go to Florida for the winter." I haven't seen this much snow since the Continental Congress talked George Washington into becoming the Commander-in-Chief of the Army. Originally, Gen. Washington planned to have you guys spend the winter in Miami but then he got better rates here in Valley Forge. I haven't seen anyone make such a bad decision about changing camps since Benedict Arnold. That's the difference between George Washington and Benedict Arnold. One's getting a city named after him and the other one got a breakfast named after him. Of course I'm talking about "Eggs Benedict"...or as they call them now in Philadelphia, "Freedom Eggs." I hear that last week the British sent Benedict Arnold out to the henhouse to get some eggs, but then he turned the henhouse over to a fox. It's rough here at Valley Forge. You can't even get basic oral hygiene products. The men can't get dental floss and Gen. Washington can't get sandpaper. Well we've got a great show for you. Right now I'd like to bring out a little lady who designed a flag for you folks, and when you see her you'll see why she's raised a lot of flags. Please welcome Betsy Ross.

(She enters to whistles and cheers)

BOB: I just want you boys to remember what it is your fighting for. Say Betsy, do you have much of a chance to follow current events?

BETSY: No Bob. I'm pretty wrapped up in the flag.

BOB: Yeah, that's pretty much how I like to imagine you. What made you think of stars and stripes for the flag design?

BETSY: Well, I've always loved stripes.

BOB: Do you love stars?

BETSY: C'mon Bob. You're not that famous.

BOB: Well that's all the time we've got. I'd like to finish off with a little song for you.
(sings) Thanks for the memories, for freezing off your butts
and having lots of guts, for standing up to old King George
whom we all know is nuts, thanks so much.

Good night everyone.

Happy birthday, Bob.