DanMargarita.com

More than two dozen Lowell teachers flunked a state-mandated English fluency test last week. One teacher explained that the problem was that he was "good not at taking tests."

This follows the recent embarrassment of a Lawrence superintendent Wilfredo T. Laboy, who failed the test three times. As a result, Mr. Laboy will not be allowed to retire with the rest of the superintendents.

A 91 year-old man, J.L. Hunter Roundtree, was charged with bank robbery in Abilene, TX. This is Roundtree's third arrest for bank robbery. As a "three time loser" Mr. Roundtree could receive a life sentence, or as it's known in the Roundtree household "the next few weeks."

A toy company, Blue Box Toys, announced that it will be coming out with a G.I. Joe-style action figure of President Bush as he appeared when he landed on the deck of the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln in May. The company says the doll will include realistic features such as the flight suit Bush wore as well as the helmet, oxygen mask and the inability to pronounce the word "nuclear." In keeping with it's sense of realism, the doll will also avoid combat before going AWOL for several months. Former President Clinton was alleged to have kept a doll in the Oval Office, however that doll was said to be inflatable. The company, which promotes American hero action figures, is based in Hong Kong.

Much of North America was plunged into darkness when a massive power failure resulted in a blackout in large parts of the U.S. and Canada. Former Clinton Energy Secretary Bill Richardson described America as being "a superpower with a third-world grid." A spokesman for the third world responded by saying "There's two other worlds?" New York City leaders noted with great pride that the Big Apple suffered little crime or looting during the blackout. One would-be looter explained "I tried looting, but in the darkness I wound up stealing my own furniture."

SPORTS:

Rafael Palmeiro, designated hitter for the Texas Rangers baseball team, has invoked a no-trade clause in his contract that would've sent him from the last place Rangers to the division-contending Chicago Cubs. Palmeiro, also a spokesman for Viagra, explained the decision by saying that "My doctor says it's not right for me." Palmiero's decision has puzzled many in baseball who can't understand why Palmiero would block a trade that would give him quite a rise in the standings.

Sports Illustrated reports that Red Sox legend Ted Williams has had his head surgically removed from his body and frozen separately in liquid nitrogen at the Alcor facility in Arizona, surgery being the preferred method of having one's head separated from one's body. The head which reportedly has suffered several cracks, has been shaved and drilled with two holes. According to SI the company claims that it is owed $111,000 by Williams' son, John-Henry, and has begun legal proceedings to receive the balance of payment. A dispirited John-Henry Williams said "I need this lawsuit like I need a...oops."

Well, I don't have ink on my hands, but now I have to go wash the smell of that last story off of my hands.