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Jan. 6---Dolly the sheep, the world's first cloned mammal dies at age six, half the life expectancy for her species. Scientists are disappointed and admit that they feel "pretty baaaaaaad."

Jan. 25---Scientist Professor Fiona Stanley from Western Australia is named Australian of the Year. That's actually a big story in Australia.

Feb. 27---Beloved children's entertainer Fred Rogers dies at age 74, making it a lousy day in the neighborhood. Rogers is later stunned when a clerical error in Heaven finds him in hell being stabbed in the ass with a pitchfork.

Mar. 20---The U.S. begins its war on Iraq with a "decapitation strike" designed to kill Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein. The strike kills one person who is not Hussein and is not decapitated.

Apr. 1---Pfc. Jessica Lynch is rescued from captivity by U.S. Special Forces. The rescue is captured on videotape and declared the best TV "reality show" of the year. Forces arriving on the scene tell Lynch that she's been "punk'd."

Jul. 22---Uday and Qusay Hussein are killed by U.S. troops in the northern city of Mosul. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon says he's pleased to hear that Uday and Qusay are "Mosul-t'offed."

May 1---President Bush announces the end of "major combat" in Iraq. Bush then orders Major Combat to return to the U.S. The rest of the year continues with "minor combat."

Jun. 26---Just months after retiring, Senator Strom Thurmond dies at age 100. Before becoming America's longest serving senator ever, Thurmond served as Governor of South Carolina and Dixiecrat presidential candidate in 1948 when he fought to keep blacks off the voting rolls and out of white public schools. "Next thing you know, they're gonna want to play basketball" he declares. Later in the year, a 78-year-old black woman named Essie Mae Washington-Williams announces that she is Thurmond's daughter, the product of a tryst between a then 22-year-old Thurmond and his family's 16-year-old black maid. Thurmond's family tries to put a good spin on it by stating that it proves that Thurmond wasn't against all forms of integration.

Jul. 27---Legendary comedian Bob Hope dies from pneumonia shortly after his 100th birthday. Doctors speculate that Hope caught pneumonia while trying to blow out all the candles on his cake.

Aug. 15---Much of the northeastern U.S. and parts of Canada are plunged into darkness when a massive power failure strikes. This is bizarre because the blackout hit at 4 p.m. and it doesn't usually get dark until 7:30.

Sept. 12---Country music legend Johnny Cash, "The Man in Black" dies at age 71. Relatives raid his closet for clothes to wear to the funeral.

October 8: Action star turned politician Arnold Schwarzenegger claims victory in his election bid to oust and replace California's governor Gray Davis. Schwarzenegger also claims that "The Terminator" can kick Superman's ass.

October 15: China launches its first manned space flight. An hour later the Chinese feel like sending up another spacecraft.

Nov. 11---Pornography king Larry Flynt announces that he has nude photos of Pfc. Jessica Lynch in his possession, but won't publish them. The photos purportedly show Lynch frolicking with other soldiers, doing "more before 9 a.m. than most people do all day."

Nov. 30---Swimmer Gertrude Ederle dies at 98. In 1926 Ms. Ederle became the first woman to swim the English Channel, proving that women were just as capable of doing stupid things as men.

Dec. 13---Appearing bearded and unkempt, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is captured. He is found hiding in a hole in the ground that is described by U.S. authorities as a "rat hole." Several rats take offense with one noting "Hey, even I wouldn't be caught dead in that place."

Dec. 19---Singer Michael Jackson is arrested and charged with seven felony counts of molesting a child and two felony counts of plying the same child with an "intoxicating agent." Jackson's intoxicating agent denies any involvement. Five of the molestation charges allege that Jackson committed a "lewd and lascivious act upon and with the body and certain parts" of the boy. Ironically, that phrase also describes Jackson's performance during halftime at Super Bowl XXVII.

Dec. 20---After many years and billions of dollars, Boston's "Big Dig" tunnel opens up. Now Bostonians will be stuck in traffic jams underground.

There you have it. A year to remember except for the parts that you'd like to forget. Have a happy, safe, prosperous and peaceful New Year.