DanMargarita.com

(LIGHTS UP: Dan wanders onstage)

Dan
Wow. The Comedy Studio. God, we haven't done a Sketch Society show in ages. (Begins straightening up)

(WE HEAR A VOICE OVER THE P.A. SYSTEM)
Voice # 1
If you book it, he will come.

Dan
What?

Voice # 1
If you book it, he will come.

Dan
Huh?

Voice #1
Are you deaf?

Dan
I heard you. I just don't know what you mean by "If you book it, he will come."

Voice #1
You figure it out. I've got other things to do.

Dan
You're just gonna leave me hanging?

Voice #1
Look, I've got to go haunt a fisherman in Maine. Bye.
(DAN RESUMES STRAIGHTENING UP FOR THREE BEATS)

Voice #1
I've seen you naked.

Dan
What!?

Voice #1
(CHUCKLING) I'm just screwing with you.

(JIM ENTERS)

Dan
Jim! How are you?

Jim
Great. What are you doing here?

Dan
We haven't done a Sketch Society show for so long. I just thought I'd come by and take a look at the old place.

Jim
Me too.

Dan
What ever happened to that guy in the group, Rich?

Jim
Last I heard, he had a full beard and six inch toenails.

Dan
Let me ask you something. This might sound a little crazy. Do you ever hear voices?

Jim
Of course, doesn't everyone?

Dan
What do these voices say?

Jim
They usually tell me to do things like buy a loaf of bread, kill Bob Barker, clean the house, kill Bob Barker, pay the bills, kill Bob Barker.

Dan
Do you ever do what these voices tell you to do?

Jim
No Dan, that would be crazy. I buy bread when I need it, not because some voice told me to.

Dan
Well, I'm glad it's not just me. (THEY AD LIB CONVERSATION)

Voice #2
Kill Bob Barker! Kill Bob Barker!

Jim
Uh...I just remembered something I've got to do. I'll see you. (HE EXITS. ALISON ENTERS, EXCHANGES GREETINGS WITH DAN)

Alison
I just came by to see the old place. We haven't done a Sketch Society show in so long.

Dan
Say, did you ever hear whatever happened to that guy in the group, Rich?

Alison
Last I heard, he had a full beard and six inch toenails.

Dan
Let me ask you a question. Do you ever hear voices?

Alison
Of course. All the time.

Dan
What do these voices say?

Alison
Well, I really don't want to say...

Voice #3
Wax your bikini zone! Wax your bikini zone!

Alison
Listen Dan, I've got to go.

(STEVE ENTERS)

Dan
Steve! How are you ?

Steve
Great. I just came by to look at the old place. We haven't done a Sketch Society in ages.

Dan
I heard a rumor about Rich...

Steve
Which one? The one about his beard and toenails, or the one that he was killed in Viet Nam?

Dan
Beard and toenails. Let me ask you...this might sound a little crazy, but do you ever hear voices?

Steve
Whoa! Voices? That sounds a little "cuckoo-cuckoo." (BEGINS SCHIZOPHRENIC DIALOGUE WITH HIMSELF) You do too! Shut up! Don't listen to him, Dan! Don't listen to me? Don't listen to him!

Dan
I heard a voice a little earlier. It said "If you book it, he will come." What do you think that means?

Steve
I think it means if you book a show, someone will come; but who?

Dan
You know, I've had Rich on my mind a lot lately. Maybe it means him.

Steve
Could be! Let's book a show!

Dan
The others just left. You can probably catch up to them. I'll start setting up the place. (STEVE EXITS. DAN BEGINS SETTING UP THE STAGE. RICH ENTERS) Rich! Rich!

Rich
Hi Dan.

Dan
You look great. I heard a rumor that you had a full beard and six inch toenails.

Rich
I never had a beard!

Dan
This is amazing. We booked a show hoping that you would show up, and sure enough it worked. Now if we can just get an audience.

Rich
People will come.

Dan
What?

Rich
People will come. They'll remember a time when the Sketch Society made them laugh. They'll remember the inexpensive cover charge. Hopefully they'll forget about me and Hurley bombing in the "X-Files" sketch. But people will come.

Dan
(SEEING AUDIENCE) Where'd all these people come from?

Rich
Well, I didn't say there'd be many people.

Dan
I guess the show is on. So what have you been doing with yourself, anyway?

Rich
Pretty much just sitting in my room watching CNN and making pipe bombs.

Dan
Anything interesting in the news?

Rich
Yeah. Some whacko keeps trying to kill Bob Barker.