DanMargarita.com

That's for those involved with someone, however. Judging by the amount of commercials and email spam I get for various dating services, you'd think that no one on the planet is involved in a relationship. People spend millions of dollars every year on dating services and self-help books and tapes in an effort to find the right someone, or just someone. The big question is: how can I cash in on this?

Not being remotely qualified to give romantic advice (or auto maintenance advice, for that matter), I have decided that it's best to contact Margaritaville's own therapist Dr. I.M. Solo, "The Love Doctor" to see if he can answer the questions that many of you have. It should be noted that Dr. Solo has been divorced three times and his medical degree is as a veterinarian. Dr. Solo has written several self-help books including "I'm OK, You're Nuts," "The Sociopath's Guide to Success" and "Lover or Stalker?"

Dear Dr.,
My boyfriend "Arthur" and I have been dating for 15 years. I'm starting to wonder if this is going anywhere. What do you think?
JANE
As my fellow advice columnist Dear Abby would say "Wake up and smell the coffee!" In England she would say "Wake up and smell the tea!" In Russia she would say "Wake up and smell the vodka!" You get the point. Actually, you don't and that's the problem. Do you need to watch Arthur wheeled out on a stretcher with a sheet over his head to realize when it's over? It's time to throw Arthur and his X Box out the door, but first make sure he has a pulse.

Dear Dr.,
My wife is insatiable in the bedroom. She wants to make love constantly. What should I do?
JAKE
Thank your lucky stars.

Dear Dr.,
I have trouble talking to women. I can't look them in the eye when I talk to them. I stammer, sweat profusely and make strange noises. I have my hobbies. In the summer I like to kill ants with boiling water. In the winter I like to make false pledges to charities. Sometimes when I'm in my room I like to have conversations with imaginary people. What do you recommend?
LEONARD
A change of location might do you good. I suggest Southern California. You're more inclined to find someone you have things in common with there. More importantly, it's 3000 miles away from where I live.

Dear Dr.,
My wife of seven years had decided that to spice up our love life we should try some kinky things. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. What should I do?
QUINCY
Send her over to my house.

Dear Dr.,
I'm a single, professional male. OK, I'm actually a career criminal. Between the breaking and entering, larceny, fraud and swindling, I don't have much time to meet women. Can I ever find a "soul mate?"
RUSSELL
Since Ma Barker and Bonnie Parker are both dead, probably not. You do stand a good chance of ending up with a "cell mate."

Hopefully this has been of some help to those of you in similar situations, but I doubt it. For those of you blissfully in love, enjoy this weekend. For those of you still searching, there's always hope.

Happy Valentine's Day.