DanMargarita.com

Earlier this year singer Janet Jackson had a "wardrobe malfunction" during the Super Bowl halftime show that exposed her right breast and caused America to freak out. That the ancient Greek athletes conducted their games in the raw makes it obvious that they probably wouldn't have blinked an eye at a "toga malfunction."

According to Tony Perrotteta, author of The Naked Olympics: The True Story of the Ancient Games, in an interview with National Geographic, no one knows for sure why the first games were conducted in the nude. One story is that it began when a runner lost his loincloth and tripped on it, so in the spirit of fairness, the other runners removed their loincloths. The TV networks must've been thrilled that Justin Timberlake didn't follow that line of reasoning.

Of course, the summer climate of ancient Greece was apparently amenable to outdoor nudity and the winter climate most likely wasn't. Thus the Greeks never conceived the idea of the Winter Olympics. That's one luge run I wouldn't want to make.

The events of the modern Olympics weren't necessarily part of the ancient games. The athlete's attire, or lack of it, made the idea of hurdles somewhat dangerous. There was probably no relay either, seeing as a mix-up during the baton exchange could've proved embarrassing. There were foot races, though. These might have been the origin of the phrase "winning by a nose."

Married women were not allowed to attend the games, but single women and virgins attended with fathers often bringing their daughters to try to marry them off to the champions, proving that there were "trophy husbands" long before there were "trophy wives." Mr. Perrotteta also reports that there were sacrifices, which I presume, may have deterred the virgin population from attending.

There was no such thing as a marathon. That was implemented in the modern games based on the story of Philippedes, who ran 26.3 miles from the Battle of Marathon to Athens to deliver a message. Once he arrived he collapsed and died (hopefully after delivering the message).

The big event was the chariot race. It was a dangerous sport in which the vehicles went 12 laps around the stadium (if they were lucky) driven by aristocrats who probably didn't need to have the word "Valvoline" written on the side of their chariot.

The opening ceremony was much the same with the athletes filing into the stadium and swearing over a bloody boar's head in front of a statue of Zeus to obey the rules of the games. In other words, the same initiation as a modern college fraternity.

Like today, athletes were known to use performance-enhancing substances such as eating lizard flesh prepared a certain way. This is something that Barry Bonds probably hasn't been tested for yet.

Women weren't totally ignored, though. There were separate games for women who performed in short tunics with one breast exposed in tribute to the Amazon warrior women who were believed to have cauterized their right breast so as not to impede their javelin throwing.

So I guess not only are the games ancient, but so isn't the "wardrobe malfunction."

Originally published in The Stoneham Sun.