DanMargarita.com

Off to sunny California, I left five inches of snow and arrived at LAX about 10:00 p.m. Despite the hour, there's traffic galore and if you think driving into Logan is bad, try LAX where traffic converges from three directions. There is the constant honking of horns, mostly by cab drivers who don't have time to wait.

Mon. --- The morning after leaving five inches of snow I find myself sitting outside in a T-shirt drinking coffee at 7:45 a.m. and wondering "What the hell am I doing living in New England?"

My first stop is Disneyland, "The Happiest Place on Earth." For $70 I ought to leave here damn ecstatic. There are essentially two parks, Disneyland Park and California Adventure. It's $50 for one park, $70 for two.

I start with Adventure Park and head to the animation center, where I see a show with a Disney Artist explaining the process of animation with the help of a pre-programmed video of a Disney character voiced by Eddie Murphy. It's billed as a "comedy" show. I've seen comedy shows and this wasn't one of them. There is however, an interesting film bio on Walt Disney.

After that it's the Muppet 3D show. I've never seen anything in 3D except for old Three Stooges shorts from the '50's where a bad guy throws a knife at Shemp and you see the knife wobbling towards the camera, but without the proper equipment it's useless.

Walt Disney was a big fan of Abraham Lincoln, so it's a pleasant show in what is supposed to be a replica of Matthew Brady's photography studio where an automatronic Lincoln rises from a chair and gives a stirring rendition of the Gettysburg Address. The show ends when and automatronic John Wilkes Booth shoots him (kidding).

Then a visit to the Star Wars virtual reality tour. You get strapped in seats of a supposed space ship that aren't as comfortable as Mathew Brady's 1865 studio, and are driven by a robot who sounds suspiciously like Pee Wee Herman. The virtual turbulence seems pretty tame after having experienced real turbulence on my flight into L.A.

Another 3D experience was an entertaining one based on the movie "Honey I Shrunk the Kids."

Later dinner at the Tam O' Shanter, which was built in 1922. Designed inside and out in the style of a medieval Scottish manner, it was a frequent lunch spot for Walt Disney and his staff as well as John Wayne, Mary Pickford and Rudolph Valentino. The waitresses are dressed in Scottish garb, and except for the fact that the bartender's name is Orlando, you'd swear you were in Scotland.

Mon. --- Today I'm off to the legendary street corner Hollywood and Vine. There are a couple of theaters there including The Pantages, on the corner, which are clearly well past their glory days. The Pantages once broadcast the Academy Awards but now features Cathy Rigby as Peter Pan.

This is where the Walk of Fame begins. The sidewalk has star after star of Hollywood legends, many of whom I've never heard of. A funny thing about L.A., it doesn't matter if all four lights at an intersection are red or if there's no traffic whatsoever, people stop and wait for the "walk" signal before crossing the street. These people would be road kill on Comm. Ave.

As you make your way up Hollywood Blvd. you see the influence of Scientology on Hollywood. There's a couple of stores they have plus members offering a free stress test. Just for fun I decide to mess with one of them.

The stress test involves holding two rods connected to a meter. Then they ask you to think of someone stressful and when you do, the meter jumps. I purposely think of the least stressful person I can think of, Santa Claus. Of course no matter who you think of, the meter will jump. When he asks why I find Santa stressful (I really don't), I tell him I imagine him stuck in a chimney. Eventually I turn the tables on him and pepper him with questions. I ask him what he thinks is the origin of life. He keeps trying to refer me to the L.Ron Hubbard book "Dianetics," their Bible if you will, but I insist on getting him to answer. Eventually he admits that he realizes that he's lived several lifetimes on different planets for tens of thousands of years. It could happen.

Next stop is the "Ripley's Believe it or Not!" museum. The usual stories of human oddities, the best part are the optical illusions.

I then make my way to Grauman's Chinese Theatre where many Hollywood legends have their hands and footprints enshrined in cement. Who knew John Wayne's feet were so small?

They are setting up for that evening?s premier of the film "Alexander" so not all the prints are accessible. Famous movie characters roam the streets such as Superman, Snow White and Supergirl. Suddenly I realize that there are two Spidermen. I ask why and one explains "I'm comic book, he's movie." I feign mock surprise and ask who is the real one to which he replies, "We're two actors who need the work. Would you be doing this if you were making $20 million a movie?"

I slink away.

Then I spot "The Erotic Museum." I've been to the MFA, the Chicago Art Institute and the Hermitage in St. Petersburg Russia. What's one more museum?

Then I head across the street to have lunch at the Pig 'N Whistle (making sure to wash my hands thoroughly after "The Erotic Museum") which opened in 1927 and was often the eatery for movie stars of yesteryear.

(To be continued)