DanMargarita.com

Jan. --- Democratic frontrunner Howard Dean moves to Democratic third-runner after finishing there in the Iowa caucus. Later that evening, in an attempt to rally supporters, Dean makes like a fifth grade geography student and lists upcoming states and punctuates it with a blood-curdling scream that would frighten most fifth-graders. One by one, supporters avert their eyes and exit the room.

Feb. --- The New England Patriots win their second Super Bowl but the event is overshadowed by Janet Jackson?s nipple during the halftime show. Not that she has that large a nipple, but when co-entertainer Justin Timberlake removes a piece of her clothing, Jackson's breast is exposed as breasts are prone to do when uncovered. Timberlake later apologizes, calling it a "wardrobe malfunction." On prom night, I explained it to my date's father as a "Jack Daniels malfunction."

A Massachusetts courts clears the way for gay couples to marry, therefore clearing the way for gay couples to divorce. Thus, the ten percent of Americans that are gay have a chance to become one of the fifty percent of couples that divorce.

More than 250 pilgrims are crushed to death in a stampede during a devil-stoning ceremony in Saudi Arabia. The devil escapes with minor injuries.

Mar. --- Domestic Diva Martha Stewart is convicted on four counts of obstructing justice (you're supposed to help them convict you?) and lying to investigators. In an attempt make sure she doesn't escape justice, prosecutors also charge her with retransmitting a ballgame without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.

Apr. --- Seymour Hersh writes an article in The New Yorker Magazine reporting that U.S. soldiers abused Iraqi prisoners at the Abu Ghraib Prison. Photos are released showing naked Iraqi prisoners positioned in humiliating sexual positions. Surprisingly, none of them involve Paris Hilton.

May --- The Food and Drug Administration disregards the opinion of its expert advisory panel and bans over-the-counter sale of emergency contraception drug, the so-called "morning after" pill. The FDA advises pharmaceutical companies to try to come up with a "this isn't a good idea, night before" pill.

Jun. --- Former President Ronald Reagan dies at age 93. He is the longest lived president, while George Washington remains the longest dead one.

Jul. --- Senator John Kerry receives the Democratic nomination in his hometown Boston. Upon accepting the nomination, Kerry declares it "wicked pissah"

Aug. --- The 2004 Olympic Games open in Athens Greece. Nobody cares.

Sept. --- President Bush accepts the Republican nomination at their convention in New York. Bush is confused, wondering if he'd mistakenly gone to "Old York." Bush and Kerry meet as the two presidential candidates discuss foreign affairs, focusing on the war in Iraq, in first of three debates. Strict rules agreed to beforehand decree that neither candidate can use "I know you are, but what am I?" as a rebuttal position.

Oct. --- Martha Stewart begins her five-month prison sentence. Stewart thanks her fans for support and reminds them that all cakes sent to her in prison must contain low-fat files.

The Boston Red Sox win the World Series for the first time in 86 years. The temperature in hell drops to an all-time low.

Nov. --- President Bush is re-elected...uh...elected, over challenger John Kerry. Red states announce that they want to be blue states next time and not the color of "commies."

The $165 million Clinton Presidential Library opens in Little Rock, Arkansas. The library becomes the first presidential library to have a "kissing booth."

A Florida woman sells a 10-year old grilled cheese sandwich on eBay for $28,000 that many believe contains the image of the Virgin Mary. This is not the first biblical association with toasted food as one of the Dead Sea Scrolls quotes Jesus at the Last Supper as saying "This is my body. You want that toasted?"

The image has also appeared in the window of the Milton Hospital where leaking chemicals inside a sealed window formed a shape that many worshipers believe to be that of the Virgin Mary. Followers flock to see the window. Seizing on the marketing opportunity, Harvey Windows announces their new "John the Baptist" line of waterproof windows.

Dec. --- The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announces that it will donate $42.6 million to fight malaria. The money is initially to be sent online, but Gates? computer goes down thanks to an eighth grade computer geek who infects Gates? computer with a virus.

And so we wrap up the year 2004. May you all have a peaceful and prosperous 2005.