DanMargarita.com

America has had a largely successful record in wartime and the Iraq War will likely outlast George W. Bush’s presidency. If the U.S. loses, it will go on his record. Kind of like a pitcher leaving the game in the sixth inning with his team losing 6-4. Another pitcher comes in and if the team rallies, the other pitcher gets the win. If they don’t, the first pitcher gets the loss.

Surely, President Bush is aware of the fact that the success or failure of this war will be his legacy, as many past presidents have had their terms defined by war. Whether he began this war on ideological grounds or to boost his “stats,” I don’t know.

It is well-known that he was once a minority owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team and remains a big fan of the game. Americans are notoriously ill-informed with respect to history but are quite learned when it comes to sports. Thus putting America’s war record in a sports page type of format might make it more palatable to learn. In that light, let us now look at America’s “War Scorecard” to see how we’ve fared through our nation’s various conflicts.

The French/Indian War---Contrary to what the name suggests, this was not a battle between the French and the Indians. America’s “pre-season” war featured the British against France, with the Indians fighting mainly on the side of the British. This “spring training” war gave some much-needed “seasoning” to future American war star George Washington. Though the youngster fared badly by ambushing some French diplomats and later surrendering Fort Necessity, he gained experience that would later proved invaluable when called up to “The Show.”
(W) Britain
(L) France, Native Americans

The American Revolution---After a rocky start, America had a sensational rookie season, thanks to late-season pick-up France, which allowed America to defeat the superior British forces for its first war victory. The French were enlisted with the aide of the Marquis de LaFayette, a French import who became a one-war wonder for the Americans.
(W) Washington
(L) King George
(S) LaFayette

The War of 1812---Forget the Sox-Yankees rivalry, this rematch featured the Yankees-Redcoats. After years of spoiling for a return engagement, Great Britain once again locked horns with the U.S. and led for much of the conflict, going so far as to burn The White House. Play of the Game goes to Dolley Madison, wife of President James Madison, when Mrs. Madison rescued Gilbert Stuart’s famed portrait of George Washington before the conflagration. She would later reap a key endorsement for a line of snack cakes.

America managed to rally for a late-season victory, although many might consider the conflict a draw. This could not be so, since America became a coffee drinking nation and its citizens don’t say “ ’ello Guvn’r.”

Once again Native Americans fought on the side of the British with the hope of regaining their lands, but as usual are out-muscled by the wealthier, big-market teams.
(W) J. Madison
(L) Native Americans
(S) D. Madison

The Mexican-American War---America’s first venture into “expansion” was a pure land-grab. The U.S. picked up Texas on waivers after Texas became a free agent by declaring its independence from Mexico, which was news to Mexico.

President James K. Polk sent Gen. Zachary Taylor to confront Mexico’s army, led by Gen. Santa Anna. Taylor defeated the Mexicans despite being vastly outnumbered, thus making him a national hero and automatically eligible for the presidential draft.

One consequence of the war was that acquiring the new territories meant that the issue of slavery had to be determined in those territories, a.k.a. the “Designated Hater” rule. With this issue unsettled, it would eventually lead to the Civil War.
(W) Polk
(L) Santa Anna
(S) Taylor

The Civil War---America’s “inter-squad scrimmage” pitted the North versus the South. After a hard-fought conflict, the North won but tragically, changed managers just after the season. Confederate President Jefferson Davis is imprisoned, thus losing eligibility for the Hall of Fame.
(W) Lincoln, Slaves
(L) Davis
(S) U.S. Grant

The Spanish-American War---Another expansion effort largely promoted by newspaperman William Randolph Hearst, this was America’s first “away” war.

When the USS Maine was sunk in February of 1898, Hearst et al proclaimed it the result of an act of war by Spain. Although likely an accident, Americans were primed for war thanks to good p.r. work by Hearst.

Spain, once a big-market team along with Britain and France, is permanently relegated to the second division after losing Cuba, Puerto Rico and the Philippines to the U.S.

Teddy Roosevelt becomes the war MVP, winning the Triple Crown as military leader, statesman and icon.
(W) Hearst
(L) Spain
(S) T. Roosevelt

World War I (a.k.a. The Great War)---The “War to End All Wars” made the USA a superstar on the world stage. After years of carnage in Europe, the US enters late in the contest as a closer to clinch the victory under the military leadership of Gen. John J. “Black Jack” Pershing.

President Woodrow Wilson’s dream of a “League of Nations” comes to fruition after the war, but to his dismay, the U.S. doesn’t become a member. Poor contract negotiations in the off-season leave Germany destitute, leaving a power vacuum that would pave the way for a dictator to take control.
(W) Wilson
(L) Wilson
(S) Pershing

World War II---The even more popular sequel to World War I, World War II establishes the US as the greatest military dynasty in history. The power of America becomes so frightening that a call goes out among the USSR and it allies to “Break up the Yanks” which ensures a bitter and tense post-war era known as the “Cold War.”

Harry Truman enters the game late to replace the deceased Franklin D. Roosevelt who had been the starter for the U.S. Truman closes out the conflict by dropping two atomic bombs on Japan, making the US the first country to be “juiced” during wartime.
(W) F.D. Roosevelt
(L) Hitler
(S) Truman

The Korean War---After having an undefeated (6-0) record, America suffers a draw. Not on its game, the U.S. is forced to battle an opponent that is able to draft players from China and the U.S.S.R.
(W) None
(L) All

The Viet Nam War---Getting a little long in the tooth, America suffers its first defeat. Poor management by the front office marks the contest from the beginning. Lyndon Johnson assumes the presidency after the death of John F. Kennedy and squanders the goodwill of the public by maintaining a presence in the war. The extra-inning affair essentially ends after the U.S. heads for the showers, with the South Vietnamese taking the shared loss.
(W) Communists
(L) Johnson, Nixon, S. Vietnamese

Grenada---Still reeling from the Vet Nam loss, President Ronald Reagan schedules a tune-up bout with the tiny country of Grenada, a small country located…somewhere. The successful match with the “Bum of the Month Club” country enables the U.S. to boost its self-esteem in preparation for a possible larger contest with the U.S.S.R.

Ostensibly, the stated goal is to rescue U.S. medical students in the country but the conflict takes the country of Grenada out of the hands of its left-wing government. Though it counts as a victory in the standing, many purists bemoan the “watering down” of talent.
(W) Regan
(L) Medical patients everywhere

The Gulf War---Using new, high-tech equipment, the U.S. puts on an offensive explosion against Iraq after they make an attempt to expand their market into neighboring Kuwait. Iraqi manager Saddam Hussein promises the “Mother of All Battles” but barely provides the “Step-niece of All Battles” against the larger market Coalition Forces.

Still, despite the pummeling, Hussein is allowed to remain as Iraqi manager which causes later problems for the U.S.
(W) G. H. W. Bush, S. Hussein
(L) S. Hussein, G. H. W. Bush
(S) Schwarzkopf

The Iraq War (a.k.a. Gulf War II)---Reminiscent of Viet Nam, the conflict has started with poor management from the front office and may go extra innings. After a great first inning, the contest has gotten tougher for the U.S. and who will get the win remains to be seen.

Other Conflicts---Certainly there has been no lack of other military excursions of varying degrees, but while they were all too real to the combatants and those affected by them, they lack enough “innings” to qualify for comment here.

Of course, war is no game and it is not my intent to make light of it, nor the suffering it causes.

Hopefully if more people can be moved to learn history through whatever means, mistakes won’t be repeated and war might go the way of the St. Louis Browns.