DanMargarita.com

Jan. 12---U.S. ends it’s search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, it’s initial excuse for going to war, declaring there are no such weapons there. President Bush hints at a possible invasion of Tibet claiming there is incontrovertible evidence that “Bigfoot” exists.

Jan. 16---A 67-year-old woman in Romania becomes the oldest known woman ever to give birth. She claims her boyfriend pressured her into sex.

Jan. 20---President George W. Bush is sworn in as president for a second term. This will prove to be the year’s highlight for Bush as things go straight downhill as the year progresses.

Feb. 14----National Missile Defense System fails when an intercepting rocket doesn’t fire due to software malfunction. Scientists conclude that computer system failed due to clogging by spammers’ “Viagra” ads.

Feb. 16---National Hockey League officially cancels its season due to a lockout. America is stunned, asking “There’s a National Hockey League?”

Mar. 16---New England Journal of Medicine reports that if childhood obesity continues, the current generation of children will live 2-5 fewer years. President Bush claims that this is part of his Social Security reform program to reduce the number of future benefits holders.

Apr. 2---Pope John Paul II dies. He becomes the second Pope John Paul to die.

Apr. 19---Conclave of Cardinals select Joseph Ratzinger as the next Pope. It is an unusual choice given that Ratzinger is best known for playing “Cliff” on the TV show “Cheers.”

Apr. 22---Bush Nominates a new Chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff as Gen. Richard Myers is to be replaced by Gen. Peter Pace. Other candidates include: Clark Kent, Bruce Banner and Peter Parker.

May 16---Women in Kuwait win the right to vote. In keeping the the 1920's theme, the Boston Red Sox once again sell Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees.

May 31---Former FBI number 2 man Mark Felt, reveals that he was “Deep Throat,” the secret source for journalists who uncovered the 1970’s Watergate scandal. Convicted Watergate burglar G. Gordon Liddy reveals that while in prison, he too was known as “Deep Throat.”

Jun. 13---A California jury acquits singer Michael Jackson of 10 charges, including molesting a child, conspiracy, and providing alcohol to minors. The District Attorney’s office decides to re-examine just what crimes celebrities can be convicted of in Los Angeles.

Jun. 30---Spain legalizes gay marriage. Matador uniforms become Spain’s version of ugly bridesmaids dresses.

Jul. 6---London selected as the site for the 2012 Olympics. Sir Roger Bannister, the first man to break the four-minute mile barrier, is chosen to throw out the first scone.

Aug. 2---Musicians urge the world to unite to end poverty in Africa with “Live 8” concert. Unfortunately, they forget to unite in telling anyone about it and nobody pays attention.

Aug. 3---South Korean scientists clone a dog. Rather than a scientific endeavor though, the cloned dog provides lunch for six.

Sep. 1---New Orleans descends into chaos in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Desperate coeds trapped on rooftops are forced to flash themselves to get rescue lifts from helicopters.

Sep. 19---NASA releases plan for moon visit by 2018. The purpose will be to determine if there really is a dark side.

Oct. 3---President selects longtime friend Harriet Miers to be the next Supreme Court Justice, even though she has never been a judge. Bush explains his actions, saying “Hey, before I took this job, I’d never been president.”

Oct. 10---U.S. House of Representatives votes, 283–144, in favor of legislation that shields gun makers and dealers from liability lawsuits. Gun makers begin developing new shields against people who can no longer file lawsuits.

Oct. 26---New Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declares that Israel should be “wiped off the map.” This proves to be a disturbing event for Israel, not to mention map makers.

Oct. 28---Vice President Cheney’s Chief of Staff, Lewis “Scooter” Libby is indicted for obstruction of justice, perjury, making false statements and having the most immature nickname for a high-ranking federal official.

Nov. 15---Washington reporter Bob Woodward admits to withholding a leak. He also admits that he withheld information that he learned Valerie Plame was a CIA operative before other reporters but didn’t tell anyone.

Nov. 15---Major League Baseball and Players Association agree to steroid policy that suspends players for ten games for a first offense, 100 games for a second offense and a lifetime ban for a third offense for testing positive. A fourth positive test will earn a player a large book contract.

Dec. 13---The oldest known Mayan mural is discovered. Dating to about 100 B.C., the mural depicts the Mayan myth of creation. A Pennsylvanian school district immediately demands that the theory be taught in schools as an alternative theory to evolution.

Dec. 15---President Bush reluctantly agrees to back a bill by Senator John McCain that bans cruel, inhumane and degrading treatment of prisoners held in American custody. Bush is forced to console himself with the idea that he can always go back to Texas and execute retarded prisoners.

Dec. 15---The New York Times reports that in 2002 President Bush signed an order that allowed the National Security Agency to spy without warrants on U.S. citizens who are suspected of connections to terrorists. It’s the right move by our president, a great guy whom I like, respect and never speak ill of, I swear.

Dec. 20---Federal Judge John Jones rules that is unconstitutional for a Pa. school district to teach “intelligent design” in biology classes as an alternative to evolution, citing it as “a religious view” and “not a scientific theory.” Ancient Mayans protest.

There you have it, folks. Here’s hoping for a peaceful, joyous and prosperous 2006.