DanMargarita.com

Apparently, the Willet Elementary School has banned tag, touch football and other contact sports during recess. On the bright side, this school will kick other school’s butts when they compete in staring contests.

In several newspaper accounts, Principal Gaylene Heppe is quoted as citing safety risks and liability in cases of injury as the reason for the Willet policy. She may also have personal reasons, no doubt having been chased around as a child for being named “Gaylene Heppe.”

The story has generated national media attention, much to the consternation to School Committee member Jackie Romaniecki who said “I just don’t want to see a kid get seriously hurt” which reverses Attleboro School’s previous policy of injuring and maiming as many kids as possible.

Ms. Romaniecki’s quotes come from a article in The Boston Globe by Maria Sacchetti (who gets paid to do the legwork which allows me to comment on this situation) that points out several Massachusetts schools which have adopted similar “safe” play policies.

Some rules seem logical such as: no kickboxing or karate, no hanging by your knees from the monkey bars (unless you’re a monkey) and no throwing rocks. In any era, that could put “somebody’s eye out.”

According to Ms. Sacchetti’s piece, the Hanlon Elementary School in Westwood lists 29 playground rules and that only fourth-and-fifth graders can sit on top of the Moon Climber. One can only assume that six-and-seventh graders were employed as bouncers to check ID’s.

Things certainly have changed since my childhood when children could play freely at recess and the only cause for concern were cooties, not lawsuits. I hate to sound like a grouchy old man, but in our day, we made fun of the Chinese school system for their harsh treatment of students who were not allowed to laugh or have fun. It was even rumored that if they showed their teeth or tongue, they would pay a penalty. Now our schools seem to be acting more like them.

One of the games that I remember playing at recess was called “Kill The Guy With The Ball” in which the object was to…well, I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. I’m guessing that it’s one of the 29 things banned in Westwood. It’s not like you can equate tag with the vicious, school-sponsored game of dodgeball. Being forced to do that in gym class is one thing, but participating voluntarily in a game during recess where the object is just to touch another person, is a completely different matter. Even the name of the game “tag” suggests that it is not a brutal sport. If it were called “push” or “punch” or “kick” I’d be more inclined to support the policy.

Naturally, any parent would want to keep their child safe from any inappropriate touching, but one has to wonder if we’re raising our kids to avoid human contact that will see them grow up frigid, repressed and cost them thousands of dollars in psychoanalysis fees down the road for being unable to be involved in “appropriate” touching as adults. I meant that in the healthiest way possible.

This may have one other consequence. The makers of Tag Body Spray might just have to change the name of their product to “Don‘t Come Near Me.”

Perhaps hip-hop artist MC Hammer was simply well ahead of his time when he sang “U Can’t Touch This.”