DanMargarita.com

With a little help from the folks at infoplease.com, here’s a look back at the highlights and lowlights of 2006, with my own take added.

Bush Addresses the Nation (Jan. 31): In his fifth State of the Union speech, the president denounces Iran, calling it a country “held hostage by a small clerical elite that is isolating and repressing its people.” The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad responds with “I know you are, but what am I?”

Spacecraft Heads to Pluto (Jan. 19): A space craft, New Horizons, will travel three billion miles over nine years to study Pluto's atmosphere and surface. That’s a long way and a long time for a place that will later be demoted from the category of planet.

Protests Over Cartoons Turn Violent (Feb. 4): Throughout the Muslim world, angry demonstrators smash windows, set fires, and burn flags, protesting cartoons that depict Muhammad in a negative light. In keeping with the cartoon theme, protesters use Acme anvils, rocket powered roller skates and super-powered springs. Victims report large lumps on their head, bandages appearing on their eyes when knocked out and seeing stars circling their heads when regaining consciousness.

Vice President Shoots Friend During Hunting Expedition (Feb. 11): Dick Cheney accidentally shoots Texas lawyer Harry Whittington while hunting for quail. Whittington is hit in the face, neck, and torso. Upon hearing that Cheney was hunting for quail, former Vice President Dan Quayle goes into hiding.

Hussein Testifies for the First Time (March 15): In his 40-minute speech, former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein urges Iraqis to stop fighting each other and instead focus their attacks on the United States. Saddam also claims that evidence against him was planted by former L.A. Detective Mark Fuhrman.

European Investigation Reports Secret CIA Flights (April 26): Inquiry ordered by the European Parliament finds that since 2001, the CIA has conducted about 1,000 undeclared flights over Europe, transporting terrorism suspects to countries that allow torture. Despite being tortured, suspects become eligible for frequent flyer miles.

Iranian President Lists Grievances in a Letter to Bush (May 9): In his 18-page letter, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that the war in Iraq and the abuse of prisoners by U.S. soldiers contradict Bush's Christian values. Ahmadinejad closes by telling Bush to forward the letter to ten more people to achieve good luck.

Pentagon Releases Study on Interrogations (June 16): Report finds that techniques used by some Special Operations troops on Iraqi detainees in early 2004 were unauthorized and abusive, but not deliberately so. This is believed to be the origin such phrases as “Give him the unintentional rack” and “Accidentally off with his head!”

Reports Indicate That CIA Closed Bin Laden Unit (July 3): National Public Radio reports that in late 2005 the CIA shut down “Alec Station,” which was charged with tracking down al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. Congressional Republicans move to cut federal funding to shut down National Public Radio.

Former Enron Chief Dies (July 5): Kenneth Lay, founder and former chairman and chief executive of the energy-trading company, dies of coronary artery disease at age 64. That Lay ran out of gas surprises many, who thought that he would just keep on going and going and going…

Judge Rules Against Wiretapping (Aug. 17): Federal judge Anna Diggs Taylor finds that the National Security Agency's program of secretly wiretapping Americans' communications overseas without a warrant violates the Constitution. However, the court allows the NSA to listen through a drinking glass placed against the wall.

FDA Approves Morning-After Pill (Aug. 24): The Food and Drug Administration allows the over-the-counter sale of contraceptive pill to women over the age of 18. The first person to receive it is Rebecca Wilshausen of 563 Riverdale Rd., Muncie, Indiana, who can be reached at (529)555-1376.

Pluto Is Demoted (Aug. 24): The International Astronomical Union votes to redefine the solar system, and Pluto loses its status as a planet. This decision is considered by many to be Goofy. (Okay, a stupid joke but I couldn’t resist)

Bush Administration Paid Journalists for Reports Critical of Castro (Sept. 8): White House's Office of Cuba Broadcasting paid ten Cuban-American reporters to deliver anti-Castro commentary on Radio and TV Martí. The ten reporters are later hired by Fox News.

Pope's Remarks Outrage Muslims Worldwide (Sept. 12): At a speech at Germany's Regensburg University, Pope Benedict XVI quotes a 14th-century text that describes Islam as “evil and inhuman.” In an effort to disprove this stereotype, Muslims vandalize Catholic churches in the West Bank and Iraq.

Congressman Resigns Amid Email Scandal (Sept. 29): Florida Republican Mark Foley steps down from the House of Representatives after reports emerged that he had sent sexually explicit messages to teenage male Congressional pages. Recently discovered documents indicate that while in Congress, Abraham Lincoln sent sexually explicit messages to teenage male Congressional pages by telegraph.

Google Agrees to Buy YouTube (Oct. 9): The online search giant will pay $1.65 billion in stock for YouTube, combining two of the silliest named media companies in the world.

U.S. Charges an American with Treason (Oct. 11): For the first time in more than 50 years, the Justice Department charges Adam Yahiye Gadahn of treason, alleging he gave “aid and comfort” to al-Qaeda. Fifty years ago, Gadahn gave aid and comfort to Detroit Tiger’s slugger Al Kaline.

Democrats Take Over Congress in Midterm Elections (Nov. 7): Democrats pick up 27 seats in the House of Representatives, giving them a 230 seats to Republicans' 205. In the Senate, Democrats pick up six seats, enough for a 51–49 majority. Democrats also pick up tables and lamps.

Former Russian Spy Dies of Poisoning (Nov. 23): Alexander Litvinenko dies a few days after being poisoned by what turns out to be the element polonium 210. Before his death, Litvinenko claims that Russian President Vladimir Putin is behind his poisoning. Putin vigorously denies it, noting that all Russian poisoning deaths are cause by einsteinium.

NASA Announces Plan for Base on Moon (Dec. 4): Construction of the base is scheduled to begin after 2020, when astronauts will return to the Moon. Television network NBC argues that construction should begin after “Dateline.”

Circumcision Lowers Risk of Getting AIDS (Dec. 13): National Institutes of Health announces that the results of a study in Kenya and Uganda showed that male circumcision can reduce the risk of contracting AIDS through heterosexual sex by about half. Results also show that male castration reduces the risk of contracting AIDS through heterosexual sex by 100 percent.

Singer James Brown, “The Godfather of Soul” dies (Dec. 25): The singer is rushed to the hospital after announcing “I don’t feel too good.”

Former President Gerald Ford Dies (Dec, 27) : The 38th president’s body is brought to Washington, D.C. on Dec. 30 where it lies in state at the Capitol Building while receiving a 21-gun salute. Later that night, 21 people are mysteriously found dead of gunshot wounds in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney is held for questioning.

There you have it. The book has closed on 2006. Let’s hope that 2007 is a healthy and happy one for all.