DanMargarita.com

The Vatican has released a document for the modern era titled “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road” or in other words, the praying person’s AAA.

According to CNN, Cardinal Renato Martino told the press that “the Vatican felt it necessary to address the pastoral needs of motorists because driving had become such a big part of contemporary life,” while noting that people in the Bible, including Mary and Joseph, were on the move. Of course, since the most common mode of transportation then was a donkey, the issue of “road rage” was probably not a regular occurrence.

The document also suggests praying while driving, even saying the rosary along the way. For those unfamiliar with the rosary, the website www.rosary-center.org, says to:

1. Make the Sign of the Cross and say the "Apostles' Creed."
2. Say the "Our Father."
3. Say three "Hail Marys."
4. Say the "Glory be to the Father."
5. Announce the First Mystery; then say the "Our Father."
6. Say ten "Hail Marys," while meditating on the Mystery.
7. Say the "Glory be to the Father."
8. Announce the Second Mystery; then say the "Our Father." Repeat 6 and 7 and continue with Third, Fourth and Fifth Mysteries in the same manner.

This is particularly helpful if you’re driving cross-country. That’s easy for the Pope to say. He rides around in the “Pope-mobile” with someone else driving. It would be quicker to sing “99 Bottles of Holy Water on the Wall” although, saying the rosary backward wouldn’t be a bad idea for a field sobriety test.

Speed is not an issue in Vatican City though, as the speed limit is 30 m.p.h. which makes the slow-moving Pope-mobile sort of a dragster.

The document also suggests diocese’ set up chapels along motorways and hold Mass. That might be counter-productive if they’re serving wine at the Mass.

Most of us are familiar with the original Ten Commandments, but here is the list of new Commandments from the Vatican, with added commentary from me:

1. You shall not kill (borrowed from the original text).
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm (It didn’t exactly work out that way in “Rebel Without A Cause”).
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events (but as baseball manager Leo Durocher once said, “Nice guys finish last”).
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents (unless the bastard caused the accident, in which case, beat him senseless with a tire iron).
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin (“Hello, NASCAR? The Pope says to stop what you’re doing”).
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so (I’d be happy if they’d just stop driving while chatting on their cell phone).
7. Support the families of accident victims (unless you have a bad back of they‘re really heavy).
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness (and lawsuits).
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party (which is always me).
10. Feel responsible toward others (see: “lawsuits” in number 8).

Despite my usual attempt at wise-ass humor, these are pretty reasonable suggestions. So, during this week of American celebration, please drive carefully.

Better yet, walk…it’s good for you.