DanMargarita.com

Several news outlets have reported that a man in India, a Mr. P. Selvakumar, married a female dog to remove a curse he believes he has suffered since stoning two dogs to death and then hanging their bodies from a tree 15 years ago. I think most dog trainers now consider it cruel just to smack a dog on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and yell “Bad dog! Bad dog!”

After that incident Mr. Selvakumar suffered some paralysis and a loss of hearing, which he believes was the result of a curse. An astrologer told Selvakumar that the only way to remove the curse was to marry a real dog. Selvakumar may have misinterpreted that statement.

Family members chose the dog, Selvi, and then bathed (a flee bath, perhaps?) and clothed her. There are no reports as to what the wedding vows may have been.

“Do you, Selvi, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“Woof!”

I don’t know if other Western traditions were included at the reception, which may have been catered by Purina, such as “And the groom feeds the bride, the groom feeds the bride…and then he takes her out for a walk.”

Nor do the reports say just what the couple planned for a honeymoon, but it’s fairly reasonable to assume that on the wedding night there was a lot of “heavy petting.”

It was unclear where they plan to live but I’m sure they they’re already marked their territory.

I don’t know if Indian law calls for couple to get a blood test as I believe it still does here. Certainly, one would want to know if one’s future spouse has a communicable disease such as TB, an STD or worms.

As with any mixed-marriage, I imagine there will be difficulties. Do they plan to have puppies? If so, will they be raised Hindu or K9? Which holidays will be spent with his family and which will be spent in a kennel?

They may not even want children and may practice some form of birth control. He could have a vasectomy. She could go on the pill or be spayed.

Many marriages break up due to infidelity, sometimes known as “The Seven Year Itch.” To Selvi, that would be “The 49 Year Itch.“ People often drift apart over time and before you know it, your husband is humping someone else’s leg. Sometimes love can be a real bitch and in India, so can the bride.

Elsewhere in India, it seems the premise of the movie “Planet of the Apes” is becoming less of a fantasy and more of a reality.

The AFP News outlet reports that monkeys in the northeast of India are out of control, breaking into homes and stealing cell phones and soft drinks from refrigerators. The more weight-conscious ones are opting for diet soda. Well, making non-stop phone calls can lead to quite a thirst. These monkeys are probably in the same network, anyway.

This brings quite a different meaning to the Monkees TV show/pop group whose theme song starts out “Here we come, walking down the street. We get the funniest looks from, everyone one we meet.”

Of course they would. They’re drinking Coke and making cell phone calls.

Sadly, the deputy mayor of Delhi died when he fell from his balcony after being attacked by monkeys. This may add a new wrinkle to the Indian version of the board game “Clue.”

“It was done by Mr. Binkles, in the Conservatory, with a lead pipe.”

A government panel has formed a panel to study the problem. Let’s just hope is isn’t comprised of those DAMN, DIRTY APES!!!

The Delhi police might have to expand their detective squad to include “Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.” (Okay, no more ‘60’s TV/movie references.)

Fortunately, it’s comforting to know that this is a country that possesses The Bomb.

Woof.