DanMargarita.com

Jan. 2---Oprah Winfrey opens a school for impoverished girls in South Africa, also gives each student a car.

Feb. 6---NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak is arrested for attempting to kidnap a romantic rival. After driving from Houston to Orlando with adult diapers in her car, Nowak confronts fellow astronaut Colleen Shipman and sprays pepper spray in Shipman’s eyes, resulting in Shipman seeing stars.

Feb. 25---Al Gore’s movie “An Inconvenient Truth” about Global Warming wins an Academy Award for Best Documentary Feature. Gore also wins for “Most Lifelike Animated Creature.”

Mar. 6---I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby found guilty of lying to the FBI, lying to a grand jury and obstructing the investigation in the leaking of the name of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Not wanting an associate, much less a man named “Scooter” to have to serve hard time, President Bush immediately commutes Libby’s sentence.

Apr. 5---Several American dogs and cats die after eating poison-tainted Chinese-made pet food, yet deceased pets still manage to feel hungry an hour later.

April 9---Radio and TV talk show host Don Imus is suspended after referring to members of the Rutgers Women’s basketball team as “nappy-headed ho’s.” Imus’ remark is criticized as racist, sexist and unfair to well-coifed ho’s.

Apr. 10---Larry Birkhead, the former boyfriend of the late Anna Nicole Smith, is declared the father of Smith’s baby Dannielynne, beating out the parental claims of Howard K. Stern, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband Frederic von Anhalt and the Florida State football team.

May 17---Televangelist Rev. Jerry Falwell, who claimed that the 9-11 attacks were punishment from God for America’s liberal lifestyle, gets to discuss the matter in person with God when he dies at age 73. The passing of Falwell, founder of The Moral Majority, draws cheers from the immoral minority.

Jun. 13---1.5 million Thomas The Tank Engine & Friends Chinese-made toys are recalled due to a high lead paint content. When asked for a comment about the recall, Thomas declares “I think I can’t; I think I can’t; I think I can‘t.”

Jun. 26---Hotel heiress and renowned party animal Paris Hilton, sent for to jail for a DUI probation violation, is released from jail after spending 45 days behind bars. Upon her release, Hilton visits 45 bars.

Aug. 7---Suspected steroid and Human Growth Hormone user Barry Bonds passes Hank Aaron to become baseball’s all-time home run king by hitting HR number 756, which coincidentally, is also now Bonds’ hat size.

Aug. 13---Presidential aide Karl Rove, often referred to as “Bush’s Brain,” announces his resignation, effective Aug. 31. Bush then receives a new brain, named “Abby Normal.”

Aug. 27---Controversial Attorney General Roberto Gonzales, whose frequent use of the phrase “I don’t recall” in Congressional hearings frustrated lawmakers, announces his resignation. When asked by reporters why he was resigning, Gonzales replies “I‘m resigning?”

Aug. 28---Sen. Larry Craig (R-Id.) explains men’s room arrest for “disorderly conduct” in a press conference. Noting his “wide stance” in bathroom stalls, Craig declares “I’m not gay.” A survey of American males finds that most believe a wide potty stance to be “pretty gay.”

Sept. 16---O.J. Simpson is arrested in Las Vegas for robbery and assault, immediately begins work on his second book called “Of Course I Did It.”

Sept. 24---Thousands of protesters, led by 4,000 monks, protest against the military -ruled government of Burma. A non-self-flagellating sect, government officials provide the flagellation for monks.

Sept. 25---Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is indicted on charges of “unlawfully torturing and killing dogs.” Vick apologizes and promises that in the future he will make sure to “lawfully torture and kill dogs.”

Oct. 12---Al Gore wins Nobel Prize for his Global Warming effort, becoming the second person to win both an Oscar and Nobel Prize, after actress Rita Moreno.

Oct. 28---The Boston Red Sox win World Series. Hell, just thawing after the Sox 2004 World Series win, turns its thermostat all the way down again.

Nov. 5---TV Writers go on strike, compose some of the funniest and most creative picket signs in history, as well as some the worst crap ever written.

Nov. 15--Actress Lindsay Lohan spends 84 minutes in jail on alcohol-related charges. Lohan explains the short stay by saying that she got six minutes off “for good behavior.”
Nov. 15---Barry Bonds is indicted for perjury in his testimony in the BALCO steroids case, asks for Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer.

Nov. 29---British teacher Gillian Gibbons is found guilty by a Sudanese court of “insulting Islam” for naming a teddy bear Muhammad. She is sentenced to 15 days in jail while the teddy bear is sentenced to 40 lashes.

Nov. 30---Daredevil Evel Knievel makes his last jump---into The Great Beyond, as he passes away at age 69. Whether the daredevil will dare to dare the Devil, who is truly evil, remains unknown.

Dec.5----Actor Kiefer Sutherland, star of the hit TV drama "24" begins serving his 48 day sentence for a DUI probation violation. The booking takes place between 5 p.m. and 6 p.m. ("24" fans will get that).

Dec. 10---Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is sentenced to 23 months in prison for his role in a dog fighting ring. Vick’s 23 month sentence is the equivalent of 161 months to a dog.

Dec. 27---Former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto is assassinated after leaving a political rally when a gunman opened fire on her and then set off a suicide bomb, killing at least 20 other people. Government officials later claim that Bhutto’s death resulted from hitting her head on her car’s sunroof lever. While no autopsy is performed, a preliminary investigation declares “Yeah, right.”

There you have it. Here’s wishing you all Happy Holidays and hope that the year coming will be peaceful and prosperous for you and for me, humorous.