DanMargarita.com

According to a recent story in The Boston Herald, acting (like a Grinch) Surgeon General Rear (acting like that, too) Adm. Steven K. Galson said in an interview that Santa should “slim down” as a role model for children. While Santa is certainly admired by many, I don’t think he is generally considered to be a role model. I doubt there are a lot of 10-year-old boys or girls with Santa posters hanging up in their room. If he were a role model, though, a kid could do far worse than a perpetually jolly man known for his kindness and extreme generosity.

Obesity is a big problem in America, particularly with kids, but girls and women are often feeling the pressure to be thin in our society and struggle with bulimia and anorexia. We don’t need to see an emaciated Santa with his fingers down his throat.

Certainly, there’s a fine line between rotundness and morbid obesity. It might psychologically scar a child for life to see Santa clutch his chest and fall to the floor with no sign of breathing, so a balance needs to be struck.

The report states that the head of the (I’m not making this up) Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas (AORBS) Nicholas (appropriately) Trolli agrees with the acting surgeon general that Santa is “too fat” and that he has suggested that its 800 members lose weight in time for its July convention. I’m not sure if that’s for health reasons or just to make certain that 800 Santas can fit together in one hotel ballroom.

In a related article, The Herald reports that in Australia and in some American venues, Santas have been ordered not to say “ho ho ho” for fear of offending women. Used by Santa, this phrase is merely a version of “ha ha ha” and not rap slang for the word “whore.” Nobody would condone a Santa greeting people by yelling “whore!, whore!, whore!.”

One could understand instructing civilian employees to use “Happy Holidays” so as not to offend anyone, but Santa is a Christmas symbol. If an Orthodox Rabbi said “shalom” to me or a Muslim cleric said “May Allah be with you” I wouldn’t be offended but take it as them giving me a warm greeting in their own way.

This would be like insisting that the Pope to say “gazundheit” instead of “God bless you” so as not to offend anyone. He is the Pope and he does represent a particular perspective.

The article goes on to quote Tim Connaghan, founder of the International University of Santa Claus (their cross-country team’s horrible but they kick ass in wrestling) who has several regulations for the politically correct Santa.

“DON’T conceal your hands when a child has his/her picture taken with Santa. DO keep your hands visible at all times.” Okay, that seems like a no-brainer.

That goes along with “DON’T scoop up and child and place them on your lap. Ask the parents to place the child on your lap. It is never politically correct to touch a child.” Or legal or wise, for that matter.

“DON’T smoke, carry a pipe or eat strongly flavored food before meeting children and parents.” While not stated, you can probably add “lay off the whiskey and beer” to the list, too.

“DON’T promise a child anything you can’t deliver.” That’s pretty good dating advice, as well.

Perhaps some other religious and holiday symbols can reform themselves to project a more p.c. image.

Cupid can start wearing more clothing and for that matter, stop being allowed to carry a deadly weapon.

What child doesn’t enjoy the Easter egg hunt on Easter morning? That can lead to obesity, dental problems and diabetes. Therefore, the Easter Bunny should start laying healthy snacks such as cauliflower, broccoli and asparagus stalks. Of course, that might require him altering his own diet.

Instead of leaving a dollar, the Tooth Fairy should leave a euro, since it is currently more powerful than the dollar. This kid might want to go to college someday.

So as not to offend anyone, let me wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Ramadan, Happy Kwanzaa and to all a good night. (That should cover everybody).