DanMargarita.com

Most people are familiar with the story of David vs. Goliath, which is not to be confused with some court case called “David v. Goliath” or some Claymation religious TV show (Comedian Mike Donovan has a hilarious bit on that show. Check out comedianmikedonovan.com to catch his upcoming dates).

It is, of course, the Biblical story which one can find, as I did, on bible.com. Yes, the Good Book is online, alongside videos of Britney Spears and guys getting hit in the groin with a rake.

According to the book of Samuel 17:8 (if I’m reading that correctly. I only know “John 3:16” from Rainbowhead, the guy with the rainbow wig who for years was holding that sign at every major sporting event), the army of Israel stood across a valley from the Philistines, who sent out their champion warrior Goliath, to challenge the Israeli army.

Goliath’s height is listed here at “six cubits and a span” although it’s said the portrait artist tends to add a few cubits. Other accounts list Goliath as 9 feet tall. Considering that the average male of the time was about 4’ 6” tall, you can see why the Israeli’s thought of him as a giant and not just really tall. I doubt that they could test for steroids or human growth hormone back then. Today, Goliath would merely be a freakish entry in the Guinness Book of Records.

It’s said that Goliath “had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armor of bronze weighing five thousand shekels,” give or take a few shekels. He went forth and said to the Israeli’s “This day I defy the ranks of Israel! Give me a man and let us fight each other” (The Biblical equivelent of "Yo' mama"). Yes, Goliath was talking trash.

Saul (brother of Bernie), and the men of Israel were “terrified.”

Meanwhile, David, son of Jesse (was this happening on “Melrose Place”?) was tending his father’s flock, while Goliath came forth every morning for forty days to challenge the men of Israel. Everything in the Bible seemed to happen over the course of forty days (and thus would also be forty nights).

One day Jesse told David to “Take these ten cheeses” to the commander of the army (which included David’s brothers). If Goliath were marching about everyday for forty days, they should have sent him the cheeses and waited for the inevitable coronary, but I suppose they knew little of congestive heart failure back then.

Upon arriving at the battle, David heard Goliath’s trash-talk and said “Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?” (Hey, don’t blame me. It’s in the Bible).

Apparently, Goliath wasn’t wearing a complete suit of body armor if David could tell that he was uncircumcised.

David had no sword but just his sling-shot. Not the “Y” shaped stick with a rubber band like Bart Simpson would have, but a cloth used to hurl stones, which he had taken from a nearby river. Apparently, David ignored his mother's warnings that he could "put somebody's eye out." This proves the old adage “Give a man a stone and he will fight for one day. Show a man how to get stones from the river and he will fight for a lifetime.”

David approached Goliath and said, among other things, “This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head,” proving that our hero wasn’t above talking some trash himself.

David reached into his bag for a stone and slung it at Goliath and hit him in the forehead, killing him instantly, at least according to the Pakistani government. It seems that the phrase “full-body armor” didn’t mean a face mask.

Lest the Philistine’s think that their warrior had merely suffered a fainting spell, David took Goliath’s sword and cut off his head (Goliath’s head, not his own, which would be a pretty stupid thing to do).

Seeing their hero dead, the Philistine’s fled, pursued by the men of Israel, who managed to do some plundering of the Philistine camp on their way back. What’s a biblical battle without some plundering? Naturally, David kept Goliath’s head as a trophy, likely putting it above his mantle as one would a deer.

I don’t know what the Damascus oddsmakers had for that contest, but anyone betting on David and the points would have cleaned up.

If the Giants do defeat the Patriots, it will be a victory well-earned. Let’s just hope they don’t cut off Tom Brady’s head.