DanMargarita.com

Several news outlets have reported that a man named Thomas Beatie has given birth to a baby girl. I’ll give you a minute to re-read that sentence. Yes, you read it correctly.

Born a female, the 34-year-old Beatie decided about 10 years ago to become a man and began taking testosterone treatments and had his/her (for the sake of convenience, I’ll refer to Beatie as he/him for the rest of this article, since he is legally considered a man) breasts removed. Lest there be some confusion, this was done surgically and not through extensive work on the Bowflex machine, although does also claim to have “Buns of Steel.”

His wife Nancy, unable to conceive on her own due to a hysterectomy, told Oprah Winfrey in April that the couple conceived using artificial insemination. How that usually is done, I don’t know, but Mrs. Beatie told Oprah that she inseminated him using a syringe. Presumably, the couple then smoked a cigarette and waited for the results.

The couple own and operate a T-shirt printing business in Bend (as in “Gender Bend”) Oregon. This should give the couple a whole new slew of sayings to put on their T-shirts. I can see all the cute T-shirts hanging side-by-side, reading "I'm With Stupid" and "I'd Rather Be Fishing" and “My Husband Also Has a Vagina.” Rest assured, that sentence will be altered for the print version.

MSNBC reported on their website that the couple used sperm that was “purchased from a bank.” Perhaps someone should tell their interns that in journalism, clarity is one of the most important aspects of the business. MSNBC shouldn’t assume that readers will know that the purchase was made from a sperm bank and not the First National Bank of Portland.

Keeping his reproductive organs paid off, for while they used donor sperm for the insemination process, Mr. Beatie was able to use his own eggs. For my customary bad-pun-per-column, I’ll let you insert your own “Egg Beaties” joke here.

Mr. and Mrs. Beatie announced that the baby was not born by Caesarian section as previously reported, and before you say “Ouch!” out loud, it should be known that when Beatie changed his gender, he decided to keep his reproductive organs to retain the ability to have children someday. Coincidently, this also gives him the ability to be the most popular guy in his gym’s men’s locker room.

When the couple decided to conceive about two years ago, Beatie stopped his bimonthly hormone treatments and resumed menstruating. The products he will need for now will not be available in that same men’s locker room.

People Magazine quotes Beatie as saying “The only thing different about me is that I can’t breast feed my baby, but a lot of mothers don’t.” True, but not many mothers have to deal with 5 o’clock shadow.

The couple plan to keep an otherwise traditional family relationship and Mrs. Beatie told Oprah that “He’s going to be the father, and I’m going to be the mother.”

I guess I know what that means in terms of their relationship, but it leaves me with one question that still puzzles me:

Does Mr. Beatie leave the toilet seat up or down?