DanMargarita.com

It seems to occur mainly with non-fiction books so, although in the old days you never saw a book such as Oliver Twist: The story of an orphaned British boy and his journey through a cruel childhood of exploitation by the British government charity agencies and a series of street people during Victorian times (or was it Edwardian?), you also don’t see Stephen King’s Misery: The story of a mentally disturbed woman who holds her favorite author hostage after rescuing him from an automobile accident and forces him to revive her favorite character from one of his books. By the way, if you haven’t read the latter book or seen the movie…sorry for the spoiler.

A look through the non-fiction section of a local book store gives us In Justice: Inside the scandal that rocked the Bush administration by David Iglesias.

Okay, that’s pretty simple but the award for the longest title goes to Fleeced: How Barack Obama, media mockery of the terrorist threat, liberals who want to kill talk radio, the do-nothing congress, companies that help Iran and Washington lobbyists for foreign governments are scamming us…and what to do about it by Dick Morris. I’m guessing it took him nearly as long to write the title of the book as the book itself. “Fleeced” could also describe anyone who spends $26.95 to buy this book.

That title length is rivaled by Makers and Takers: Why conservatives work harder, feel happier, have closer families (perhaps referring to many Republican congressmen’s first, second or third marriages), take fewer drugs (I guess he’s excluding Rush Limbaugh), give more generously, value honesty more (for rebuttal, see: White House), are less materialistic (despite the average CEO pay of $14.2 million), whine less (ignore what former congressman Phil Gramm says)…and even hug their children more than liberals (not sure how he’s backing that up with statistics) by Peter Schweizer. The title is much shorter without my commentary.

Let’s take a look at some of the other books currently on the shelves and on the New York Times bestseller list that have either shorter or no subtitles:

There’s Life With My Sister Madonna by Christopher Ciccone. No, Madonna has not become a nun, but is in fact the sister of Christopher Ciccone.

What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami. Hopefully, he talks about something more interesting than the title.

Stori Telling by Tori Spelling. If her writing ability is the equivalent of her acting ability, the title might be the most clever thing about the book.

When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris. This is a collection of essays from the humorist and not a public service manual on what to do during a fire emergency. It is important to know, however…to “stop, drop and roll.”

Certain titles were always pretty self-explanatory and didn’t need a subtitle. Let’s give them one anyway, shall we?

The Dictionary: A collection of words and phrases that explain their proper pronunciation, meaning and spelling for people who are uncertain of the spelling, pronunciation and/or meaning of said words or phrases.

Certainly, the best-selling book of all time doesn’t need a subtitle, but that won’t stop me from adding one.

The Bible: The story of how God created the earth in seven days and of his son Jesus’ death and resurrection for our sins.

While I suppose that atheists would consider this particular book as fiction, this book is really in fact two books: The Old Testament and The New Testament. If you think about it, these books are sort of like the movies The Godfather and The Godfather II. As The Godfather II is Michael’s story, The New Testament is Jesus’ story, although Jesus doesn’t have anybody “whacked.”

Let’s hope the Evangelists don’t get their way for a third book, or The Even Newer Testament in which The Rapture occurs and the world ends. That would be even worse than The Godfather III.

As a writer, I find myself watching authors on C-Span II’s Booknotes on occasion, sometimes out of professional curiosity and sometimes out of a need to find something that will put me to sleep at 3 a.m.

I should definitely spend more time reading but when I can get all the info on books that I need from book reviews, C-Span and subtitles, I really don’t need to read more.

Perhaps I can start working soon on my memoirs. I already have the title picked out: The Other Shoe: a look at one man’s struggle to write funny things and more importantly, fill up space in his hometown newspaper while trying to make sense out of a crazy world.