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September 28, 2008
Lactose Intolerant
Regular readers of this space know that I tend to be left-leaning in my politics, but I try to call ‘em like I see ‘em, and if that means taking the left to task, I will. Thus, when I read recent news reports that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has asked the ice cream company Ben & Jerry’s to substitute cow milk with human breast milk in their ice cream, in my head it was a column screaming “Write me! Write me!”
I can appreciate that PETA doesn’t want cows to suffer, and kudos to them for bringing the plight of cows to our attention. If you’re wondering just how bad it can be, you can check out FactoryFarm.org but seriously, do you want human breast milk in your diet?
There are several things to be considered before going this particular route. First of all, do you plan to hire the thousands upon thousands of women it would require to replace Ben & Jerry’s milk supply? Just how many women would it take to produce enough milk to fill Ben & Jerry’s needs (insert your own Dolly Parton joke here)? This would likely be extremely expensive not to mention the image of several topless women hooked up to machines being “milked” (worst porn flick ever!) doesn’t exactly shriek “political correctness.” I’m not sure how PETA wants it to work but I don’t see them endorsing “women” farms where the gals are herded into a barn by border collies.
That certainly would’ve given John Wayne’s western films a different perspective of their cattle drives.
“We’ve gotta get this heard of women through to Sacramento, Pilgrim.”
As is usually the case, it likely will be destitute women, in serious need of cash being taken advantage of and being paid low wages for their services. I can’t imagine a woman giving up a lucrative career on the board of IBM to take up a livelihood as a wet nurse.
Sure, most of us start out with breast milk as babies which not only gives infants needed nutrition but also provides them with their mom’s immunities, so it’s a natural thing in that respect. Right or wrong, however, after a certain age we just don’t do it in our culture. Although, I’m sure if you searched the Internet long enough, you’ll find some fetish site or something where some people do it for kicks.
Just how and when humans came to discover that we could and should drink cow’s milk and not say, dog milk, I have no idea. Goat’s milk is often used for human consumption but offhand, I can’t think of any other mammal whose milk we consume.
Ben & Jerry’s is just one company and thus make up a small percentage of the cow milk used. Will PETA try to get all of Western society to replace cow milk with human milk? Will we start seeing billboards with famous athletes sporting a “milk mustache” with a caption reading “got boobs?”
Of course, if Ben & Jerry’s ever decide to make this switch to breast milk, this would provide them with a new array of flavors with cutesy names, as is their penchant, including:
Racky Road
Booblegum
Knockerwurst
Watermelons
Boob-Berry (not to be confused with the children’s cereal)
Nipple Chocolate Fudge
Reese’s Peanut Butter D Cup
And in keeping with their theme of celebrity-inspired names, such as “Cherry Garcia” there could be “Dolly Part-skim.”
However well-intentioned PETA might be in their attempts to save cows, I have to say that this is idea is simply (wait for it)…udder nonsense.
Posted by dmargarita at 3:11 PM
September 25, 2008
Stadium Daze
Let me state right off the bat, that I don’t hate the New York Yankees. Oh, and sorry for the “bat” pun…and that one, too.
This past Sunday night, the Yankees played their final game at Yankee Stadium, also known as “The House That Ruth Built.” There won’t be anymore games there this season because as has been much noted here in the Boston area, THE YANKEES WON’T BE IN THE PLAYOFFS FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1993…but again, I don’t hate the Yankees.
As a baseball fan I’m always happy to travel to ballparks other than Fenway Park (yes, there are ballparks other than Fenway) to see a game. Thus, I felt the urge to see storied Yankee Stadium one last time before it becomes yet another piece of rubble in the Bronx.
There are numerous ways to get to the ballpark, located in the South Bronx, from downtown. One is by car. The last person I know who did that, had his car broken into and several things stolen, including his tax returns.
The most common method of travel is by subway, on the D line which takes you to 161st Street. If you’re unsure as to which train to get on, just follow the mass of people wearing Yankees gear.
My ticket was for Row B, Seat 13 in the upper deck. One might reasonably assume that Row B would be the second row, but instead I found that much to my confusion, not only was the first row, Row “A” but that the second row was also Row “A”. The third row was Row B, as was the fourth row, and so on and so on.
I was able to figure out which Row “B” I was supposed to be in because I assumed the person sitting in the other Row B, seat 13, knew where he or she was supposed to be.
Having left an unseasonably chilly Boston, I dressed for the same weather in NYC but instead found my seats to be in the sun on a very hot and humid day. Being in seat thirteen meant that to get up and leave to go for a beverage, food or a men’s room break, I would have to inconvenience at least twelve people in either direction.
For a Red Sox fan, going into Yankee Stadium makes you feel like a cat trying to sneak into a dog pound. However, I’m not one of those fans who will wear Sox clothing into Yankee Stadium looking for a fight. I’m crazy, not stupid. In fact, since the Yankees were facing the Tampa Bay Rays, who are ahead of the Red Sox in the standings, I found myself in the unusual position of rooting for the Yankees. Sure, that may sound like General Custer’s wife rooting for the Sioux Indians, but if Mrs. Custer had a big bet on the Indians and knew her husband would still come home safe, she might make the wager.
As columnist and friend Bob Ryan recently noted in the Boston Globe, the current Yankee Stadium is NOT the same one that Babe Ruth played in. Okay, I’ve never actually met Bob Ryan, but I saw him at Doyle’s Pub once.
The current ballpark was constructed on the grounds of the original and opened in time for the 1976 season, and saw the Yankees win their first pennant since 1964. Not having currently won a pennant since 2001, that could be the reason why Yankee owner George Steinbrenner decided to open a new ballpark next door. If they win next season, he may construct yet another ballpark for the 2010 season.
Yes, I contemplated just what I might be able to take home as a souvenir, such as “Row B” but I settled for a couple of souvenir soda cups instead. That wasn’t enough for some fans though, as several news outlets reported that fans were trying to take seat number plates, a floor drain and even one guy who tried to steal a toilet seat. I can only assume that he figured that someone in the memorabilia market would pay big money for some remnants of The Babe’s e-coli bacteria.
Oh yeah, I forgot…The Babe didn’t do that in the current Stadium, either.
Posted by dmargarita at 11:48 AM
September 8, 2008
Ferris Hussein’s Day Off
Hey, folks…are you looking for a fun family spot to take the kids for vacation? Soon you’ll be able to take them to the happiest place on Earth! Yes…Baghdad!
According to AP news reports, the Iraqi government, in an effort to boost tourism, (yes, tourism) is requesting that companies submit plans to build a giant Ferris wheel, dubbed the Baghdad Eye, in the war-torn city.
The proposal calls for a 650-foot structure to be built so that residents and tourists will be able to have an impressive view of the city…as well as a clear shot at any target for miles around.
Considering the government currently provides about four to eight hours of electricity a day, one had better hope that they’re not in the top car when the power shuts off.
The proposed wheel will tower over London’s Eye, the popular Ferris wheel which stands at 450-feet by the banks of the Thames River.
Instead of single cars, it will have air-conditioned compartments that can hold 30 people. Hopefully riders will also have taken advantage of the available electricity and bathed prior to buying a ticket.
While violence has subsided somewhat in the past year, suicide bombings, sectarian violence and insurgent attacks still occur, which means it could still be dangerous for tourists to go there…or it could become the coolest carnival ever!
Baghdad residents are now less afraid to venture out at night, according to AP and recently a crowd of 10,000 soccer fans watched a recent match at Baghdad Stadium (aka “The House That Saddam Built”), the largest crowd for a sporting event since the U.S. invasion, or the last mass execution.
An American developer named Robert Kelley has announced plans to build a luxury hotel in the Green Zone, the area that currently occupies the Iraqi government and U.S. military offices. I guess luxury in Baghdad means having electricity and running water.
The Iraqi Tourism Board (and you thought your sales job was tough) wants to develop a “romantic” island on the Tigris River, once a popular spot for honeymooners. I can imagine some of the tourism slogans they’ll be working on:
“Baghdad is for Lovers…of Suicide Bombings”
“I (heart symbol) Martyrs”
“Live Free or…No, Just Die”
“You’ve Got a Friend in Iraq…But We Killed Him”
Also on the drawing board are plans for an 18-hole golf course, which should stop golfers from using the craters in the roads caused by improvised explosive devices (IED’s) that currently lack flag pins. I have to say that Ibrahim St. is really a tough dog leg to the right.
While three locations are being considered for the Ferris wheel, the most secure spot might be the city park, Zawra, which is next to the Green Zone and the Baghdad Zoo. Seeing as the Bronx also has a zoo, maybe that’s what the Bronx needs to attract more tourists…a giant Ferris wheel.
Of course it might take a lot more than a Ferris wheel to attract tourists. Perhaps they should go the whole carnival route. They could have the game where you shoot at mechanical ducks. A lot of these people are already armed, anyway. Then again, the Ferris wheel itself provides a juicy moving target.
How about the “Hall of Bullet-proof Glass” or a “Dunk the Infidel” tank?
Baseball is not an Iraqi sport so there wouldn’t be the game where you knock milk bottles down with a throw. On the other hand, a hand grenade toss would knock those bottles over (as well as the entire booth).
While the Ferris wheel could possibly bring some tourists, I would imagine that having basic amenities twenty four hours a day as well as decreasing the chances that people might be killed on any given day would be a better place to start.
If this project comes to fruition, it won’t be for quite some time, so next February you won’t be seeing this commercial:
“Hey, Matt Cassel…you just won the Super Bowl! What are you going to do now?”
“I’m going to Baghdad!”
Well, you might not see that commercial anyway.
Posted by dmargarita at 5:33 PM