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November 17, 2008
To Pee or Not to Pee
“To everything, turn, turn turn” says the book of Ecclesiastes. Okay, let’s face it. You know it from a song by the ‘60’s rock band The Byrds. “A time for everything” also means that there is a time to NOT to do some things such as: make a cell phone call…especially when you’re driving, performing surgery or perhaps most importantly, going about your business at a men’s room urinal.
Last week my sister and I went to Chicago for the Chicago Bears Alumni dinner and football game. No, I didn’t play for the Bears, nor did my sister Jean, although she was quite a speedster in her time.
Our late father, Bob Margarita, was a member of the Bears in the 1940’s, which although he has passed, has enabled us to become part of the Bears’ family and get invited to Alumni Weekend. Hey, I’ll ride my Dad’s coattails if it means a free dinner, a cheap price at a five-star hotel and free tickets to a game. I doubt Julian Lennon is complaining too much about living off his father’s name.
Anyway, there are plenty of things to do in Chicago and even if you’ve done them before, by the time you’ve had a chance to do other things, you don’t mind doing the first things over again.
One of the things I did was go to the top of the Hancock Tower Observation Deck. The big change from the last time I was there was the new version of audio tour headsets, which now feature visuals to help you follow along with what the narrator is describing. Oh yeah, the narrator is actor David Schwimmer, aka, the weak link on the TV show Friends. Unfortunately, his narration is as wooden and forced as his acting.
The view from the 94th floor is stunning and what information David Schwimmer doesn’t give you, can be found on the walls of the inside of the deck. Did you know that Chicago was where the Ferris wheel and the Twinkie were invented? More importantly, it was where the zipper was invented. This would come in handy for my trip to Soldier Field.
As the late, great voice of NFL Films, John Facenda might put it, “It was a blustery November day as the Midwest winds howled and a brief but intense flurry came across the plains of Soldier Field.”
As someone from Southie might put it, “Everybody was gettin’ wick-id hamm-ahd!”
Well, a few spectators were, anyhow. Not that anybody was obnoxious but in the true spirit of tailgating, fans had lubricated themselves before the game and were tipping some cold ones during the game.
My eighth grade health teacher told us that alcohol made you warmer, even if it was a cold beer. I suppose she was trying to discourage us from drinking, but I doubt she figured we could use that as an excuse to drink in the wintertime.
As a consequence, this tailgate Sunday resulted in perpetually long lines at the men’s and ladies’ room. Of course, ladies room lines tend to be longer anyway, but that’s a discussion for another day (I don’t know how you ladies get through it).
Like any middle-aged man, at some point my bladder reached its capacity, but seeing the long lines for the men’s rooms, plus not wanting to miss any of the game, I chose to wait.
It seemed logical that if there is a line, that line will eventually subside. Well, the beer line, where patrons can only purchase one beer per person, didn’t subside (likely because they only sell one beer per person), which was why the men’s room lines (and women’s room lines) didn’t subside.
At some point, I could wait no more. I plunged into the queue and waited my turn.
There are certain protocols in a men’s room. Keep your eyes straight ahead or down and don’t try to strike up a conversation while going about your business.
These are, of course, unwritten rules. You can scour the U.S. Constitution and The Declaration of Independence all you want and you’ll never see the phrase “bathroom etiquette” mentioned once.
While not an unwritten rule, it seems common sense not to be making a call on your cell phone while in the act. Suppose you drop it. Are you going to retrieve it? Is the call that important? Couldn’t it have waited?
The gentleman making such a call didn’t have that happen, but he did incur the ridicule of the men in line behind him, who provided their own version of his conversation for our amusement.
“Hey, Ma…is it supposed to be this small?”
He was so wrapped up in his conversation that he never realized that he was being mercilessly mocked.
The funny thing about having to pee is that the closer you get to the opportunity to do so, the worse you have to go. Having been such a cold day, as previously mentioned, I dressed for the occasion with a jacket, four sweatshirts (one hooded, in true Belichick style), a T-shirt, two pairs of socks and two pairs of pants.
I don’t suffer from stage fright, at least not the men’s room kind, but with an extensive line behind me, the pressure was on…in every sense.
Fortunately, I completed the task successfully and I was extremely glad that my two pairs’ jeans weren’t in the old fashion “button fly” style, all because of a great Chicago invention…the zipper.
You were wondering how I was going to tie all of this in, weren’t you?
Then I was able to go back and watch the game in peace.
Too bad they didn’t sell Twinkies.
Posted by dmargarita at 11:52 AM
November 11, 2008
Revolutionary Mud
ELECTION DAY---By the time you read this column, we will have selected a new president of the United States of America. Of course, I made that same declaration in 2000, only to have the election drag on for several more weeks.
People decry the mudslinging in presidential campaigns, and this year is no different with John McCain (whose 2000 campaign was derailed by George W. Bush’s camp’s innuendo) and his minions, intimating that Barack Obama is a socialist, a Muslim, and a terrorist, among other things. For their part, the Obama camp has said that John McCain is…old.
Historians often appear on TV and declare that dirty campaigns have always been a part of American history (yeah, I’m talking about you, Kearns-Goodwin), but that certainly wasn’t the case at the very beginning. The revered and beloved George Washington ran unopposed, so if there was any mudslinging, he would’ve had to have thrown it at himself. That certainly would’ve made for an interesting stump speech.
“My fellow Americans, I would not trust me on foreign issues. I have no experience in these matters, so vote for me at your own peril.”
According to CNN's website, Washington’s successors, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson began what we now know as “mudslinging.” The Jeffersonian’s accused Adams of being a “hermaphrodite” while the Adam’s camp called Jefferson “the son of a half-breed Indian squaw, sired by a Virginia mulatto father."
If the latter were true, Barack Obama wouldn’t actually be making history if elected.
Speaking of slavery (there’s a segue you don’t often hear), Jefferson had hired a man named James Callendar to smear Adams (sort of the first Karl Rove) which resulted in Callendar going to prison for slander. Upon his release from prison, Callendar, feeling unsupported by Jefferson, broke the story that Jefferson had not only lived with, but fathered children with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings.
Jefferson ignored the charge, with no “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Sally Hemings” type of press conference. While certainly a brilliant and well-read man, Jefferson could not have foreseen the advent of something called DNA testing.
The Adams family (the presidents, not the freaks Morticia and Gomez) lived through another dirty campaign when Andrew Jackson ran against incumbent John Quincy Adams in 1828.
Jackson supporters mocked Adams as and “elitist” (we’ve come a long way, haven’t we?) and his education and intelligence were used against him. You certainly don’t want those qualities in a president. On the other hand, Jackson was illiterate and probably couldn’t even have read the children’s book My Pet Goat.
Rumors were spread that while an ambassador to Russia, Adams had procured American girls for sex for the czar and Adams was labeled a “pimp.” Perhaps the wide-brimmed purple hat and purple carriage didn’t help his image any.
While that charge is likely untrue, the Adams charge of bigamy against Jackson’s wife appears to have been valid. It seems that Rachel Jackson didn’t bother to get a divorce from her previous husband before marrying Jackson. I suppose the Adams camp would’ve had a field day if they had run agaisnt Jerry Lee Lewis.
Things weren’t much better in the election of 1884 when it was revealed that candidate Grover Cleveland, a bachelor, had fathered a child out of wedlock. This promoted chants from opponents of “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa?” This was sort of the Youtube moment of 1884. Despite this, Cleveland won the election and his supporters retorted “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa? Gone to the White House, ha ha ha!” Since child labors laws weren’t in effect at the time, it appears that that Cleveland hired some 12 years olds on his campaign staff.
Cleveland’s lack of military service didn’t help him at all. Oh, he could have served in the Civil War, but sent a replacement to fight for him, which was legal at the time. He didn’t need to have his father get him into the National Guard.
Tomorrow when I wake up, I will find out who our new Commander-in-Chief is. Well, probably.
Posted by dmargarita at 7:36 PM