DanMargarita.com

People decry the mudslinging in presidential campaigns, and this year is no different with John McCain (whose 2000 campaign was derailed by George W. Bush’s camp’s innuendo) and his minions, intimating that Barack Obama is a socialist, a Muslim, and a terrorist, among other things. For their part, the Obama camp has said that John McCain is…old.

Historians often appear on TV and declare that dirty campaigns have always been a part of American history (yeah, I’m talking about you, Kearns-Goodwin), but that certainly wasn’t the case at the very beginning. The revered and beloved George Washington ran unopposed, so if there was any mudslinging, he would’ve had to have thrown it at himself. That certainly would’ve made for an interesting stump speech.

“My fellow Americans, I would not trust me on foreign issues. I have no experience in these matters, so vote for me at your own peril.”

According to CNN's website, Washington’s successors, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson began what we now know as “mudslinging.” The Jeffersonian’s accused Adams of being a “hermaphrodite” while the Adam’s camp called Jefferson “the son of a half-breed Indian squaw, sired by a Virginia mulatto father."

If the latter were true, Barack Obama wouldn’t actually be making history if elected.

Speaking of slavery (there’s a segue you don’t often hear), Jefferson had hired a man named James Callendar to smear Adams (sort of the first Karl Rove) which resulted in Callendar going to prison for slander. Upon his release from prison, Callendar, feeling unsupported by Jefferson, broke the story that Jefferson had not only lived with, but fathered children with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings.

Jefferson ignored the charge, with no “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Sally Hemings” type of press conference. While certainly a brilliant and well-read man, Jefferson could not have foreseen the advent of something called DNA testing.

The Adams family (the presidents, not the freaks Morticia and Gomez) lived through another dirty campaign when Andrew Jackson ran against incumbent John Quincy Adams in 1828.

Jackson supporters mocked Adams as and “elitist” (we’ve come a long way, haven’t we?) and his education and intelligence were used against him. You certainly don’t want those qualities in a president. On the other hand, Jackson was illiterate and probably couldn’t even have read the children’s book My Pet Goat.

Rumors were spread that while an ambassador to Russia, Adams had procured American girls for sex for the czar and Adams was labeled a “pimp.” Perhaps the wide-brimmed purple hat and purple carriage didn’t help his image any.

While that charge is likely untrue, the Adams charge of bigamy against Jackson’s wife appears to have been valid. It seems that Rachel Jackson didn’t bother to get a divorce from her previous husband before marrying Jackson. I suppose the Adams camp would’ve had a field day if they had run agaisnt Jerry Lee Lewis.

Things weren’t much better in the election of 1884 when it was revealed that candidate Grover Cleveland, a bachelor, had fathered a child out of wedlock. This promoted chants from opponents of “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa?” This was sort of the Youtube moment of 1884. Despite this, Cleveland won the election and his supporters retorted “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa? Gone to the White House, ha ha ha!” Since child labors laws weren’t in effect at the time, it appears that that Cleveland hired some 12 years olds on his campaign staff.

Cleveland’s lack of military service didn’t help him at all. Oh, he could have served in the Civil War, but sent a replacement to fight for him, which was legal at the time. He didn’t need to have his father get him into the National Guard.

Tomorrow when I wake up, I will find out who our new Commander-in-Chief is. Well, probably.