DanMargarita.com

Last week my sister and I went to Chicago for the Chicago Bears Alumni dinner and football game. No, I didn’t play for the Bears, nor did my sister Jean, although she was quite a speedster in her time.

Our late father, Bob Margarita, was a member of the Bears in the 1940’s, which although he has passed, has enabled us to become part of the Bears’ family and get invited to Alumni Weekend. Hey, I’ll ride my Dad’s coattails if it means a free dinner, a cheap price at a five-star hotel and free tickets to a game. I doubt Julian Lennon is complaining too much about living off his father’s name.

Anyway, there are plenty of things to do in Chicago and even if you’ve done them before, by the time you’ve had a chance to do other things, you don’t mind doing the first things over again.

One of the things I did was go to the top of the Hancock Tower Observation Deck. The big change from the last time I was there was the new version of audio tour headsets, which now feature visuals to help you follow along with what the narrator is describing. Oh yeah, the narrator is actor David Schwimmer, aka, the weak link on the TV show Friends. Unfortunately, his narration is as wooden and forced as his acting.

The view from the 94th floor is stunning and what information David Schwimmer doesn’t give you, can be found on the walls of the inside of the deck. Did you know that Chicago was where the Ferris wheel and the Twinkie were invented? More importantly, it was where the zipper was invented. This would come in handy for my trip to Soldier Field.

As the late, great voice of NFL Films, John Facenda might put it, “It was a blustery November day as the Midwest winds howled and a brief but intense flurry came across the plains of Soldier Field.”

As someone from Southie might put it, “Everybody was gettin’ wick-id hamm-ahd!”

Well, a few spectators were, anyhow. Not that anybody was obnoxious but in the true spirit of tailgating, fans had lubricated themselves before the game and were tipping some cold ones during the game.

My eighth grade health teacher told us that alcohol made you warmer, even if it was a cold beer. I suppose she was trying to discourage us from drinking, but I doubt she figured we could use that as an excuse to drink in the wintertime.

As a consequence, this tailgate Sunday resulted in perpetually long lines at the men’s and ladies’ room. Of course, ladies room lines tend to be longer anyway, but that’s a discussion for another day (I don’t know how you ladies get through it).

Like any middle-aged man, at some point my bladder reached its capacity, but seeing the long lines for the men’s rooms, plus not wanting to miss any of the game, I chose to wait.

It seemed logical that if there is a line, that line will eventually subside. Well, the beer line, where patrons can only purchase one beer per person, didn’t subside (likely because they only sell one beer per person), which was why the men’s room lines (and women’s room lines) didn’t subside.

At some point, I could wait no more. I plunged into the queue and waited my turn.

There are certain protocols in a men’s room. Keep your eyes straight ahead or down and don’t try to strike up a conversation while going about your business.

These are, of course, unwritten rules. You can scour the U.S. Constitution and The Declaration of Independence all you want and you’ll never see the phrase “bathroom etiquette” mentioned once.

While not an unwritten rule, it seems common sense not to be making a call on your cell phone while in the act. Suppose you drop it. Are you going to retrieve it? Is the call that important? Couldn’t it have waited?

The gentleman making such a call didn’t have that happen, but he did incur the ridicule of the men in line behind him, who provided their own version of his conversation for our amusement.

“Hey, Ma…is it supposed to be this small?”

He was so wrapped up in his conversation that he never realized that he was being mercilessly mocked.

The funny thing about having to pee is that the closer you get to the opportunity to do so, the worse you have to go. Having been such a cold day, as previously mentioned, I dressed for the occasion with a jacket, four sweatshirts (one hooded, in true Belichick style), a T-shirt, two pairs of socks and two pairs of pants.

I don’t suffer from stage fright, at least not the men’s room kind, but with an extensive line behind me, the pressure was on…in every sense.

Fortunately, I completed the task successfully and I was extremely glad that my two pairs’ jeans weren’t in the old fashion “button fly” style, all because of a great Chicago invention…the zipper.

You were wondering how I was going to tie all of this in, weren’t you?

Then I was able to go back and watch the game in peace.

Too bad they didn’t sell Twinkies.