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December 29, 2008
2008: The Year In Review
Once again another year draws to a close and it’s time to take a look back at the highlights (and lowlights) of the past year. That means it’s time for my annual Year In Review, which I write every year, hence the term “annual” (like that joke that I write every year).
Jan. 11: Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to reach the summit of Mt. Everest, dies at age 88. Hundreds of people attend the service, although some admit to attending “because it was there.”
Feb 12: The Writer’s Guild of America ends their strike after 100 days. The WGA releases a statement: “As being good at writing, we’re happy that we can be writing again for professionally.”
Feb. 13: Former baseball pitcher Roger Clemens tells Congress “I have never taken steroids or HGH.” An angry Clemens then turns green, bursts through his clothes and destroys the room.
Feb. 19: After nearly 50 years as Cuba’s leader, Fidel Castro resigns from his post as President. However, his beard stays on the job.
Mar 17: Tibetan monks, tired of suffering under Chinese rule, riot in their capital, Lhasa. Authorities try to quell the violence by calling out the dogs. They are unsuccessful as those dogs are Lhasa Apso’s.
Mar. 12: New York governor and former District Attorney Eliot Spitzer announces his resignation after it is revealed that he had sexual relations with a prostitute named Ashley Alexandra Dupre. During the press conference, Spitzer’s wife, Silda Wall Spitzer, stands by his side. Ironically, a “Silda Wall Spitzer” is also the name of what most clients order from Ms. Dupre.
Apr. 5: Actor and former head of the National Rifle Association Charlton Heston dies at age 84. His family has to order an extra-large coffin as they are unable to pry his rifle out of his “cold, dead hands.”
April 17: Presidential candidate John McCain tells reporters “The fundamentals of America’s economy are strong.” McCain later defends this statement after America suffers an economic slump adding, “And I STILL say the Titanic is unsinkable!”
April 23 : An 72-year-old Austrian man named Josef Fritzl is arrested on suspicion of imprisoning his daughter for 24 years and fathering seven children with her. Soon afterwards, Fritzl signs a deal with Fox for a reality TV show to be called “The Fritzl Life.”
May 10: Jenna Bush is married at her father’s ranch in Crawford, TX. Her father, President Bush gives away the bride. Vice President Dick Cheney has the groom waterboarded.
May 15: The California Supreme Court Legalizes gay marriage, despite the fact that 50 percent of straight marriages end in divorce, making the phrase “gay marriage” seem like an oxymoron to 50 percent of the people that have done it.
Jun. 17: The Boston Celtics win their 17th NBA title, their first in over 20 years. After the game, players gather the ashes of former coach Red Auerbach and honor Auerbach by smoking them.
Jul. 14: Belgian brewer InBev announces that it is purchasing Anheuser-Busch. Budweiser proclaims that their product will now be referred to as the “Arch Duke of Beers.”
Jul. 30: After 13 years on the run, ex-Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic is extradited to face genocide charges at a U.N. war crimes tribunal. After a bail hearing, he is released on his own recognizance.
Aug. 8: Former Senator and presidential candidate John Edwards publicly admits to having an affair while his wife Elizabeth was battling cancer; also admits to having dated Terri Shiavo.
August 17: American swimmer Michael Phelps captures eight gold medals at the Beijing Olympics. Later, Phelps stops by the factory where the medals are cast to thank the slave laborers who made them.
Aug. 29: Republican Presidential candidate John McCain selects Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska as his Vice Presidential nominee. Palin becomes the hottest GOP VP nominee since Alf Landon selects Frank Knox in 1936.
Palin tells ABC journalist Charlie Gibson she has insight into Russia because “There are parts of Russia you can see from Alaska.” She adds that since she can see the stars at night, she is qualified to be an astronaut.
Sept. 22: Chinese Premiere Wen Jiabao apologizes when it’s revealed that four children died and thousands were sickened when baby formula is found to have been poisoned with the chemical, melamine. Premiere Jiabao explains, “I assure you, that formula was merely intended to poison Russian journalists.”
Sept. 26: Somali pirates hijack the Ukrainian tanker Faina, which is loaded with Russian arms. The authorities wait three days to discover what the pirate’s demands arrggghhh.
Oct. 3: A $700 bailout bill for the nation’s financial institutions is approved by Congress and signed into law by President Bush. Freddie Mac cancels its plans to foreclose on the White House.
Oct. 15: Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie announce their divorce after eight years of marriage. Ritchie later changes his name to “Guy Lonely.”
Oct. 27: Ted Stevens, the 84-year-old Senator from Alaska is convicted of corruption charges but calls the charges “unjust.” He later calls arthritis “unjust.”
Nov. 4: Barack Obama becomes the first black man elected president of the United States of America; the second if you count Bill Clinton (apologies to Toni Morrison).
Later that night, during Obama’s acceptance speech in Chicago’s Grant Park, the Rev. Jesse Jackson is seen weeping in the crowd. Whether it is jubilation over Obama’s victory, or sorrow that Obama, and not he, Jackson, is giving the speech, is unknown.
Nov 26: Edna Scott Parker, of Shelbyville, In., said to be the world’s oldest person, dies at 115. Her family immediately cancels her reservations for her high school class reunion.
Dec. 9: Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is arrested and charged with attempting to sell the senate seat vacated by the election of Barack Obama. He also offers to sell Joe Biden his hair plugs.
Dec. 14: At a press conference in Baghdad, a reporter hurls two shoes at President Bush. Bush later states “I don’t remember getting married.” The journalist is arrested and charged with attempted murder when it is learned that before throwing the shoes, he removed the Odor Eaters.
As we close the books on another year, I want to wish you a safe and Happy New Year…and for me, a funny one.
Posted by dmargarita at 7:29 PM
December 15, 2008
A Midsummer Night's Christmas
“‘Twas the night before Christmas and at Santa’s beach house, Mrs. Claus in the hot tub, not wearing a blouse.”
Well, that may be how the famous poem should read now that astronomers have concluded that the Star of Bethlehem may have been one of a series of astrological occurrences in June of the period, thus placing Jesus’ birth date in June, not December.
This puts an entirely new light on how the birth of Jesus could have gone, not to mention how we would’ve viewed Santa Claus if we’d considered Christmas a warm-weather event. Indeed, perhaps Santa would be located in the Gobi Desert instead of the North Pole.
Can you see a slim, tanned Old Saint Nick in a red T-shirt and Bermuda shorts? A warm-weather Santa would be more likely to use camels and not reindeer to pull his sleigh. Perhaps it’s time that we update Clement Moore’s famous poem anyway, as it should probably be made more politically correct and inclusive.
“On Kandi, on Tammy, on Brandi (with an “I”) and Stacey! On Darnell, on Hammed, on Rufus and Gracie!”
According to MSNBC’s website, one of the events that occurred in 3 B.C. (did anyone ever look at a calendar back then and wonder what “B.C.” meant?), was when Jupiter passed so closely to Venus that they may have looked like one star. This rare grouping of planets, according to MSNBC (yeah, like I’d know this without the Internet), is called a “conjunction” and now we know its function (you have to be over forty to get that).
This June scenario certainly makes it more likely that the Three Wisemen would have walked hundreds of miles to follow a star, although one might question the wisdom of such a journey at any time of the year. Then again, bringing frankincense to an infant as a gift doesn’t make all that much sense, either.
A recent report by the Associated Press states that with easing tensions, tourism in Bethlehem is on the rise again after political violence had subdued the industry for years. Hotels and motels are booked solidly through January. Legendary philosopher, Charlie Brown, noted as far back as 1965 that Christmas has gotten increasingly commercial and I don’t envision that it is any different now in Bethlehem.
I can imagine some of the cheesier motel names.
“The No Room At The Inn Inn.”
Being solidly booked, they would appropriately be flashing a “No Vacancy” sign.
Perhaps the “Manger Motel” in the actual Manger Square could sell out without advertising “Free Adult Movies.” They would be more inclined to have a sign that reads “Ox and Lambs Welcome.” It is still a conservative part of the world, so Western travelers going there should not expect to see “The Gaza Strip Club.”
Modern day pilgrims might as well forget about bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh to Bethlehem. These days you can’t get toothpaste on an airplane, much less myrrh…unless, of course, you have your myrrh in a clear, zip-lock baggie.
Upon entering the country you’d have to declare gold, one would assume. Your best bet is to change currency before you leave your port of departure. In the current economic climate the dollar isn’t getting a good exchange rate in too many places, and probably never got a good exchange rate for the shekel. That might have had something to do with why Jesus turned over the moneychanger’s table.
Here in this season of peace and love (perhaps you should stay away from newspapers for a while), I want to wish my Christians friends a Merry Christmas and my Jewish friends, Happy Hanukah.
As for my atheist friends, enjoy the day off.
Seriously, peace and love to you all.
Posted by dmargarita at 4:34 PM
December 1, 2008
No AND's or BUT's About It
AND I don’t know about you, but I was always told that you should never start a sentence with the words “AND” or “BUT” when I was in school. BUT as you can see, I did anyway.
This was a cardinal rule that I was taught in elementary school. However, you can pick up any major newspaper or magazine in the country and find writers who think nothing of starting a sentence with the words “AND” or “BUT.”
Am I now to disregard every lesson I was taught in elementary school? Is it okay to cross the street without looking either way? Should I gladly accept rides from strangers? Is it really a good idea to put my hand in a bowl of warm water before I go to sleep? If Johnny Jones jumps off the Brooklyn Bridge, is it now okay for me to do it too?
While I wouldn’t ascribe this new philosophy to a post-9/11 world, we do live in a different time, grammatically speaking. I learned in the Sean Connery movie Finding Forrester, a film about a writing prodigy, that it is commonly accepted that you can start a sentence with “AND” or “BUT” these days and no one will think any less of you. I also learned from the Sean Connery movie Goldfinger that if you’re a British spy, you can seduce any woman you wish to. Of course, if her name is Pussy Galore, your chances are probably pretty good even if you’re a CPA, BUT I digress.
It seems to me that the words “AND” and “BUT” indicate a connection to, or a continuation of, a previous sentence or statement. The period at the end of said previous sentence or statement should indicate that that sentence or statement has ended (duh). Yes, I just used the word “that” twice in a row and while it may sound odd or read strangely on the page, I think it is acceptable despite my spell-check’s insistence on highlighting it as a repeated word.
As a baseball fan, one recent grammatical change I’m having a hard time dealing with is when broadcasters and writers, referring to the abbreviation of the phrase “Runs Batted In” as “RBI” instead of the long-held “RBI’s.”
Referring to more than one RBI requires some sort of plurality. I realize that it’s the first word, “runs” that is plural, but when the whole term is abbreviated, it becomes a singular entity. A good example would be the phrase “prisoners of war” or “POW’s.” You wouldn’t say, “Several Allied soldiers became POW.” It would be even more confusing, if during a baseball game among prisoners, several POW knocked in many RBI. If you don’t want to refer to them as “RBI’s” you can refer to them as “R’s BI.” Of course, since it’s the beginning of December, this isn’t an issue I’ve had to think about with much lately.
I’m not one to generally succumb to peer pressure, but seeing as this practice is considered acceptable, I have to admit, I’ve tried starting a sentence with “AND or “BUT” on a few occasions (which made me feel so daring and Bond-like). It just didn’t seem right. I felt that somehow my fourth grade teacher Miss McQuinn would seek me out and slap me around. I’m speaking proverbially, of course. She’s a sweet, gentle woman who’d never hurt a soul.
While knowing that starting a sentence with “AND” or “BUT” is an acceptable, commonplace practice, I still try to avoid doing so.
If I do it again, I wouldn’t blame Miss McQuinn for finding me and kicking my BUT.
Posted by dmargarita at 5:30 PM