DanMargarita.com

Jan. 11: Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to reach the summit of Mt. Everest, dies at age 88. Hundreds of people attend the service, although some admit to attending “because it was there.”

Feb 12: The Writer’s Guild of America ends their strike after 100 days. The WGA releases a statement: “As being good at writing, we’re happy that we can be writing again for professionally.”

Feb. 13: Former baseball pitcher Roger Clemens tells Congress “I have never taken steroids or HGH.” An angry Clemens then turns green, bursts through his clothes and destroys the room.

Feb. 19: After nearly 50 years as Cuba’s leader, Fidel Castro resigns from his post as President. However, his beard stays on the job.

Mar 17: Tibetan monks, tired of suffering under Chinese rule, riot in their capital, Lhasa. Authorities try to quell the violence by calling out the dogs. They are unsuccessful as those dogs are Lhasa Apso’s.

Mar. 12: New York governor and former District Attorney Eliot Spitzer announces his resignation after it is revealed that he had sexual relations with a prostitute named Ashley Alexandra Dupre. During the press conference, Spitzer’s wife, Silda Wall Spitzer, stands by his side. Ironically, a “Silda Wall Spitzer” is also the name of what most clients order from Ms. Dupre.

Apr. 5: Actor and former head of the National Rifle Association Charlton Heston dies at age 84. His family has to order an extra-large coffin as they are unable to pry his rifle out of his “cold, dead hands.”

April 17: Presidential candidate John McCain tells reporters “The fundamentals of America’s economy are strong.” McCain later defends this statement after America suffers an economic slump adding, “And I STILL say the Titanic is unsinkable!”

April 23 : An 72-year-old Austrian man named Josef Fritzl is arrested on suspicion of imprisoning his daughter for 24 years and fathering seven children with her. Soon afterwards, Fritzl signs a deal with Fox for a reality TV show to be called “The Fritzl Life.”

May 10: Jenna Bush is married at her father’s ranch in Crawford, TX. Her father, President Bush gives away the bride. Vice President Dick Cheney has the groom waterboarded.

May 15: The California Supreme Court Legalizes gay marriage, despite the fact that 50 percent of straight marriages end in divorce, making the phrase “gay marriage” seem like an oxymoron to 50 percent of the people that have done it.

Jun. 17: The Boston Celtics win their 17th NBA title, their first in over 20 years. After the game, players gather the ashes of former coach Red Auerbach and honor Auerbach by smoking them.

Jul. 14: Belgian brewer InBev announces that it is purchasing Anheuser-Busch. Budweiser proclaims that their product will now be referred to as the “Arch Duke of Beers.”

Jul. 30: After 13 years on the run, ex-Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic is extradited to face genocide charges at a U.N. war crimes tribunal. After a bail hearing, he is released on his own recognizance.

Aug. 8: Former Senator and presidential candidate John Edwards publicly admits to having an affair while his wife Elizabeth was battling cancer; also admits to having dated Terri Shiavo.

August 17: American swimmer Michael Phelps captures eight gold medals at the Beijing Olympics. Later, Phelps stops by the factory where the medals are cast to thank the slave laborers who made them.

Aug. 29: Republican Presidential candidate John McCain selects Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska as his Vice Presidential nominee. Palin becomes the hottest GOP VP nominee since Alf Landon selects Frank Knox in 1936.

Palin tells ABC journalist Charlie Gibson she has insight into Russia because “There are parts of Russia you can see from Alaska.” She adds that since she can see the stars at night, she is qualified to be an astronaut.

Sept. 22: Chinese Premiere Wen Jiabao apologizes when it’s revealed that four children died and thousands were sickened when baby formula is found to have been poisoned with the chemical, melamine. Premiere Jiabao explains, “I assure you, that formula was merely intended to poison Russian journalists.”

Sept. 26: Somali pirates hijack the Ukrainian tanker Faina, which is loaded with Russian arms. The authorities wait three days to discover what the pirate’s demands arrggghhh.

Oct. 3: A $700 bailout bill for the nation’s financial institutions is approved by Congress and signed into law by President Bush. Freddie Mac cancels its plans to foreclose on the White House.

Oct. 15: Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie announce their divorce after eight years of marriage. Ritchie later changes his name to “Guy Lonely.”

Oct. 27: Ted Stevens, the 84-year-old Senator from Alaska is convicted of corruption charges but calls the charges “unjust.” He later calls arthritis “unjust.”

Nov. 4: Barack Obama becomes the first black man elected president of the United States of America; the second if you count Bill Clinton (apologies to Toni Morrison).

Later that night, during Obama’s acceptance speech in Chicago’s Grant Park, the Rev. Jesse Jackson is seen weeping in the crowd. Whether it is jubilation over Obama’s victory, or sorrow that Obama, and not he, Jackson, is giving the speech, is unknown.

Nov 26: Edna Scott Parker, of Shelbyville, In., said to be the world’s oldest person, dies at 115. Her family immediately cancels her reservations for her high school class reunion.

Dec. 9: Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is arrested and charged with attempting to sell the senate seat vacated by the election of Barack Obama. He also offers to sell Joe Biden his hair plugs.

Dec. 14: At a press conference in Baghdad, a reporter hurls two shoes at President Bush. Bush later states “I don’t remember getting married.” The journalist is arrested and charged with attempted murder when it is learned that before throwing the shoes, he removed the Odor Eaters.

As we close the books on another year, I want to wish you a safe and Happy New Year…and for me, a funny one.