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January 26, 2009
Bail Money
I think that this could be the worst porno flick ever:
Ding dong:
“Hi. Did somebody here request a $5 billion government financial bailout?”
“No, but as long as you’re here…”
This thought comes to mind because Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis have considered asking congress to bail out the porn industry. Hey, I couldn’t make this up if I tried.
Larry Flynt has long been a well-known figure in America, having fought before the Supreme Court in the case Hustler Magazine, Inc. v. Falwell (Seriously, why would I write fiction when reality is so fantastic?). That battle was depicted in the movie The People vs. Larry Flint, which starred former Cheers actor Woody Harrelson. I have to think that if Nicholas Colasanto, the actor who preceded Harrelson as “Coach” on the show hadn’t died, that he probably wouldn’t have landed the role of Larry Flynt in that film.
For those of you unfamiliar with Joe Francis, some evening when you can’t sleep, turn on any cable channel on TV. Chances are you’ll run into a Girls Gone Wild infomercial, the premise of which is that Mr. Francis and his cohorts convince drunken young women, who at the moment aren’t considering that videotape lasts longer than a buzz, to flash themselves for the TV cameras.
With congress doling out money to the banking and auto industries, Flynt and Francis seem to think that congress should consider their needs as well. According to msnbc.com, Flynt and Francis claim that XXX DVD sales are down 22 percent, which means that people will have to resort to using their imaginations or worse, begin having actual relationships with other human beings.
"People are too depressed to be sexually active," Flynt said in the statement.
If that’s true, it seems to me that the problem here is not the lack of sex, but the depression. In either case, there are pills that can take care of both of those problems (although Tom Cruise might disagree on the depression aspect).
"This is very unhealthy as a nation,” Flynt continued. “Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex" (Insert your own marriage joke here).
Maybe, but what will teenagers do without the back seats of cars?
“The US government should actively support the adult industry's survival and growth, just as it feels the need to support any other industry cherished by the American people," msnbc.com goes on to quote Flynt as saying.
I’m not sure that “cherish” is the right word in this instance. I doubt that Norman Rockwell would cite “baseball, apple pie and Hustler” as his idea of All-American institutions.
"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind,” Flynt concludes.
Really? Have you watched TV lately, Larry? I can’t watch a Bullwinkle cartoon without commercials for Viagra, Enzyte, Cialis or Levitra, not to mention a number of Victoria’s Secret ads being thrown at me. I guess he hasn’t seen the Girls Gone Wild infomercials, either.
It seems to me that during the Great Depression, the long lines of people you see in newsreels were lined up to get bread, not porn magazines.
I can’t imagine Bing Crosby singing:
“Brother, can you spare some porn?”
Perhaps along with food stamps, poor Americans can be also rationed out their share of pornography to help get them back on their feet, although I guess Mr. Flynt’s contention is that not enough American’s are staying off of their feet.
“Congress must rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America” Flynt stated. Aside from that statement giving me visuals of Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi that I don’t want in my head, one need only to read a newspaper and the goings on in congress to know that there’s nothing wrong with most American’s sexual appetite.
On the other hand (no pun intended), perhaps one doesn’t need porn to rejuvenate one’s sexual appetite…one needs to run for political office.
Posted by dmargarita at 4:29 PM
January 12, 2009
The Last Laugh
There is a little less joy and a little less laughter on this earth today.
Normally, this space is designed to entertain you, but this week I beg your indulgence to allow me to talk about the passing of a dear friend, Bob Lazarus.
My friend, my proofreader and this column’s biggest booster, “Laz” as he was more commonly known among his many friends, died on January 4th, his 53rd birthday, after a long battle with leukemia.
I can’t remember where or when I first met Laz but I’m sure it was at a comedy club in Boston during the heyday of Boston Comedy in the mid-1980’s. Perhaps the reason that we soon became friends was because we always seemed to write the same jokes. In fact, that sort of became a running gag between us. While many comedians would be quick to accuse the other of stealing his/her material, Laz never did so with me and I knew he wasn’t stealing from me. We just happened to think along the same lines.
More likely, we became friends because Laz was the most likeable person you could ever meet. In the very competitive and sometimes cutthroat world of stand-up comedy, I never met anyone who knew Laz that didn’t like him. Nobody, period.
Laz had been in the business a few years when I came along, as one of the original Boston comedians that worked at the legendary Ding Ho club in Cambridge, Ma. That he was so beloved was evidenced by the hundreds of mourners in attendance at his service, with many coming from various parts of the country to say good-bye to their old pal.
When the comedy boom subsided and a lot of us had to get “real” jobs, Laz and I managed to stay in touch by phone and later, with the advent of the Internet, via email.
I emailed Laz when my girlfriend broke up with me several years ago and he called me right away to console me.
“Poor baby. I just want to cuddle you in my arms.”
He knew I was really down and he was genuinely sincere. Of course, Laz would laugh to read that quote, knowing that in context, it sounded better on the phone than it reads on the page.
When my father passed away last year, Laz sent me a heartfelt and beautiful email, while by this time, he was fighting his own deadly battle with leukemia. Laz braved two bone marrow transplants and repeated chemotherapy with courage, grace, dignity and of course, humor.
It didn’t take long for word of Laz’ passing to spread throughout the comedy world. The Internet blazed with emails as comedians who knew Laz shared an overwhelming sense of grief and loss at his passing, but also many wonderful memories of Laz.
For certain, nobody will be hurting more than his beloved wife Kathi and their 13-year-old daughter, Carly. While it may be a cliché, it is certainly true that Carly was the light of Laz’ life. Anyone who knew Laz heard him speak of her so often, with so much love and of the joy of doing the simplest things and indeed, just spending time with her.
I know that one of the highlights of Laz’ life was when he won Red Sox tickets last season in a Dana Farber raffle and was able to take Carly to her first Red Sox game, and I’m sure it will remain a cherished memory for her.
When Laz was going through his illness, dozens of comics gladly lent their time and talents to raise money with a benefit show to help pay Laz’ extraordinarily high medical bills. Anyone wishing to help out now may contribute to the Carly Lazarus College Fund, Kathi Lazarus, Trustee, and mailed to Rabbi Jonathan Hausman, Ahavath Torah Congregation, 1179 Central St., Stoughton, MA 02072.
The day after Laz was buried, the Red Sox made two free-agent signings. My first instinct was to want to pick up the phone and call Laz and see what he thought about it.
What I wouldn’t give to be able to make that phone call. I can’t say that I WILL miss Laz, because I already do. So long, Laz.
Posted by dmargarita at 3:29 PM