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March 23, 2009
Hooterville
I’d long ago dubbed Hooters restaurant as “the place to go when you want to pay a lot of money to be treated like crap by all the beautiful girls who ignored you in high school.”
Clearwater, Florida is home to the Philadelphia Phillies spring training facilities, as well as the first Hooters restaurant ever, established there in 1983. I’m guessing there has been a hefty turnover of staff since then as some of the original staff has probably gotten pretty hefty; you know, what with all the access to those free chicken wings.
After several years of attending Philadelphia Phillies games in Clearwater on my annual Spring Training trip with baseball pals Jim & Rick, I finally had the chance to visit the birthplace of Hooters; Hooterville itself, as it were.
The connection between Hooters and the Phillies is strong. Besides many ads around the ballpark, there is a “Hooters VIP Diamond Dugout” down the third base line. Fans sitting there can have their food served to them by Hooters waitresses.
Although Clearwater is the home of the original Hooters, many other ballparks seem to have Hooters waitresses patrolling the grounds, as well. In Clearwater, the Phillies use them as “ball girls” on each base line. That is, they are supposed to retrieve foul balls and give them to kids in the stands. I’ll leave it to you to insert your own “ball girls” joke.
From what I could discern, these ball girls didn’t seem to be selected for their athletic ability, or even their knowledge of the game as one of them unwittingly fields a ball in play that winds up being scored as a ground-rule double as a result of her interference.
My two previous experiences at a Hooters restaurant weren’t pleasant ones. The first occasion was at the old Hooters near the Boston Garden. I went in to check it out several years ago to have some food, a beer and watch a ballgame. After perusing the menu for just a few minutes, the bartender rudely asked “Are you gonna order something, or what?” That question pretty much made my decision for me. A simple “Are you ready to order?” as most service people would ask, would’ve kept me there and who knows, maybe coming back.
I told someone this story recently and it made me realize that after all these years it wasn’t fair to judge the whole chain and their staff by one bad experience, so I decided to give them another chance (honestly, it was in the interest of fairness). So I recently took a trip to the new Hooters on Rte. 1 for a meal, bypassing such other heart-congestion-inducing haunts as The Border Café and The Hilltop Steakhouse.
It may or may not surprise you to learn that the patrons at Hooters were about 98 percent male. Go figure.
The waitress was friendly enough and the fish sandwich was okay, but when I paid my bill of $12.25, the waitress brought back my change of… $7, instead of $7.75. I’m a pretty good tipper, having had many friends in the service industry, but when you automatically assume the extra .75 as part of your tip, I tend to simply deduct that amount and even a little less, so instead of the handsome tip I would’ve given, she got less than she might have (although still an OK tip).
While we had made several trips over the years to Clearwater for Phillies games, we had never visited the original Hooters, so we decide to make the pilgrimage to the original land of Hooters for the first time ever. The waitress was peasant enough and the burger was okay, but as I went to check the rest of the place out, I unwittingly went upstairs, not realizing that it’s for staff only. As I descend the stairs, I run into the manager who chews me out instead of saying “I’m sorry sir, this is for staff only.”
That pretty much cemented my opinion of Hooters and as I left for home the next day, I was determined that I was done with the owl-themed (yeah, right) restaurant for good. Or so I thought…
Making my way through Tampa Airport, I realize that I can’t find my cell phone. I search my bags frantically, re-trace my steps, go to lost and found…all the things you’re supposed to do. Figuring, well more like praying, that it had fallen out of my pocket and into the rental car from Rick which had dropped me at the airport, I try calling my own phone from a pay phone to see if Rick (or anybody) answers.
I try later again on and it hits me that if I did if fact put it in my luggage by mistake, perhaps the last thing I want to do in the post-911 era is have luggage handlers hearing a ring tone come from my suitcase.
Alas, through the miracle that is the Internet, I learn the next morning that Rick does indeed have my cell phone. It hadn’t fallen out of my pocket and into the rental car as I figured, though. It was found by the manager of Hooters.
Well, maybe I can give them one more chance.
Posted by dmargarita at 4:46 PM
March 9, 2009
Octo-Putz
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned over the course of my several decades on this planet, it’s that…most people are human.
We all make mistakes and do stupid things. Very few of us have those stupid things publicized in the national media, however.
There continues to be quite a buzz about Nadya Suleman, the woman who gave birth to octuplets, although technically, I think eight babies qualifies as a litter.
Those are enough babies to qualify for her to have her own sort of collective noun, as a “pride” of lions or a “gaggle” of geese or a “plague” of locusts. Perhaps a “bundle of Suleman’s.”
Much vitriol has been spewed toward Ms. Suleman for opting to have six embryos implanted, while she was already caring for six other children. Two of those embryos split to give her two sets of twins. I’ll bet she wasn’t counting on that happening.
All 14 of Ms. Suleman’s children were conceived through in vitro fertilization, in which (according to eMedicineHealth.com) a man’s sperm is used to fertilize a woman’s egg in a Petri dish. The embryo is then implanted in the woman’s uterus. Putting it completely in medical terms pretty much takes the hotness out of sex, doesn’t it? (Cue the porno music here). In Ms. Suleman’s case, the embryos were then frozen for later use, when they were implanted in her.
Like I say, we’re all human and make mistakes. I realize that accidents can happen. Sometimes things break or things leak or in the heat of passion, things don’t get used. Getting implanted with six embryos is no accident. It’s not as though she was on her way to the shower, slipped, fell into a vat of embryos and got pregnant. Whoops!!
The British tabloid, The Sun reports that Suleman met her sperm donor, David Soloman, in a nightclub. Well, pretty much every guy in a nightclub goes in there hoping to be a sperm donor, but probably not in the manner that Mr. Soloman participated.
I don’t know who made the first move or what the opening line was that night.
“Hi, I’m Nadya. How’d ya like to produce bodily fluids into a plastic cup?”
Suleman also claims not to have had sex in eight years. She didn’t even get to experience the most fun part of having babies…making them!
Celebrity website TMZ.com announced that Suleman has been offered $1 million to star in a porno film. As for the obvious title, that has already been trademarked by the producers of the James Bond movie Octopussy (I’m not even going to attempt to get that into the print version of this column). Perhaps they could go with Eight Ain’t Enough or The Curious Case of Nadya Suleman.
Suleman admitted in an interview that she always wanted to have a lot of babies to make up for what she felt was neglect during her childhood. Childhood abandonment issues are not uncommon, but people usually go see a therapist to deal with it instead of having babies (Sorry, Tom Cruise...I’ve tried it, and found that therapy helps). I hope that radical medical procedures don’t become a common form of therapy.
“I was always estranged from my parents…so I had a sex change.”
Much has been made of Ms. Suleman’s seeming attempts to look like actress Angelina Jolie, with her full lips. Photos of a younger Suleman seem to indicate that she indeed, like Jolie, may have had cosmetic surgery to achieve this look, unless she is still recovering from an allergic reaction to a bee sting. Wanting to look like Jolie is fine (although if she wanted to look like Phyllis Diller, I’d be more concerned). Wanting to be a role model like Jolie, who in her capacity as UN Goodwill Ambassador, has attempted to highlight the plight of Africa’s poor, is admirable. However, while some cosmetic surgery merely affects her bank account, caring for a large brood not only affects her bank account, but also her mother’s (whose home is being foreclosed on) as well as taxpayers who will need to support her clan. This isn’t admirable but frankly, quite selfish. Ms. Jolie is wealthy and can afford to adopt the entire country of Burkina Faso is she so chooses, because she could provide for them.
Ms. Suleman is unemployed and how she plans to provide for her children remains to be seen. Perhaps she’s counting on evolution to grow six more breasts to feed the kids, but I’d have to say that’s a long-shot.
Two publicists have already abandoned working for Suleman so far. The first resigned after receiving death threats and the second resigned because she says Suleman “is nuts.” (Note to self: do NOT hire this PR person).
As a result of Suleman’s actions, medical ethicists are now debating the issue of whether a limit should be placed on the number of embryos implanted in a woman, while not addressing the sticky subject of when life begins. The religious right has stated firmly that life begins at conception, which brings it’s own conundrum. In researching this piece I saw an Internet story about a woman having an embryo that’s been frozen for 21 years, implanted in her womb. If life does indeed begin at conception, this means that she will give birth to a 21-year-old baby. Thus, immediately upon entering the world, this baby will be able to drink legally and vote.
“It’s a college graduate!”
Whatever one thinks of Ms. Suleman, I think it’s important to remember that there are eight innocent babies who aren’t to blame for their mother’s judgment, or lack thereof, not to mention her already existing brood of previous children. For their sake, I hope people can give up the vitriol and help these kids.
If Ms. Suleman had 14 kids because she felt neglected as an only child, I can’t imagine what her kids will do for attention when they grow up.
Posted by dmargarita at 11:12 AM
March 8, 2009
A Local Music Performance
For those of you looking for some cheap entertainment (that’s legal), I will be performing a couple of songs this Thursday night, March 12 at the Music in Melrose Open Mic Coffeehouse at the First Church of the Nazarene.
It is located at 2 Short St. in Melrose (hence the “MIM” name) in the basement of the church, just off the Fellsway, near the Melrose-Wakefield Hospital. I will be videotaping for potential YouTube viewing (assuming it goes reasonably well). The show runs from 7:00-10:00 and admission is $3. There are free refreshments (sorry, no booze…not even sacrificial wine) such as scones, cookies, coffee, juice, etc.
A friend of mine is coming to tape my set but is bringing lights so I won’t be in the shadows, as I was when we taped my song “One Hit Wonder” a while back. For some reason they never have lights of their own. That video can be viewed at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt6W1cnq0x0. I will perform two songs, “Jenny’s New # 555-5309” which is sort of an updated version of the 1980’s Tommy Tutone hit “Jenny 867-5309” and debuting a new song “Kill The Messenger.”
I am scheduled to go on about 7:45. The featured performer is Geoff Bartley who will play for about a half hour. For directions and more info go to www.geocities.com/musicinmelrose.
Posted by dmargarita at 9:59 PM