DanMargarita.com

We all make mistakes and do stupid things. Very few of us have those stupid things publicized in the national media, however.

There continues to be quite a buzz about Nadya Suleman, the woman who gave birth to octuplets, although technically, I think eight babies qualifies as a litter.

Those are enough babies to qualify for her to have her own sort of collective noun, as a “pride” of lions or a “gaggle” of geese or a “plague” of locusts. Perhaps a “bundle of Suleman’s.”

Much vitriol has been spewed toward Ms. Suleman for opting to have six embryos implanted, while she was already caring for six other children. Two of those embryos split to give her two sets of twins. I’ll bet she wasn’t counting on that happening.

All 14 of Ms. Suleman’s children were conceived through in vitro fertilization, in which (according to eMedicineHealth.com) a man’s sperm is used to fertilize a woman’s egg in a Petri dish. The embryo is then implanted in the woman’s uterus. Putting it completely in medical terms pretty much takes the hotness out of sex, doesn’t it? (Cue the porno music here). In Ms. Suleman’s case, the embryos were then frozen for later use, when they were implanted in her.

Like I say, we’re all human and make mistakes. I realize that accidents can happen. Sometimes things break or things leak or in the heat of passion, things don’t get used. Getting implanted with six embryos is no accident. It’s not as though she was on her way to the shower, slipped, fell into a vat of embryos and got pregnant. Whoops!!

The British tabloid, The Sun reports that Suleman met her sperm donor, David Soloman, in a nightclub. Well, pretty much every guy in a nightclub goes in there hoping to be a sperm donor, but probably not in the manner that Mr. Soloman participated.

I don’t know who made the first move or what the opening line was that night.

“Hi, I’m Nadya. How’d ya like to produce bodily fluids into a plastic cup?”

Suleman also claims not to have had sex in eight years. She didn’t even get to experience the most fun part of having babies…making them!

Celebrity website TMZ.com announced that Suleman has been offered $1 million to star in a porno film. As for the obvious title, that has already been trademarked by the producers of the James Bond movie Octopussy (I’m not even going to attempt to get that into the print version of this column). Perhaps they could go with Eight Ain’t Enough or The Curious Case of Nadya Suleman.

Suleman admitted in an interview that she always wanted to have a lot of babies to make up for what she felt was neglect during her childhood. Childhood abandonment issues are not uncommon, but people usually go see a therapist to deal with it instead of having babies (Sorry, Tom Cruise...I’ve tried it, and found that therapy helps). I hope that radical medical procedures don’t become a common form of therapy.

“I was always estranged from my parents…so I had a sex change.”

Much has been made of Ms. Suleman’s seeming attempts to look like actress Angelina Jolie, with her full lips. Photos of a younger Suleman seem to indicate that she indeed, like Jolie, may have had cosmetic surgery to achieve this look, unless she is still recovering from an allergic reaction to a bee sting. Wanting to look like Jolie is fine (although if she wanted to look like Phyllis Diller, I’d be more concerned). Wanting to be a role model like Jolie, who in her capacity as UN Goodwill Ambassador, has attempted to highlight the plight of Africa’s poor, is admirable. However, while some cosmetic surgery merely affects her bank account, caring for a large brood not only affects her bank account, but also her mother’s (whose home is being foreclosed on) as well as taxpayers who will need to support her clan. This isn’t admirable but frankly, quite selfish. Ms. Jolie is wealthy and can afford to adopt the entire country of Burkina Faso is she so chooses, because she could provide for them.

Ms. Suleman is unemployed and how she plans to provide for her children remains to be seen. Perhaps she’s counting on evolution to grow six more breasts to feed the kids, but I’d have to say that’s a long-shot.

Two publicists have already abandoned working for Suleman so far. The first resigned after receiving death threats and the second resigned because she says Suleman “is nuts.” (Note to self: do NOT hire this PR person).

As a result of Suleman’s actions, medical ethicists are now debating the issue of whether a limit should be placed on the number of embryos implanted in a woman, while not addressing the sticky subject of when life begins. The religious right has stated firmly that life begins at conception, which brings it’s own conundrum. In researching this piece I saw an Internet story about a woman having an embryo that’s been frozen for 21 years, implanted in her womb. If life does indeed begin at conception, this means that she will give birth to a 21-year-old baby. Thus, immediately upon entering the world, this baby will be able to drink legally and vote.

“It’s a college graduate!”

Whatever one thinks of Ms. Suleman, I think it’s important to remember that there are eight innocent babies who aren’t to blame for their mother’s judgment, or lack thereof, not to mention her already existing brood of previous children. For their sake, I hope people can give up the vitriol and help these kids.

If Ms. Suleman had 14 kids because she felt neglected as an only child, I can’t imagine what her kids will do for attention when they grow up.