DanMargarita.com

President Obama kills a fly during a national TV interview, causing outrage from animal-rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), who called it an “execution.” PETA urged Obama to “show a little more compassion to even the least sympathetic animals." Having just feasted on a pile of dog poop, the fly was without a doubt, the least sympathetic of animals. PETA also urged Obama to free all of the bubonic plague bacteria currently being held against their will in government labs.

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Financier fraudster Bernie Madoff, whose Ponzi scheme bilked investors out of billions of dollars, was sentenced to 150 years in prison on Monday for his deeds. With good behavior, Madoff may get out in 127 years.

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Michael Jackson, the “King of Pop” was pronounced dead at age 50 after a 911 call indicated he was without a pulse, even when the pulse was checked on his non-gloved hand.

Authorities say that toxicology results will take 4-6 weeks to be completed, or sooner if they’re sent to Hawaii Five-0’s “Che in the lab,” who typically got results to Steve McGarrett in 20 minutes.

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TV pitchman Billy Mays was found dead in his apartment on Saturday. Police rule out Michael Jackson as a suspect. Medical examiners are looking into the possibility that the amount of dye in his hair and beard may have caused blood poisoning.

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South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford admits that he lied in telling his staff that he was “hiking the Appalachian Trail” and was in fact in Argentina, continuing a long affair with a woman there. The publisher’s at Webster’s Dictionary announce the inclusion of the term “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” as a new euphemism for sex.
Sanford spent Father’s Day weekend with the woman instead of his wife and sons, whom may now think of it as “Lover’s Day.”

Sanford later compared himself to Biblical King David, who committed adultery with Bathsheba when they went “hiking the Jerusalem trail.”

Former Massachusetts governor and presidential hopeful Mitt Romney says he can bring credibility back to the party of “family values” who have been hurt by repeated incidents of marital infidelity.

“I may be rich and good-looking,” says Romney, “but I’m too boring for any woman to be interested in having an affair with.”

The former governor, a practicing Mormon, brags that he’s never cheated on his wives.

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Honduran president Manuel Zelaya was overthrown by the military in a coup d’état. Soldiers arrested Zelaya in his pajamas and flew him to Costa Rica for a forced exile. The pajamas remain under house arrest.

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Scandal has plagued Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is alleged to have paid a woman to spend the night with him, telling her to “go wait on the big bed,” which is an Italian euphemism for “hiking the Appian Way.”

Berlusconi’s wife Veronica publicly blasted the prime minister for attending the birthday party of an 18-year-old lingerie model/actress and sued the prime minister for divorce. The Discovery Channel has approached Berlusconi about starring in a reality TV show called “Silvio and Veronica plus an 18 Year Old.”

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The Iranian government continues its violent crackdown of supporters of presidential candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi, whom protesters claim was robbed of victory by backers of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who won a landslide victory last week. Supporters of Mousavi note that Ahmadinejad even carried Florida.

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After years as an occupying force, the U.S. military pulls out of cities in Iraq as per their agreement with the Iraqi government. The frustrated Iraqi cities could not be reached for comment (Thank you, Chevy Chase/SNL for that joke).

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Johnny Carson’s longtime sidekick and Lowell, Ma. native Ed MacMahon passes away at age 86. His funeral procession is to be led by a team of Budweiser Clydesdales.

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And that's just the news that's fit to print.