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October 21, 2009
Up, Up and Go Away!
Well, we all know by now that that the couple who claimed that their son flew away in a balloon are full of helium. Ha! You thought I was going to say, “hot air,” didn’t you?!
Richard and Mayumi Heene, of Colorado, captured the nation’s attention when they claimed that a helium balloon, for reasons of which are as yet to be determined (unless Heene was thinking he was The Wizard of Oz), was in their yard when it lifted off by accident, allegedly carrying their six-year-old son, Falcon. The fact that they would name their son Falcon should’ve been a heads up that this couple was perhaps not playing with a full deck.
Low and behold (or is it “lo and behold?), after flights from Denver Airport were delayed, the Army National Guard deployed a helicopter and the national media had their satellite trucks in the Heenes driveway, the boy appeared, claiming to have hid the attic of their garage. A Brady Bunch moment, if ever there was one.
It was in an interview with CNN’s Wolfe Blitzer (seriously, “Wolfe Blitzer” doesn’t get highlighted by me spell check?) that Falcon coughed up the truth that the family “did this for the show.” If only Wolfe could’ve gotten Dick Cheney to cough up the truth about invading Iraq.
It was on The Today Show, however, that Falcon did more than cough it up; he spit it up, throwing up on live TV, no doubt a video he’ll one day enjoy having played at his wedding. I can’t imagine what Falcon might have confessed to if he’d been waterboarded by Cheney. After all is said and done, I think most of us feel like emulating Falcon on this one.
Celebrity is not new to the Heene’s, having been on the reality TV show Wife Swap. In the ‘70’s that was sort of something swingers did, but now you can have it videotaped.
News reports state that The Heene’s is a self-described “storm chasers.” You can make a living at that? Is that what they write it on their tax form? Must be tough for them to get health and life insurance.
This seems a tad dangerous and bringing your kids into that situation is probably not the most responsible parenting decision.
“Hey, honey, there’s a sniper on Rt. 391. Let’s take the kids there to get a look!”
According to one news report, the Heene’s are listed on a promotion for Wife Swap which says "When the Heene family aren't chasing storms, they devote their time to scientific experiments that include looking for extraterrestrials and building a research-gathering flying saucer to send into the eye of the storm. In this ultimate swap, the Heenes swap lives with a psychic mom who speaks to the dead and can control the weather, her husband and her children -- who believe they are destined to be star."
I can’t guess at what “scientific experiments” the Heene’s are involved with, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that they will not be the ones who cure cancer.
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Heene, congratulations. You are famous after all. However, that’s quite different from being “infamous,” which you’ve also become.
This is probably not the kind of fame they envisioned, though. They are looking at the very least at misdemeanor charges being filed, and quite possibly federal charges, not to mention reimbursing authorities for the expenses incurred in looking for a child who wasn’t actually missing (hiding in the attic doesn’t count).
Personally, I think they should be sent to The Hague for committing crimes against humanity.
Falcon Heene is only six-years old, and thus managed to be both a willing participant and also an innocent victim at the same time. I suspect that one day he’ll be spending serious time on a therapist’s couch.
Kid, you should’ve picked better parents.
Posted by dmargarita at 12:42 PM
October 7, 2009
Apples To Apples
Autumn is apple season, so not only would it be appropriate to write about apples but to write about it on my Mac laptop, made by Apple Computers.
This year marks the 235th birthday of legendary character Johnny Appleseed, whose real name was not “Appleseed,” (Oh, are you one of the Leominster Appleseeds?”) but in fact, John Chapman. It was his fellow frontiersman who nicknamed him “Appleseed,” being the clever sort that they were.
Appleseed…uh, Chapman, was indeed born in Leominster, Mass., just before the American Revolution.
The legend of Johnny Appleseed is that he walked around, sprinkling seeds about in hopes that apple trees would grow. As a person who has a black thumb (plastic flowers manage to die under my care), even I would guess that it probably takes a little more work than that to start an orchard. Indeed, the many websites devoted to Johnny Appleseed (not everything online is pornographic or videos of guys being hit in the groin) say that has was a skilled nursery man, who made money on his botany endeavors.
He didn’t spend his money on luxury items, though. He made his clothes from sacks, slept outdoors, walked around barefoot and wore a tin pot on his head. Come to think of it, I’ve seen guys wearing similar attire in Harvard Square. They usually weren’t planting apple trees, though. More likely they were talking to themselves.
He often gave his money to charity or used it to further his work planting orchards. Every account online indicates that he was a gentle, peaceful man who befriended both the Native Americans and the settlers, and would sometimes be a peacemaker between the two. Hey, when a barefoot guy wearing a sack and a tin pot on his head is the voice of reason, maybe you need to reconsider your issues.
He certainly was resourceful, making drinking water by melting snow with his feet. Presumably, this occurred more often in the wintertime. What he was able to make with his frostbitten toes isn’t on record.
One website says that the type of apple that he grew was called (and I’m not making this up), Rambo. I guess it would have been less macho-sounding if Sylvester Stallone called his First Blood Viet Nam veteran character “John Red Delicious.”
Another site claims that Chapman was a hero. During the War of 1812 local settlers in Ohio were concerned that the Indians would attack after a shopkeeper was killed. (Sure, blame the Indians). Johnny Appleseed then ran 26 miles for help. At least that’s what he told them.
“Yeah, I’ll go for help. Which way is Canada? See ya.”
Running 26 miles is tough enough, as we witness in Boston every Patriot’s Day, but doing it in bare feet, without the opportunity to load up on carbs the day before, or someone waiting with a cup of water every few miles, is unfathomable. On the other hand, if someone is chasing you with a tomahawk, with the intent of scalping you, you might be able to dig down deep for that extra something to carry you along. Boston’s Heartbreak Hill would definitely seem like less of an obstacle.
They say “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” and that seems to have been true for Chapman. He apparently was only sick once in his 70 years, that being the time when he died of pneumonia. That’s what happens when you continue to melt snow with your feet.
His mother died when he was very young, and thus he never had her nagging him to put some shoes on.
“You’ll catch your death of cold!”
Many of the trees that Appleseed/Chapman planted are still bearing fruit. Leominster is still around, too.
Posted by dmargarita at 12:15 PM