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November 30, 2009
Tiger Not Out of The Woods
Okay, sorry about the bad pun, but let’s get right to it. Tiger Woods is certainly not the first guy to be chased out of his house at 2:00 A.M. by his wife with a golf club, just the most famous.
“Golfing?! At 2:00 A.M.?! I’ll show you golfing at 2:00 A.M.!”
Assuming that you’re not Osama bin Laden and haven’t been living in a cave (although he seems to have his own video access), you’ve probably heard that golfer Tiger Woods recently got into a car accident just outside of his home in Florida. Well, I suppose the term “accident” is relative because we don’t know what actually happened, but boy, aren’t we having fun speculating?
The Woods’ contention is that Tiger, pulling out of his driveway, sliced his car to the right and hit a tree and a fire hydrant.
(Hushed British voice) “And now Tiger is caught between a tree and a fire hydrant. This will be a tough shot to get back onto the driveway.”
No doubt, this may cost him a couple of strokes on his auto insurance premiums.
Tiger’s wife, Elin, then smashed the rear windshield with a golf club, which she just happened to be carrying at the time, to extract Tiger from the vehicle.
Because the couple has refused to give details, we don’t know the exact sequence of events. Perhaps Tiger crashed the car and phoned his wife and said, “Honey, I got in an accident outside the house. Bring a pitching wedge.”
Everyone knows that this shot requires a mashee niblik.
While it’s possible that smashing the rear windshield to extract her husband from the vehicle may have been the most convenient portal, speculation is that she happened to have a golf club and smashed the windshield because she was upset at tabloid rumors that he had an affair and was simply chasing him and the windshield was the closest target.
Florida Highway Patrol Troopers have tried to question the couple, but were turned away three times, once being told by Tiger’s wife that he was sleeping. Since Tiger hasn’t been seen publicly, and there are rumors that his facial lacerations were the result of being socked by her, perhaps authorities should investigate to see that Elin didn’t give Tiger something to make him sleep…permanently.
I’m sure when the police show up at your house to question you, you can just have someone tell them to come back later because you’re sleeping, and it won’t be a problem.
Public relations experts are falling all over themselves declaring that Woods’ is handling this situation very badly. He should “Get out in front of this story” as David Letterman did, when Letterman went on his show and told his audience about being blackmailed.
Mind you, not every celebrity did that. O.J. Simpson never came out and said, “I murdered my wife and her friend. I just want to put this chapter of my life behind me and move on.”
Tiger can still turn this into a positive. While it remains to be seen if this affects his relationship with his myriad of commercial sponsors, one sponsor, Buick, could capitalize on this situation.
“Hi. I’m Tiger Woods. You never know when a jealous spouse is going to come chasing after you with a weapon such as a golf club, but a Buick Rainer can withstand the impact of a nine iron, while smashing into a tree and a fire hydrant at five miles-per-hour with minimal damage.”
At this point Woods has announced that he will not be attending his own upcoming golf tournament. Kind of like the host who invites you to his/her party and then stays upstairs the whole time. Like Dick Cheney, Tiger has opted to stay in the bunker and avoid the press. But Tiger, they ain’t goin’ away.
Whether or not Tiger Woods was having an affair, I don’t know and don’t care. That’s his business. If he were a politician, it might be different but he’s a golfer whose public life has no impact on my life, so I couldn’t care less if he comes clean or not. Unless he drives his car into my tree or his wife smashes my windshield, but neither of those things are likely to happen.
It seems that rather than tell it all and get it over with, he’d rather go with a preferred lie.
Posted by dmargarita at 7:06 PM
November 17, 2009
Dawn Knotts
LOS ANGELES----The city...Los Angeles. My name's Margarita. I carry a notebook.
There's plenty of things to do in L.A. and those of you who know me well or are regular readers of this space know that most likely, I would be going to an L.A. Dodgers or Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (Still the most awkward team name in Major League baseball) game. Obviously, this being mid-November, that is not an option. The next best thing to do then, would be to do other things.
I'd walked down Hollywood Boulevard before, but you really can't catch everything in one trip. The strip is of course, lined with souvenir shops and movie merchandise stores. Perhaps the coolest is the Musso and Frank Grill, which has continuously operated since 1919 , thus making it Hollywood's longest continuing restaurant.
One of the bartenders is Manny, who had been there for 36 years and in the business, going on 52 years now. He is an encyclopedia of who some of the restaurant's most famous patrons are that have dined there. He points out a table in the corner that was the regular dining spot of the late actor Raymond Burr. Mr. Burr is no longer with us, but his brand of wine is, as Manny shows me when he pulls out a bottle or "Raymond Burr" vintage 2005. In the opposite corner is a table that Al Pacino has been known to frequent.
Certainly the most interesting (to me, anyway) is the booth near the entrance, which apparently was Charlie Chaplin's regular booth. I do the geeky tourist thing and have someone use my disposable camera to take a photo of me sitting in Chaplin's booth. I'm wondering if when it is developed, it will be in black and white.
Hollywood Boulevard is best known for its "Walk of Fame." As you walk along Hollywood Boulevard (pardon me for quoting you, Ray Davies), there are stars on the sidewalk with the names of various celebrities from the movie, TV and radio business from the last 100 years. Many are names that are legendary, but many are names that may be unfamiliar to the average fan. Sure, some people who may have been famous in their day may draw blank stares at the mention of their names today. Some are likely technical people who whose names were never known to the general public, but were instrumental in the development of their particular medium and thus, are deserving of recognition too. Then there are names of stars that are simply inexplicable. Seriously..."Rugrats"?
When Disney World opened in 1971, its predecessor Disneyland immediately became its unappreciated, adopted, ugly step-cousin. Not far from Disneyland however, is ITS unappreciated, adopted, ugly step cousin Knott's Berry farm.
Initially a dining place for passing tourists, it evolved into a slice of Americana, harkening back to the days of settlers moving west, displacing the natives, and living a hard life. A great museum contains artifacts of standard tools and luxury items that Americans have used over the centuries. We may take out ipods for granted, but try walking down the street with a gramophone on your shoulder as you listen to Jay Z or Rudy Vallee.
Naturally, there are plenty of souvenirs to be bought, if you so choose and if you want to dress like a Kansas prairie woman going to church on a Sunday in 1850 ladies, they have the dress for you. Among the souvenirs available (and I kid you not) is a bag of rocks. For a small fee, you can load up a small sack full of rocks that they provide you. I'd prefer to save time and money by going to my back yard and getting rocks when I need them.
The Calico Saloon features a 25-minute show involving Cameo Kate, her boyfriend Dakota Dan, whom she describes as "tall, dark and handsome" (and I think she's 0-for-3 on that one) and a honky-tonk piano player, Fingers. There's some banter, some music and a lot of corny jokes. The least authentic aspect of it is the wireless headsets they all wear. I decided to try a sarsaparilla and discovered why cowboys were always ordering whiskey instead.
To Knott's credit, the Native Americans are acknowledged with exhibits and have their own show, which was not available when I was there.
There are rides, including a roller coaster-type ride, and had I someone available to hold my stuff, I might have taken that ride, Alas, I was alone and could easily see my cell phone, wallet and change raining down on the patrons below me while I do a loop-the-loop.
Americana is not strictly limited to Manifest Destiny, though.There are old fashioned 1950's cars nearby, and '50' burger joints that serve "American" fries.
All in all, I'd have to say that Knott's Berry Farm is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. That is to say, you should probably experience it one.
Once is really enough, though.
Posted by dmargarita at 11:21 PM
November 9, 2009
Dan Margarita (The Song) revised...
Hey All,
I've added a verse to my new song, "Dan Margarita (The Song)." In a "D'uh!" moment, I thought of a verse that I couldn't believe I didn't think of sooner, so I've spent the last two days re-recording it. Here's the link: (Go to the songs and then scroll down):
http://www.myspace.com/danmargaritamusic
Posted by dmargarita at 12:13 PM