DanMargarita.com

“Golfing?! At 2:00 A.M.?! I’ll show you golfing at 2:00 A.M.!”

Assuming that you’re not Osama bin Laden and haven’t been living in a cave (although he seems to have his own video access), you’ve probably heard that golfer Tiger Woods recently got into a car accident just outside of his home in Florida. Well, I suppose the term “accident” is relative because we don’t know what actually happened, but boy, aren’t we having fun speculating?

The Woods’ contention is that Tiger, pulling out of his driveway, sliced his car to the right and hit a tree and a fire hydrant.

(Hushed British voice) “And now Tiger is caught between a tree and a fire hydrant. This will be a tough shot to get back onto the driveway.”

No doubt, this may cost him a couple of strokes on his auto insurance premiums.

Tiger’s wife, Elin, then smashed the rear windshield with a golf club, which she just happened to be carrying at the time, to extract Tiger from the vehicle.

Because the couple has refused to give details, we don’t know the exact sequence of events. Perhaps Tiger crashed the car and phoned his wife and said, “Honey, I got in an accident outside the house. Bring a pitching wedge.”

Everyone knows that this shot requires a mashee niblik.

While it’s possible that smashing the rear windshield to extract her husband from the vehicle may have been the most convenient portal, speculation is that she happened to have a golf club and smashed the windshield because she was upset at tabloid rumors that he had an affair and was simply chasing him and the windshield was the closest target.

Florida Highway Patrol Troopers have tried to question the couple, but were turned away three times, once being told by Tiger’s wife that he was sleeping. Since Tiger hasn’t been seen publicly, and there are rumors that his facial lacerations were the result of being socked by her, perhaps authorities should investigate to see that Elin didn’t give Tiger something to make him sleep…permanently.

I’m sure when the police show up at your house to question you, you can just have someone tell them to come back later because you’re sleeping, and it won’t be a problem.

Public relations experts are falling all over themselves declaring that Woods’ is handling this situation very badly. He should “Get out in front of this story” as David Letterman did, when Letterman went on his show and told his audience about being blackmailed.

Mind you, not every celebrity did that. O.J. Simpson never came out and said, “I murdered my wife and her friend. I just want to put this chapter of my life behind me and move on.”

Tiger can still turn this into a positive. While it remains to be seen if this affects his relationship with his myriad of commercial sponsors, one sponsor, Buick, could capitalize on this situation.

“Hi. I’m Tiger Woods. You never know when a jealous spouse is going to come chasing after you with a weapon such as a golf club, but a Buick Rainer can withstand the impact of a nine iron, while smashing into a tree and a fire hydrant at five miles-per-hour with minimal damage.”

At this point Woods has announced that he will not be attending his own upcoming golf tournament. Kind of like the host who invites you to his/her party and then stays upstairs the whole time. Like Dick Cheney, Tiger has opted to stay in the bunker and avoid the press. But Tiger, they ain’t goin’ away.

Whether or not Tiger Woods was having an affair, I don’t know and don’t care. That’s his business. If he were a politician, it might be different but he’s a golfer whose public life has no impact on my life, so I couldn’t care less if he comes clean or not. Unless he drives his car into my tree or his wife smashes my windshield, but neither of those things are likely to happen.

It seems that rather than tell it all and get it over with, he’d rather go with a preferred lie.