DanMargarita.com

Jan. 15---A U.S. Airways plane crashes into the Hudson River shortly after takeoff after Canadian geese get caught in the engine. The FBI later finds that the geese left behind jihadi suicide videos.

Jan. 20---Barak Obama is sworn in as the 44th President of the United States, becoming the first black president of the country, as well as the first Kenyan-born and Muslim president.

Jan. 29---Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is removed from office after allegedly trying to sell President Barak Obama’s vacant senate seat. Blagojevich was not only impeached by the House of Representatives of Illinois, he’d also been a member (SEE: Hair Club for Men).

Feb. 17---President Obama signs the stimulus bill, to try and save or create 3.5 million jobs. Unfortunately, many of the jobs created are “birthers.”

Apr. 13---U.S. Navy snipers kill three Somali pirates who were holding an American ship captain hostage. Pirates are unable to see snipers due to their eye patches.

Jun. 1---General Motors files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, but only after discussing it with their managers.

Jun. 12---Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defeats challenger Mir-Hossein Mousav in a presidential race, largely believed to be ridden by fraud. Ahmadinejad claims 66% of the vote, but in reality has 666%. Part of the problem is with hanging Chad’s…and Ahmed’s and Jamaal’s. The U.S. Supreme Court rules 5-4 in favor of Ahmadinejad.

Jun. 25---Michael Jackson, “The King of Pop,” dies of an apparent overdose of medication in an attempt to sleep. Remarkably, Keith Richard continues to live.

Jun. 26---South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (R), admits to “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” with a woman in Argentina. Sanford initially claims that he was spreading his “Family Values” philosophy in South America and calls it his “La Familia Valora” Tour. After publicly confessing to the affair and apologizing to his wife Jenny, he then refers to the Argentinean woman as his “soul mate.” Eventually, he will refer to Jenny Sanford as his “ex-wife.”

Jun. 25---Ponzi scheme king Bernard Madoff is sentenced to 150 years in jail for his fraud scheme. Madoff vows that with good behavior, he’ll be out in 127 years.

Jul. 17---Legendary CBS Newsman Walter Cronkite passes away at age 92. Cronkite dies peacefully, surrounded by his family. And that’s the way it was.

Jul. 24—The Cash for Clunkers program begins. Many married people mistakenly try to trade in their spouse.

Jul. 26---Alaska Governor Sarah Palin announces her resignation, to become….well, that remains to be seen. “I’m not a quitter,” Palin later tells the press, after quitting midway through her term. Palin also says she can do more for Alaska by not being in charge of it.

Jul. 30---Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Police Sergeant James Crowley meet President Obama at the White House for a “Beer Summit,” after Crowley’s controversial arrest of Gates, sparking racial tensions. The three don’t solve America’s race problem, but all agree to call for an end to baseball’s “Designated Hitter.”

Aug. 25---Sen. Ted Kennedy dies from cancer at age 72. Pop singer Dion begins rewriting “Abraham, Martin and John.”

Aug. 25---Many legislators conduct Town Hall Meetings to discuss health care reform. Enraged protesters scream “No govt. health care!” while ironically also stating, “Don’t touch my Medicare!”

Sept. 9---During a speech on healthcare by President Obama, Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC), yells “You lie!” Wilson later apologizes to Obama, who tells him, “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Anything you say bounces off of me and gets stuck to you!”

Oct. 2---President Obama travels to Copenhagen where he singlehandedly loses the Olympics, finishing out of the medal round.

Oct. 9---President Barak Obama is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, becoming the fourth American president to win the award, as well as the first Kenyan-born Muslim American president to win.

Oct. 15---The family of 6-year-old Falcon Heene admits to staging a hoax in claiming that Falcon was trapped in a runaway balloon, in order to garner publicity in an attempt to get on a reality TV show. Ironically, the Heene’s eventually get on several reality TV shows called, “The Evening News.” The family becomes social pariahs, however, Balloon Boy becomes fast friends with Bubble Boy.

Oct. 28---Department of Homeland Secretary Janet Napolitano conducts a press conference to explain how to deal with the H1N1 or so-called “Swine Flu.” Napolitano ends her speech by saying “Th-th-th-that’s all, folks!”

Nov. 24---Celebrity wannabe’s the Salahi’s crash a state dinner at the White House. While there, the Salahi’s suggest to President Obama that the couples go on a double date and see a play at Ford’s Theater.

Nov. 27---Tiger Woods crashes his car outside his house, after his apparently angry wife Elin, smashes the back window with a golf club. Elin Woods’ drive forces Tiger’s car to slice to the right and into a fire hydrant.

Dec. 10---President Obama receives his Nobel “You’re Not George W. Bush” Peace Prize, just days after announcing that he’s sending 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. Former Vice President Dick Cheney grumbles, “Hell, I got thousands of people killed! Where’s my award?!”

Dec. 25---A Nigerian man tries to blow up a Northwest plane as it attempts to land in Detroit. While authorities speculate that it is a Muslim terrorist plot, the man explains it was merely because he looked out the window and saw Detroit.

There you have some, but not all, of the highlights and lowlights of 2009. Here’s hoping that 2010 is better one for all of us.