DanMargarita.com

News reports have stated that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, 23, was trained in Yemen, by a branch of Al Qaeda. It’s good to see that Al Qaeda is opening branch offices, because you can’t always get downtown to meet your terrorist needs.

Early speculation (by me) considered the possibility that he attempted suicide when he looked out the window and saw Detroit. Fortunately, alert passengers saw Abdulmutallab’s pants ablaze and quickly reacted, preventing his underwear from going off (There’s a sentence I never thought I’d say).

Mr. Abdulmutallab was not only unsuccessful in his task, he showed himself to be perhaps not the brightest star on the Christmas tr…okay, bad analogy. With trousers fuming, a flight attendant reportedly asked what he had in his pocket.

“Explosive device,” was his alleged reply.

Generally, suicide bombers don’t announce their intentions before doing their deed. Mind you, the successful ones don’t do any explaining afterwards.

This was after spending 20 minutes in the bathroom, which didn’t seem to arouse suspicion. Usually, when someone spends 20 minutes in the bathroom, it’s because of bad airplane food or joining the mile-high club.

Abdullah Asieria, a suicide bomber who attempted to assassinate a Saudi Arabian prince last year, certainly went above and beyond for his cause. He managed to get past security by putting his bomb where nobody was going to think of searching. Let’s just say it’s the punchline to the joke, “Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em!”

Mr. Asieri spent 30 hours near his target before setting it off. Think about that….30 hours concealing an explosive device there. I guess it didn’t seem suspicious when he lit that fuse. Considering where he was concealing the device, he must’ve moved around the room like he was a Minister of Silly Walks. I’m guessing that with an explosive device where the “sun don’t shine” for 30 hours, his disposition wasn’t the most pleasant, prompting the question, “What’s up his ass?”

Remarkably, he barely wounded the Saudi prince, but did manage to cause a mess. I mean, there was shit everywhere.

BA-DA-BOOM!

If the actions of Richard Reid, aka “The Shoe Bomber” resulted in us removing our shoes before getting on a plane, they may now resort to security agencies calling in the bum-sniffing dogs.

There have been calls from the political right to resort to racial profiling for potential flyers, but it wouldn’t have helped catch Reid, who was British, or Abdulmutallab, who was Nigerian. However, this could prove to be a hassle for the guy who plays the grapes in the Fruit of the Loom commercials.

Several proverbial red flags were missed in catching Abdulmutallab, including the fact that someone typing it onto the no-fly list misspelled his name. Either that person didn’t think to or was unable to do what I did in writing that name…copying and pasting. Hell, even Google questions your spelling when you screw up.

“Did you mean Elvis Presley?”

The most conspicuous gaffe was that that bomber’s dad contacted the U.S. Embassy, noting that his son was missing and had become radicalized. Common sense should’ve put U.S. security agencies on alert, not to mention that it was also the plot of a classic Leave it to Beaver episode.

“Now Beaver, always wear clean underwear in case you have to blow up a plane.”

Mr. Abdulmutallab apparently had the device sewn into his underwear, hidden “near his testicles” (that’s reported by Reuters, so don’t blame me). I’m sure somewhere a DHS agent will chuckle if you search Google for “bomber” & “near his testicles.”

Little did Jerry Lee Lewis realize that his song “Great Balls of Fire!” would someday take on a literal meaning.

Flyers used to be offered the choice of a “smoking” or “non-smoking” seat on an airport. It used to refer to cigarettes, not genitalia.

The real question here is, were they boxers or briefs?