DanMargarita.com

A recent column in the New York Times cites a study by a Harvard economist named Raj “Bang-Bang” Chetty (Okay, I made up the “Bang-Bang” part), whose findings were the result of a study following 12,000 kindergarteners in Tennessee from the 1980’s to the present. Hopefully, someone did a CORI check on Mr. Chetty before he followed 12,000 kindergarten kids.

Mr. Chetty concludes that kids who learned more in kindergarten are more likely to go to college, less likely to become single parents (not having been to kindergarten, I don’t know if that’s a result of sex education for 5-year-olds) and make more money than students who didn’t learn as much. Surely, my parents didn’t know they were dooming me to a life of poverty and menial jobs at the time.

One aspect assumed to be a factor in the kids’ later success was the element of having good teachers. If I interpret this correctly, this means for the purpose of the study, they intentionally stuck some kids with lousy teachers. It’s kind of like when they’re testing a new drug. To find out if a drug is effective, they need two groups; one to e given the actual drug and the other group a placebo and the if the group of ill people getting the new drug gets better, the new drug is deemed effective…and if you’re part of the group getting the placebo, tough noogies (my spell check isn’t recognizing “noogies” as an actual word but you and I know better).

The article states that good early education “can impart skills that that last a lifetime — patience, discipline, manners, perseverance.” Yes, 5-year-olds are known for their patience, discipline, manners and well, I guess they certainly are known for their perseverance. Anyone who’s ever had a 5-year-old badger them into getting something can verify this.

The study says that test scores tend to even out by junior high, or middle school as they now call it, but that it’s later that the kindergarten effect comes back into play.

My fear is that one’s kindergarten record will now be a factor in job interviews. If you recall, you were always warned that the things you did would go on your “permanent record.” Most of us took that with a grain of salt, but now this study may prompt potential employers to dig deep into your background.

“I see hear that you did not eat paste and were very adept at coloring between the lines and were especially adept at naptime.”

Come to think of it, I’m still pretty good at naptime.

I imagine that the men in this study group, now about age 30, may use their proficiency in kindergarten as a pick-up line in singles bars.

“Hi, I’m Ted. I was quite a star at the Humpty Dumpty Kindergarten School back in the day.”

Clearly, that’s more impressive than the Jaguar that he drives.

A colleague of Mr. Chetty’s, a man named Emmanuel Saez, says that a good kindergarten teacher is worth $320,000 a year, that being the additional amount of money a class can expect to earn over their careers. When they start paying kindergarten teachers $320,000 a year, I will go back to school and get my teaching certificate.

Not that anyone expects teacher salaries to reach triple digits, but as the son of a teacher, I can tell you that they deserve it. If teachers start getting high salaries, perhaps they can get agencies and negotiate with schools like ballplayers negotiate with professional teams.

“My client would like a signing bonus, and a premiere spot in the teacher’s lounge.”

I’m not sure what difference modern medication, such as Ritalin, makes in the performance of these children. When I was in first grade, no one heard of A.D.D. The medical term use most frequently used was “space shot.”

Come to think of it, that term is still used occasionally.

Many people go back to school to improve their education, but I’m wondering if I can take an adult education kindergarten class.

After all, due to belt-tightening, I now have to eat paste.