July 26, 2011
The Wreck of the Dan Margarita
I hope you are all are having a good summer and finding ways to beat the heat. Let me do a PSA here about the dangers of boating. Boating is dangerous. I managed to get away for a recent weekend to Lake Winnipesaukee where I spent the better part of the weekend laughing in the face of death; and to quote Maxwell Smart, “AND…loving it!”
My girlfriend Jane Marcus and I traveled up there to shoot a music video with Claude von Roesgen, with whom I’ve shot a number of music videos (you can find them on Youtube, “A Boston Love Song,” “An Atheist Christmas Song” and “Who Killed Sonny Bono?” are among the titles).
Claude was renting a place for a few weeks on Bear Island. The key word in that sentence is “Island.” The only way to get there is by boat. The fact of the matter is that I can’t swim.
Oh, I’m fine on boats. I don’t get seasick and I’ve been fine on choppy seas. The thing here is that the “boat” we had to cross Winnipesaukee was in fact a two person, pedal-driven kayak.
Like I say, I’m fine on “boats.” However, a “boat” where I can actually reach over and touch the water is another matter for someone who can’t swim.
Being the chivalrous boyfriend, I made Jane pedal (actually she volunteered. I just think it’s funnier to say I “made” her). By the time Claude met us with our “boat” and got it into the water, it was nighttime, meaning that not only would I, who you will recall, can’t swim, have to go a mile across Lake Winnipesaukee in a kayak, but I would have to do so in the dark.
Prepared for the occasion, Claude provided me with a small lantern to keep us from being hit by any night boaters. With lantern aloft like I was leading a Frankentstein torch mob, we set out upon our journey.
As Claude directed us toward our destination, over the horizon, at the exact spot where were headed, a full, orange moon began to rise. I thought, “Well, if I drown, at least I’ll go seeing something awesome.” I’m such an optimist.
With my non-lantern hand clutching the edge of the kayak, I naturally (for me, anyway) began thinking of every major naval disaster in history. From the Wydah, the Titanic, the Adrea Doria, the Poseidon to the S.S. Minnow, you name it and it occurred to me.
As I am lyrically inclined, a song crept into my head. It was a big hit from Gordon Lightfoot called, “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.”
So, I present to you, to the tune of that song:
The Wreck of the Dan Margarita
With Jane at the wheel it seemed not a big deal
To cross Lake Winnipesaukee
But Dan couldn’t swim he would rather have been
In Cleveland or even Milwaukee
They set out at night with the aid of moonlight
Claude and Dan were each holding a lantern
Dan made a vow if he turned back right now
He would take his vacation to Scranton
The films Dan had seen had his face turning green
That’s when he really started to panic
‘Cause now in his head he imagined the dead
From Poseidon right up to Titanic
The pace it was slow, it’s not fast you will go
No, a kayak won’t move like a comet
But Dan played a hunch by not eating since lunch
Thus reducing the chance he would vomit
Claude, he could swim if he ever fell in
This was also the case for Jane Marcus
Dan had a vest that was strapped to his chest
So they could easily float on his carcass
Dan needed a pair of some clean underwear
‘Cause fear has its own distinct odor
If he ever goes back to go visit Claude’s shack
He will buy Claude a boat with a motor
Once he caught his breath he knew he’d cheated death
The edge upon which he did teeter
It’s morally wrong but it gave him this song
Called “The Wreck of the Dan Margarita”
I can only imagine that Titanic survivors must’ve written classic ditties.
Posted by dmargarita at 4:31 PM
July 13, 2011
The Long, Cold Summer
Wasn’t last winter just awful? I absolutely hate cold weather. That is why I am hesitant to dine in certain local restaurants in July.
Because the calendar says that this is currently the month of “July,” many businesses, including many restaurants, feel the need to turn up the air conditioning; that’s fine. It is indeed warm outside, however I don’t see that these establishments need to blast the air conditioning to the extent that they do. Okay, if the business I’m entering is a meatpacking plant, then yes, a very cold temperature is necessary. Since I seldom enter a meatpacking plant, nor am I personally a side of beef (despite my occasional braggadocio to women to the contrary), arctic temperatures in the businesses I frequent are totally unnecessary.
I have been known to walk out of some of my favorite restaurants in summer because it was simply too cold outside. If any restaurant owners are reading this, please take heed. Sure, I’m kind of a weird guy (that’s for readers picking up this column for the first time…veterans already know) and perhaps not a fair representation of the general population, but if you’ve lost my business because of the cold temperature, chances are you’ve also lost someone else’s business. That is cold, hard cash (of course it’s hard, it’s frozen) that has just walked out the door because people didn’t want to freeze their assets in your restaurant.
Numerous times I’ve walked into a business in mid-summer only to find the person at the reception desk wearing a scarf or a sweater (a jumper, to you British readers) or both. Hey, management…doesn’t that tell you something about the working conditions of your establishment?
Perhaps the employees in these places should stage a “sit in” to get management to turn up the thermostat.
“Hell, No! We won’t go You act like we’re expecting snow!”
Oh, I realize that people have different core body temperatures. I’ve always found this to be the case in various office jobs that I’ve had. As a result, disagreements constantly arise as to what the thermometer should be set at. Larry thinks it’s too cold but it’s never hot enough for Jane (Jane’s friends can vouch for this).
I once counted on my office blasting the air conditioning when I realized I had no clean shirts to wear to work one hot summer day. All I had available was a flannel shirt. I figured I could get away with this because every day the AC was cranked to the max. Lo and behold that turned out to be the one day that the air conditioning was broken. As I sat at my desk, sweat poured down my face and from every conceivable place sweat can emanate from as I tried to continue with my work while simultaneously trying not to pass out.
Speaking of stupid work-related things I’ve done (a little off-topic but it occurred at the same job), I once went to this same job with a cup of coffee and my Sony Walkman (kids, that’s what we had before ipods) in my possession. I decided to get a newspaper from the vending machine across the street from my office building. Instead of placing my things on the ground or on the machine and then putting the change in and getting my paper, I tried to do this with one hand. Holding my Walkman and coffee in my left hand, I got change out of my right pants pocket with my right hand. The challenge was to insert the coins, pull down the vending machine, reach in and grab a paper and remove it, all in one motion. I succeeded…sort of. In the process of removing the paper, the door of the vending machine slammed shut on my necktie. There I stood, hunched over, a prisoner of a Boston Herald vending machine. I frantically began searching my pocket for more change to put in the machine, all the while hoping that a co-worker didn’t pass by and see me, as well as hoping that someone didn’t pass by and rob me of my wallet since I would’ve been unable to pursue them. Yes, I also considered that some joker might want to come along and just “pants” me.
Anyway, as I write this, it’s around lunchtime and I’m getting hungry and am going to head on out for lunch.
I’d better grab a sweater.
Posted by dmargarita at 1:04 PM
July 3, 2011
Add Your Button Gwinnett
We are about to descend upon America’s national birthday, Independence Day, more commonly known as The Fourth of July, due to the fact that America’s birthday is celebrated on July 4th (duh), the anniversary of The Declaration of Independence.
What few people realize is that the Declaration of Independence was first approved on July 2, 1776, making that day arguably the birth of the United States of America. Argue with me if you like, but none other than Massachusetts native John Adams, who if I’m not mistaken, would later become president of said nation, wrote to his wife Abigail that July 2 would forever “be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival.” I hope John Adams had better luck with his prognostications at Ye Olde Race track.
This certainly would’ve thrown a monkey wrench in the George M. Cohan song, “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” and it’s most famous line, “Born on the Fourth of July,” since it would’ve been a little weird to hear him sing “Born on the Second of July.” Despite Mr. Cohan's lyrics, he was actually born on July 3.
However, as we all know, it was on July 4th that the wording of the document was approved and the day is now celebrated with cookouts, beer and blowing stuff up, just as John Adams predicted, albeit two days later.
Perhaps the most famous signer was John Hancock due to his large, lavish and perhaps even somewhat obnoxious signature. To this day the phrase “John Hancock” has become a euphemism for putting your signature on something.
That is part of the benefit of being President of the Continental Congress, was being able to have the first chance to put your signature on documents, even if it means taking up all of the space on the page before your cohorts have a chance to sign.
This was unfair to the others signers, like Georgia’s Button Gwinnett. Perhaps if he’d been the egotist that Hancock was and signed in an equally obnoxious manner, you’d be asked to “put your Button Gwinnett” on a document. Perhaps you’d be getting your life insurance from Button Gwinnett. He later died as the result of a duel, but the issue was not the size of his signature. Then again, he may have been the inspiration for the phrase “cute as a Button.”
Then there is Francis Lightfoot Lee, not to be confused with Revolutionary War hero Henry “Light Horse” Lee. “Light Horse” was a nickname, whereas “Lightfoot” seems to have been a given name. That’s definitely a cooler name than “Button.” I can take a guess as to which one of them got beaten up more often as a kid.
Samuel Adams was also I signer of the Declaration of Independence and most likely provided the Congress with refreshments during their breaks, as was and the appropriately named John Penn. I’m guessing he brought the quills.
Josiah Bartlett was a signer who would later go on to be better known as the President of the United States in the TV show, “West Wing.”
The first public reading of the document was on July 8 by John Nixon. Yes, Nixon was the one.
The Independence Day celebration has evolved over the years. In 1771 thirteen shots were fired in the morning and again later in the day in Bristol, Rhode Island, wounding a total of 26 people that day.
In 1778 General George Washington gave his troops a double ration of rum and had an artillery salute…hopefully not in that order.
In 1779 July 4 fell on a Sunday, so the holiday was celebrated on Monday, July 5, thus creating America’s first long weekend.
In 1781 Massachusetts became the first state to observe the day as a state celebration. I’ll bet that they would never have guessed that one day they would also vote to approve gay marriage.
Founding Father Thomas Jefferson wrote the document and coined the immortal phrase “all men are created equal.” Whether or not any of his slaves were in the room at the time is unknown. That could have made for an awkward situation.
There is no record of him trying to amend it to read, “all men, only men and only white men are created equal.”
Happy Birthday, Uncle Sam.
Posted by dmargarita at 5:03 PM