November 15, 2011
A-B-C’s & Birds and Bees
A few of you native Stonehamites of a certain age remember longtime beloved Stoneham School Superintendant Dr. Scarpito and his reading program, “Reading for Pleasure.” As an adult, some of you might find it more pleasurable to have your books read to you by a porn star.
Several news outlets, particularly TMZ, have reported that “Porn legend” (their words, not mine) Sasha Grey was a celebrity guest reader to 1st and 3rd graders at the Emerson Elementary School in Compton, California as part of the “Read Across America” program. I suspect she’s also done many other things across America, but I digress.
When word of Ms. Grey’s appearance got out, several parents complained to the PTA and later to the IBTC.
The school committee denied that Ms. Grey was ever at the school, not realizing that we no longer live in the age of quill pens but of cell phone cameras and Twitter. Thus, their denial of Ms. Grey’s presence was easily debunked.
Grey has won awards for her work in the adult film business, including the… “Best (use your imagination) Award” for her role in “(Not even going to attempt this one).”
After the public brouhaha, Ms. Grey released a statement defending herself against her critics, stating:
“I read “Dog Breath” by Dav Pilkey to the sweetest 1st and 3rd grade children.”
Hopefully that wasn’t her nickname among her acting colleagues.
Ms. Grey also stated, “I am an actor. I am an artist. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a partner. I have a past that some people may not agree with, but it does not define who I am.”
Somehow I don’t think Gloria Steinem will be inviting her to speak at the next meeting for the National Organization of Women.
No doubt it proved to be an embarrassing moment when a gentleman walked in and said, “Did somebody here order cookies and milk? No? Well, as long as I’m here…”
Okay, I made that one up.
Some parents watching the reading may have thought they were witnessing the taping of a David Lee Roth music video. Then again, I’m not sure how this leaked out but I’m wondering how some of the parents knew of Ms. Grey’s previous acting career. If they recognized her, doesn’t that mean that they’ve admitted to watching porn videos?
It’s highly unlikely that the kids knew of her past work. They just knew a pretty lady came in and read to them. I doubt upon introducing her, the teacher gave a list of her film titles. I can’t name any of them here but in 2009 alone, she starred in 34 videos. How she was able to remember all of that dialogue, I’ll never know.
In fairness, Ms. Grey has been one of the few adult film stars to successfully cross over to mainstream movies and that is more likely why she was invited to do the reading. I suspect that porn actor Ron Jeremy is on tap at Emerson Elementary to read “My Pet Goat.”
She is set to star in a film called “I Melt With You” starring Rob Lowe, which is ironic since the height of his fame may be when he was involved in a sex tape scandal in 1988 while he was campaigning for presidential candidate Michael Dukakis. This was the night before the Democratic National Convention in Atlanta, so I guess Mr. Lowe didn’t take The Duke’s advice to “Make It In Massachusetts.”
Ms. Grey allegedly has “retired” from the adult film world, but since most porn stars don’t get to cross over to mainstream films, I’m not sure what retired porn stars do with their free time (well, I can guess). Ballplayers (snicker) often have their number retired. As to what a porn star has retired, it’s anyone’s guess.
Ms. Grey has vowed to keep reading to kids and I’m sure the material will be closer to Dr. Seuss then it will be to Nabokov (Lolita). Hell, if I can get Sasha Grey to come to my house and read to me, I will add a library, because “Reading is fundamental!”
Oh, TMZ is also reporting that Lindsay Lohan’s sentencing was “Delayed For Naked Playboy Pics.” If I’m ever sentenced for anything, I’ll give that one a shot.
Well, old Doc Scarpito ran a successful program with “Reading For Pleasure,” although some people prefer to watch videos.
Posted by dmargarita at 11:12 PM
November 2, 2011
From Bambino To Billy Goat
It’s football season, hockey season and it would also be basketball season if it weren’t for the NBA lockout. Yet, I’m still talkin’ baseball.
This is Boston and there is no off-season for baseball. The Red Sox continue to make news even though the only baseball being played anywhere professionally would be in the Southern Hemisphere.
As locals are by now well-aware, longtime Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein has moved on to take over the reins of the Chicago Cubs. For those unfamiliar with the game, for decades the Cubs were essentially the Red Sox National League fraternal twins.
The Cubs World Series championship drought is at 103 years and counting. There may still be a couple of people who were alive at the time they last won but certainly there can’t be anyone alive who remembers them winning (or much of anything...sorry).
The Cubs last won in 1908 (after having also won in 1907), with a talented team that featured the double play combination of Tinker to Evers to Chance.
That would be Joe Tinker, Johnny Evers and Frank Chance, all of whom were elected to The Baseball Hall of Fame in 1946.
If you’ve heard of them, it’s likely because of a poem written about them in 1910, called “Baseball’s Sad Lexicon,” which many believe to be the only reason that the light-hitting Evers and Tinker were inducted into the HOF.
The poem is written from the perspective of a New York Giants (there was once a baseball team by this name) fan, dreading the defensive wizardry of the trio.
These are the saddest of possible words:
"Tinker to Evers to Chance."
Trio of bear cubs, and fleeter than birds,
Tinker and Evers and Chance.
Ruthlessly pricking our gonfalon bubble,
Making a Giant hit into a double –
Words that are heavy with nothing but trouble:
"Tinker to Evers to Chance."
I should note that according to Wikipedia, my source of last resort for anything important and my source of first resort for anything trivial, a gonfalon is a flag or pennant. There’s something you can win a bar bet with some day.
The success of this poem relies on the musicality of their names. It wouldn’t have worked as “These are the saddest of possible words/Andollini to Goldberg to McCarthy.”
However, after those halcyon days (heh heh, I threw that in to match “gonfalon”) of championships, the Cubs fell on hard times, not reaching the World Series again until 1945. This is where it starts to get weird.
Legend has it that when Billy Sianis, owner of The Billy Goat Tavern, was asked to leave a World Series game in ’45 because the smell of his pet goat was offending other fans, he declared, “Them Cubs, they aren’t gonna win no more.”
A couple of points here, if I may…just why anybody would bring a goat to a baseball game defies explanation. Secondly, I realize that this was long before 9-11, but it doesn’t seem reasonable that even in 1945 Wrigley Field security was so lax that a guy was allowed to bring in livestock.
There are other variations to the story but essentially Theo Epstein has been brought in to break that curse much as he helped break the Red Sox so-called “Curse of the Bambino.”
Well, it seemed that supposed curse had been broken until this past September when the Red Sox took a classic nosedive as though the planets had collided in epic fashion.
To the best of my knowledge, the Sox collapse had more to do with lousy pitching than it did with farm animals.
While Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia and first baseman Adrian Gonzalez may have Hall of Fame careers, shortstop Marco Scutaro, a solid player, is probably not headed for the Hall. Thus, to give him a chance for glory, I have decided to write a poem to praise the Sox trio, while also commenting on the state of other members of the team.
These are the saddest of possible words:
“Scutaro to Pedroia to Gonzalez”
Good for the Sox and fantasy nerds
“Scutaro and Pedroia and Gonzalez”
Though pitchers were wolfing down chicken while drinking
Lester and Beckett and Lackey were stinking
Folks who bought tickets thought, “What was I thinking?”
“Scutaro to Pedroia to Gonzalez”
So, I say to Theo Epstein, “Thank you and good luck in Chicago.”
Oh, and in case you were wondering who was the Cubs third baseman back in the day, it was a guy named Harry Steinfeldt.
Posted by dmargarita at 2:12 PM