December 27, 2011
2011: The Year In Review
The year 2011 is about to conclude, which means it’s time for me to once again do my annual year in review, which I do every year, hence the word “annual” (like that joke)....
So here are some of the highlights (and lowlights) of 2011.
Uprisings Begin In Tunisia (Jan. 14): After 23 years of authoritarian rule, President Ben Ali flees Tunisia for Saudi Arabia amid protests. This is the beginning of the “Arab Spring,” which begins earlier in Tunisia due to their groundhog predicting a much earlier spring than normal.
Obama Administration Determines Defense of Marriage Act Unconstitutional (Feb. 23): The president joins the many voices proposing that gay couples ought to be able to experience the same misery as straight couples.
Massive Earthquake Hits Japan (Mar. 11): A massive earthquake strikes Japan, resulting in a tsunami, which causes damage at the Daiichi nuclear power plant. Japanese officials assure the public that there is no health threat and to ignore the 50-foot lizards rising from the sea.
President Obama Releases His Latest Fake Birth Certificate (April 27): In an effort to quell suspicions that he was not born in the U.S., President Obama releases his long form birth certificate but still will not release any information on the aliens being held in Area 51.
French Legislation Bans Full-Face Coverings (April 11): France bans the wearing of full veils in public, becoming the first European nation to impose the restriction. However, the ever fashion conscious French retain the right to make ugly people cover up their face.
Osama bin Laden Is Killed in Pakistan (May 1): In a daring raid on his Pakistan compound, a Navy SEAL team kills the world’s most wanted terrorist, Osama bin Laden. In a related story, virgins everywhere start getting nervous.
IMF Head Arrested for Sexual Assault (May 14): Dominique Struasse-Kahn, head of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) and a leading political figure in France, is arrested for sexually assaulting a maid at a Manhattan hotel. Strausse-Kahn is later acquitted when it is realized he’s been confused with Jim Phelps, the head of the “Impossible Mission Force” (younger readers can substitute the name “Ethan Hunt” for “Jim Phelps”).
After Being at Large for 15 Years, Ex-General Is Captured (May 26): Ratko Mladic, the former Bosnian Serb general responsible for the massacre of over 8,000 Muslims at Srebrenica in 1995, is found and arrested. Authorities won’t reveal who ratted out Ratko.
Weiner Resigns Over Online Scandal (June 16): U.S. representative Anthony D. Weiner resigns from office due to a scandal, which involved sending explicit photos of himself to several women via Facebook and Twitter. However, Weiner wins the title of “Most Ironically Named Newsmaker of the Year.”
Whitey Bulger Is Arrested (June 22): After a 16-year search, mobster James “Whitey” Bulger is finally captured. Witnesses against the infamous South Boston mobster will likely include someone named “Sully.”
Scandal Brings End to The News of the World (July 11): The News of the World, a British newspaper owned by Rupert Murdoch. Meanwhile, The National Enquirer runs a scandalous expose on the secrets behind the movie, “A Christmas Story.”
Singer Amy Winehouse Dies (July 23): Remarkably, Rolling Stone’s guitarist Keith Richard, continues to live.
Standard & Poor's Lowers the U.S. Credit Rating (Aug. 5): The Obama administration notes that Standard & Poor's made an error in their documentation, increasing the federal debt by $2 trillion, thus making Standard & Poor’s accounting standards, poor.
Race for the Republican Nomination Heats Up (Aug. 13): In a boon to comedians and advocates of the mental health profession everywhere, Texas Gov. Rick Perry announces his candidacy in South Carolina while Michele Bachmann wins the Iowa straw poll.
Senate Makes Deal to Avoid Government Shutdown (Sept. 26): Ironically, the main highlights of the work of congress for the year involves merely continuing to avoid not working.
Iran's President Calls for Syrian Leader to Back Down (Sept. 8): President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran joins other world leaders in calling for President Bashar al-Assad to end the violent crackdown on anti-government protesters. This is the equivalent of Keith Richard telling you to take your drug use “down a notch.”
American Hikers Released From Prison in Iran (Sept. 21): Shane Bauer and Joshua Fattal, the two American hikers who were imprisoned on espionage charges in Iran for over two years, are released. They indicate to friends that they are looking forward to a relaxing vacation in Somalia.
Saudi Arabia Grants Women the Right to Vote (Sept. 25): However, since women are still not allowed to drive, they will have to find their own method of getting to the voting booth.
Month-long Occupy Wall Street Movement Continues to Grow (Oct. 17): In cities across the country, thousands join the “Occupy” movement by staging “sit-ins” to protest corporate greed and the unemployment crisis. Many on Wall Street urge them to go back to their non-existing jobs.
Qaddafi Is Captured and Killed in Raid (Oct. 20): Libya’s interim government announces that Muammar el-Qaddafi has been killed by rebel troops in Surt, his hometown, proving that you can go home again. It’s just not always the best course of action.
Supercommittee Fails to Agree on Deficit Reduction Plan (Nov. 21): The Congressional committee in charge of finding $1.2 trillion in deficit reductions fails to agree on what programs to cut. Instead, they resolve to fight evildoers everywhere.
Herman Cain Pulls Out of Presidential Race (Dec. 3): A frustrated presidential race had no comment (apologies to Chevy Chase for stealing that joke).
Parliamentary Elections Spark Massive Protests in Russia (Dec. 4): Elections, which many believe to be fraudulent, result in massive protests in Russia. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin sends out riot police, exclaiming “What a country!” (and apologies to Yakov Smirnoff, too).
Kim Jong-il Dies (Dec. 17): The diminutive leader dictator passes away from a heart attack at age 69, according to North Korean news reports. However, rumors persist that he was in fact, accidentally stepped on.
So, there you have it. Let’s hope 2012 is a more peaceful and prosperous year.
Happy New Year, all.
Posted by dmargarita at 10:09 AM
December 15, 2011
Better Dead Than Green
I’d have to go back and check to be sure (which would entail more work than I’d actually care or intend to do), but I think I’ve written more about The Muppets and/or Sesame Street this year than I have in the previous ten plus years combined.
Once again the cloth-composed stars of TV and movies have caused controversy.
Fox Business commentator Eric Bolling recently created a stir by claiming that the new Muppet movie is left-wing propaganda and that Hollywood is brainwashing kids using class warfare to teach kids that successful businessmen are evil. Well, they can pick almost any newspaper and perhaps come to that conclusion without the aide of Fozzie Bear.
There’s somewhat of an ironic notion to the idea of this movie being “anti-capitalism” because this movie is the latest product from Walt Disney Pictures. Yes, if there’s one company on this planet that’s anti-capitalist, it’s Disney (sarcasm).
I mean, one of the main characters, one of the movies heroes, is a pig! You can’t get much more capitalist than that!
“They (Hollywood) hate corporate America,” exclaimed Bolling’s guest Dan Gainor, who decried movies that he perceived as “attacking the oil industry.” How such an industry that gave us such debacles as Enron and The Gulf Oil Spill could be depicted as bad guys is anybody’s guess.
Okay, not to rip off Bill Murray’s would-be movie critic from Saturday Night Live in the ‘70’s, but in the interest of full disclosure, I haven’t seen the movie.
That said, there’s enough being written about the controversy to figure out what is going on here.
It seems that the plot involves The Muppets trying to keep their old theater from being torn down, for sentimental reason, by a rich oilman known as Tex Richman, who wants to drill the site for oil. It would seem that The Muppets are not so much against drilling for oil as they are against having their old stomping grounds razed.
Would the tone of the movie be any different if someone wanted to tear down the theater to build a Dunkin’ Donuts on the site? (Yeah, I’m eating a Dunkin’ Donuts Boston Cream donut as I write, hence the reference).
Part of this story is the reuniting of the Muppets who have been split up for years. I don’t know if the movie delves into the cause of the split. I’m wondering if it involved Yoko Ono.
James Bobin, the director of The Muppets, has come out and denied that the movie is anti-capitalist and that the Tex Richman character is:
“Clearly he is a classic, old school bad guy. He’s bad not because he works for an oil company but because he’s evil. No, it’s not a communist movie in any way.”
Then again, that’s probably what a commie sympathizer would say.
So far, there have been no calls for The Muppets to be called before the House Un-American Activities Committee, but maybe there should be. Yeah, I’d like to see Kermit the Frog sweat (do frogs sweat?) and deny that he is or ever has been a member of the Communist Party.
Perhaps they could break him and he might start naming names…or letters or colors.
“I have here in my hand a list of five Muppets…” (my apologies to Clay Ventre for use of that joke).
Perhaps we can have another McCarthy era batch of anti-communist movies like they did in the 1950’s.
I Was a Communist Muppet for the FBI and I Married a Muppet.
Perhaps Muppets will get blacklisted and forced to work under assumed names like Hollywood screenwriters had to do in the ‘50’s.
“Written by Kermit The Fly and Miss Puppy.”
Certainly, The Muppets have had an environmental message to spread in the past. The Muppets creator, the late Jim Henson, was a staunch advocate for wilderness protection, as was Kermit, who in a 1990 ABC Earth Day Special warned viewers about “species extinction.” However, you have to consider the source on that one. He is a frog; that’s just a matter of self-preservation.
I hope that Miss Piggy doesn’t wind up being sent to Gitmo, because there are a lot of Muslim prisoners there and she’s not exactly halal.
After serious consideration (well, sort of), I can only think to ask Mr. Bolling one question:
Have you no sense of decency, sir?
Posted by dmargarita at 4:22 PM
December 1, 2011
ITWJWD?
Now that Thanksgiving is over…hell, now that Halloween is over, we can actually start thinking and talking about Christmas now. Despite the commercials for Christmas items that aired as far back as mid-October, I refused to pay attention to them until after Thanksgiving.
Black Friday has come and gone and Cyber Monday is also past (well, by the time you read this). By now we’ve all heard the horror stories of the craziness surrounding Black Friday. A woman shopping at a Walmart in LA pepper sprayed a crowd of some 20 people in order to gain advantage in grabbing an Xbox 360. She then managed to escape detection and went on her way shopping (police have now reportedly questioned a suspect). In her defense, she did pay for it before she left the store. She may be an insensitive thug, but apparently she’s not a shoplifter.
For some reason, a lot of these incidents seem to be taking place at various Walmart locations. Maybe they should replace their “greeters” with college football players instead the elderly, like the 100-year-old woman who was knocked to the ground by a 37-year-old woman.
Another incident involved a robbery attempt over $1.88 towels. First of all, who’s buying someone towels for Christmas? Secondly, who’s spending $1.88 on someone for a Christmas? Thirdly (if that is a word), if you’re going to risk going to jail to steal towels worth $1.88, you’re the stupidest robber ever (A hint to my relatives, please don’t give me towels for Christmas. Not if you want me to speak to you again).
In Northern California a man was shot outside a (wait for it) Walmart around 1:45 a.m. when he refused to hand over his purchases to armed robbers. Buddy, give the guy the towels.
In Florida a man was arrested after a fight broke out at a jewelry counter (“He went to Jared! Wait, it was Walmart?”).
These people turned Black Friday into “Black and Blue” Friday.
This should be all the more reason for more people to participate in Cyber Monday. If someone attacks you while you’re sitting at your kitchen table, your problems aren’t Christmas-related.
I suppose that the appeal of Black Friday is the deals one can get at Walmart (or wherever). Otherwise, one could do their shopping in June to get presents for their loved ones. Christmas comes the same time every year, people. It shouldn’t come as a surprise.
“A Charlie Brown Christmas” complained about commercialism as far back as 1965 and that was long before such a thing as Black Friday existed. What would that blockhead Charlie Brown think now, and why did they refer to him as a “blockhead” when he had the most round head of anyone who ever existed?
Thus, in the spirit of Christmas I have to ask, is this what Jesus would do?
Sure, shopping at Christmas time can be hectic, frustrating and I once spent 20 minutes driving around the Burlington Mall parking lot looking for a parking spot, only to have to turn around and go home, as none were available.
Should I have called AAA and told them I need my car towed and then have them tow some unlucky person’s car? I’m guessing Jesus would say, “no.” In fact, he probably didn’t even have AAA.
This doesn’t sound like the Jesus I grew up hearing about. Only once is it written that Jesus showed any type of violent streak and that was when he expelled the moneychangers from Herod’s Temple.
“And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all of them who sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves” and turned it into “a den of thieves” (Matthew 21:12-13).
He told those who sold doves, “Get these out of here! Do not make My Father’s house a house of merchandise!” (John 2:13-16) (I hope I’m getting these correct).
I think we’ve all been there in high school, wanting to get everybody out of the house before Dad comes home.
Yes, Jesus kicked ass and took names. His actions were the complete opposite of these shopping-crazed loons. It was an anti-greed moment.
With a depressed economy, it is good to see that this Black Friday set retail sales records. However, I think it may have also set police record “record” too.
Perhaps for the first time I should participate in Cyber Monday. The only thing I have to worry about parking is my butt in a chair.
Posted by dmargarita at 8:54 PM