DanMargarita.com

So here are some of the highlights (and lowlights) of 2011.

Uprisings Begin In Tunisia (Jan. 14): After 23 years of authoritarian rule, President Ben Ali flees Tunisia for Saudi Arabia amid protests. This is the beginning of the “Arab Spring,” which begins earlier in Tunisia due to their groundhog predicting a much earlier spring than normal.

Obama Administration Determines Defense of Marriage Act Unconstitutional (Feb. 23): The president joins the many voices proposing that gay couples ought to be able to experience the same misery as straight couples.

Massive Earthquake Hits Japan (Mar. 11): A massive earthquake strikes Japan, resulting in a tsunami, which causes damage at the Daiichi nuclear power plant. Japanese officials assure the public that there is no health threat and to ignore the 50-foot lizards rising from the sea.

President Obama Releases His Latest Fake Birth Certificate (April 27): In an effort to quell suspicions that he was not born in the U.S., President Obama releases his long form birth certificate but still will not release any information on the aliens being held in Area 51.

French Legislation Bans Full-Face Coverings (April 11): France bans the wearing of full veils in public, becoming the first European nation to impose the restriction. However, the ever fashion conscious French retain the right to make ugly people cover up their face.

Osama bin Laden Is Killed in Pakistan (May 1): In a daring raid on his Pakistan compound, a Navy SEAL team kills the world’s most wanted terrorist, Osama bin Laden. In a related story, virgins everywhere start getting nervous.

IMF Head Arrested for Sexual Assault (May 14): Dominique Struasse-Kahn, head of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) and a leading political figure in France, is arrested for sexually assaulting a maid at a Manhattan hotel. Strausse-Kahn is later acquitted when it is realized he’s been confused with Jim Phelps, the head of the “Impossible Mission Force” (younger readers can substitute the name “Ethan Hunt” for “Jim Phelps”).

After Being at Large for 15 Years, Ex-General Is Captured (May 26): Ratko Mladic, the former Bosnian Serb general responsible for the massacre of over 8,000 Muslims at Srebrenica in 1995, is found and arrested. Authorities won’t reveal who ratted out Ratko.

Weiner Resigns Over Online Scandal (June 16): U.S. representative Anthony D. Weiner resigns from office due to a scandal, which involved sending explicit photos of himself to several women via Facebook and Twitter. However, Weiner wins the title of “Most Ironically Named Newsmaker of the Year.”

Whitey Bulger Is Arrested (June 22): After a 16-year search, mobster James “Whitey” Bulger is finally captured. Witnesses against the infamous South Boston mobster will likely include someone named “Sully.”

Scandal Brings End to The News of the World (July 11): The News of the World, a British newspaper owned by Rupert Murdoch. Meanwhile, The National Enquirer runs a scandalous expose on the secrets behind the movie, “A Christmas Story.”

Singer Amy Winehouse Dies (July 23): Remarkably, Rolling Stone’s guitarist Keith Richard, continues to live.

Standard & Poor's Lowers the U.S. Credit Rating (Aug. 5): The Obama administration notes that Standard & Poor's made an error in their documentation, increasing the federal debt by $2 trillion, thus making Standard & Poor’s accounting standards, poor.

Race for the Republican Nomination Heats Up (Aug. 13): In a boon to comedians and advocates of the mental health profession everywhere, Texas Gov. Rick Perry announces his candidacy in South Carolina while Michele Bachmann wins the Iowa straw poll.

Senate Makes Deal to Avoid Government Shutdown (Sept. 26): Ironically, the main highlights of the work of congress for the year involves merely continuing to avoid not working.

Iran's President Calls for Syrian Leader to Back Down (Sept. 8): President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran joins other world leaders in calling for President Bashar al-Assad to end the violent crackdown on anti-government protesters. This is the equivalent of Keith Richard telling you to take your drug use “down a notch.”

American Hikers Released From Prison in Iran (Sept. 21): Shane Bauer and Joshua Fattal, the two American hikers who were imprisoned on espionage charges in Iran for over two years, are released. They indicate to friends that they are looking forward to a relaxing vacation in Somalia.

Saudi Arabia Grants Women the Right to Vote (Sept. 25): However, since women are still not allowed to drive, they will have to find their own method of getting to the voting booth.

Month-long Occupy Wall Street Movement Continues to Grow (Oct. 17): In cities across the country, thousands join the “Occupy” movement by staging “sit-ins” to protest corporate greed and the unemployment crisis. Many on Wall Street urge them to go back to their non-existing jobs.

Qaddafi Is Captured and Killed in Raid (Oct. 20): Libya’s interim government announces that Muammar el-Qaddafi has been killed by rebel troops in Surt, his hometown, proving that you can go home again. It’s just not always the best course of action.

Supercommittee Fails to Agree on Deficit Reduction Plan (Nov. 21): The Congressional committee in charge of finding $1.2 trillion in deficit reductions fails to agree on what programs to cut. Instead, they resolve to fight evildoers everywhere.

Herman Cain Pulls Out of Presidential Race (Dec. 3): A frustrated presidential race had no comment (apologies to Chevy Chase for stealing that joke).

Parliamentary Elections Spark Massive Protests in Russia (Dec. 4): Elections, which many believe to be fraudulent, result in massive protests in Russia. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin sends out riot police, exclaiming “What a country!” (and apologies to Yakov Smirnoff, too).

Kim Jong-il Dies (Dec. 17): The diminutive leader dictator passes away from a heart attack at age 69, according to North Korean news reports. However, rumors persist that he was in fact, accidentally stepped on.

So, there you have it. Let’s hope 2012 is a more peaceful and prosperous year.

Happy New Year, all.