August 2, 2004
DNC Rap...eh, Wrap Up
Even though the Democratic National Convention was in my backyard, I couldn't get press credentials. Nor did I get tickets to any of the exclusive parties in Boston. Nevertheless, I found my way to the apparent local hotspot of Democrat politics---the American Legion Hall in Woburn!
I stumbled upon this thanks to a flyer in my mailbox that offered Democrats a place to watch Sen. John Kerry make his acceptance speech on Thursday night. The handbill promised a DJ, food and a cash bar. Since it's highly unlikely that the VIP's in Jeremy Jacobs' luxury box at the Fleet Center paid for their drinks, the distance between the Fleet Center and the American Legion Hall seemed greater in status than it was in miles.
The flyer also said that you could watch the speech on a 'Giant 20 foot Wide Screen." There was no screen so the picture was projected on the wall, technically making it a 120 foot Wide Screen.
Security has been tight in Boston but the organizers of the Woburn event didn't seem to feel too much of a terrorist threat seeing as the closest thing to security was several youngsters who for some reason were wandering around in karate outfits.
For those interested in watching the convention all week in full but unable to attend, C-Span presented gavel-to-gavel coverage. This meant you would get to see the speakers that most people haven't heard of. It's kind of like watching the last few innings of the Major League All Star game and seeing players you've never heard of but are there because the Montreal Expos have to be represented.
Apparently not content to cover just the DNC, C-Span 2 went above and beyond by covering Fidel Castro's speech on Monday night. Castro mentioned that his country has free education, that Cuban children rank highly internationally in math and that everyone in Cuba has free health care. If it weren't for the totalitarian aspect of his regime, he'd have my vote. It looked like Fidel was vying for a cabinet position in the Kerry administration.
Some of the highlights of the convention included Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy, who rewrote American history when he announced that at the Battle of Lexington & Concord someone fired "the shirt heard 'round the world." I'm betting that he misspoke and was not making a statement about the colonists' loud clothing.
Ted also seemed to have vocal trouble as his voice kept cracking like a teenager going through puberty. It seemed like a matter of time before he would say "Would you like fries with that?"
Though I missed it, I saw highlights of what apparently was a surprise guest appearance by famed cartoon character Little Orphan Annie who is running an organization called "Kids for Kerry." I can't wait to see what brilliant stunts they come up with their "dirty tricks committee."
Former Vice President Al Gore gave a speech on behalf of John Kerry. Gore opened by joking that he had hoped to be there under different circumstances, as a President hoping for re-election.
Later that same night, Howard Dean spoke on Kerry's behalf, opening by joking that he'd hoped to be there under different circumstances, as the presumptive nominee. Howard, what were you doing backstage? Obviously not watching the convention or you wouldn't have opened with the same joke as Gore.
Each speaker had their own introductory music that somehow related to them. I didn't recognize the opening chords to Dean's theme song, but I honestly thought it was the song "Freak Out."
One of the stars of the convention was Barack Obama, the self-professed "skinny kid with the funny name." His father was a Kenyan goat herder and his mother was from Kansas, which begs the obvious question: Can these two people share an apartment without driving each other crazy?
Obama gave an electrifying keynote speech and the pundits tabbed him for stardom in the Democratic Party. His biggest hindrance might be that his last name is just one letter off from "Osama."
Another speaker was Ron Reagan, son of the late President Ronald Reagan. He began his speech by noting the irony of the son of a famous Republican addressing the Democratic Convention. "A few of you may be surprised to see someone with my last name showing up to speak at a Democratic convention" said Reagan, apparently unaware that he also possesses the same first name as his father.
The convention wrapped up with Kerry making his acceptance speech on Thursday night. At the Legion Hall, after an evening of ignoring speeches by local candidates, the audience grew quiet as Kerry bounded on stage and saluted the crowd and announced that he was "reporting for duty." At least he had the good sense not to show up dressed like the sailor on the Cracker Jack box after being mocked for his appearance in a biochemical suit earlier in the week.
The senator talked about his service in Viet Nam, noting that on his patrol boat the American flag behind him continued to blow in the breeze after being shot up. Presumably he was marveling at the symbolism of the event rather than being amazed by a simple law of physics that a light cloth will be elevated by wind.
To no one's surprise, Kerry accepted the nomination (what would they do if he declined?) and the audience cheered him wildly. Then it was time to head back to Stoneham.
It's a two-minute ride from the Legion Hall...barring roadblocks.
Originally printed in The Stoneham Sun.
Posted by dmargarita at 10:19 AM
January 19, 2004
The Road to Fame
Congratulations to Stoneham's Nancy Kerrigan for being elected into the U.S. Figure Skating Hall of Fame. That's one more Hall of Fame than I've ever been or ever will be elected to. So many others have found it much easier to be elected to The Hall of Shame.
Kerrigan was inducted for her stellar skating career which included two Olympic medals, a bronze and a silver (though she deserved a gold on that one) and not for the bizarre circumstance of being clubbed in the knee by agents of her archrival Tonya Harding. However, that incident did get Ms. Harding & Co. a first ballot ticket to the Hall of Shame. The kind of bust that they received was not one you'd put on your mantle.
The incident did give Ms. Kerrigan a higher profile than she might normally would have achieved otherwise, as evidenced by her guest hosting of Saturday Night Live, a feat not attained by such Olympic gold medallists as Kristi Yamaguchi and Sarah Hughes. Actor John Goodman has hosted the show twelve times, leaving me to wonder just how many times he was clubbed in the knee.
Upon hosting SNL, Ms. Kerrigan became the first Stonehamite ever to do so, an honor which, I admit, I thought I might achieve someday when I first began doing stand up comedy. The closest I ever came was working on a Saturday night.
I decided to get into comedy when I saw Eddie Murphy doing stand up on TV and thought "This kid's my age making that kind of money? I can do that." Obviously, while our ages have paralleled, our careers took very different trajectories. It seems that to achieve his level of success involves a certain amount of drive and talent, two qualities that I apparently didn't possess a sufficient quantity of.
Americans are obsessed with fame. People are all too willing to go on TV and degrade themselves for a chance in the spotlight. You can't turn on the tube without witnessing someone willing to marry a stranger who is a millionaire, marry a stranger who isn't really millionaire or see someone who is willing to eat bugs.
Some people have found other ways to achieve fame. Here are some other paths to celebrity:
1. Sleep with someone famous---The most fun route to unwarranted fame, this worked for White House intern Monica Lewinsky. She may be able to type 90 words a minute, but that's not what made her a celebrity. Her one discernable skill that made her famous isn't really transferable to another job. I doubt she's put that in her resume. Carlos Leon went from a fitness trainer to "The guy who fathered Madonna's baby." Unknown fitness trainers don't find themselves on the cover of "People."
2. Cause an international incident---In 1987 a 19-year-old named Mathias Rust shocked the world by flying a Cessna plane undetected from his native Germany into Russia, landing in Red Square, no less. A year later on a trip to Russia, I considered causing an international incident as well. When I was pulled into a small room and frisked by soldiers and saw holstered pistols lying on a table, I thought better of it. Might've gotten me a Tonight Show gig, though (when I eventually got out).
3. Shoot a celebrity---Would anyone remember John Wilkes Booth for his stellar rendition of Hamlet? I doubt it. More recently, John Hinckley and Mark David Chapman gained notoriety (and infamy) in this manner. While Chapman remains locked up, Hinckley has recently been given permission to take unsupervised overnight trips. Let's hope he doesn't decide to become a Big Brother.
4. Be the progeny of a celebrity---This is a road to fame that no one has any say in. Lisa Marie Presley, Julian Lennon and Jack Osbourne all were born into famous families. Lisa Marie also had the bright idea to marry Michael Jackson. Your own fault on that one, Lis.
Most of us aren't willing to humiliate ourselves to become famous. As for me, I'll just continue to live "The Simple Life."
Posted by dmargarita at 6:33 PM
October 21, 2002
Mass. Motto Madness
The Republican Party traditionally likes to paint itself as the "anti-tax," small government party, but recently the current gubernatorial administration caused an uproar when it announced how it had spent $300,000 of your taxpayer money when choosing a new state tourism slogan.
It seems that Paul Sacco, the director of Travel and Tourism opted for the lame "Massachusetts...Make it Yours."
That's $75,000 per word.
This slogan is not only boring, it's not even original. It seems to be little more than a rip-off of the Dukakis-era "Make it in Massachusetts" slogan. They just substituted the word "yours" for the word "in" and rearranged the words a little.
Since all you need to do is rearrange words to make big bucks, I might as well write a soliloquy that says "Not to be, or to be."
If nothing else, it's a good slogan for English classes to practice their conjugations on.
"Massachusetts...Make it yours."
"Massachusetts...Make it mine."
"Massachusetts...Make it ours."
"Massachusetts...Make it theirs."
It sounds like something that a spoiled child might take advantage of.
"OK, Massachusetts is mine. Everybody get out."
Over the summer the Office of Travel and Tourism held a public contest, promising a free weekend vacation to the winning contestants. Among the 400 submissions were:
"Massachusetts: Where Freedom Begins"
"Mass. is Magic" and
"Come Share the Common Wealth"
In my humble opinion, all of these are much better than their final choice. But nooooooooo, they had to go pay a professional $300,000 for the lame "Massachusetts...Make it Yours" slogan.
Here are some alternatives that I'd like to suggest:
"At Least We're Not Rhode Island"
"We Call it Mass. Because We Can't Spell It Either"
"Gateway To New Hampshire"
"Gas Stations Galore"
"None of Us Really Talk Like the Kennedys"
"Land of Political Patronage"
Some states have mottos that have become quite well known, such as:
"Virginia is for Lovers" and
"I Love N.Y."
I can only speculate on some other states.
"Nevada is For Gamblers and Hookers"
"Tennessee is for Drinkers"
"Florida is for Retirees"
"I Sort of Like Pennsylvania"
Of course, state tourism mottos are not to be confused with license plate mottos. Some of the better known of those are:
New Hampshire---"Live Free or Die"
Many others have pointed out the irony of this slogan being on a license plate, since license plates are usually made by prisoners.
Missouri---"Show Me State"
I'm assuming this was dreamed up by a flasher.
North Carolina---"First in Flight"
This refers to the Wright brothers making the first airplane flight at Kitty Hawk, N.C.
Ohio---"Birthplace of Flight"
Hey, wait a minute. Wasn't North Carolina "First in Flight?" They were, but the Wright brothers were born in Ohio and the Buckeye state apparently feels that it has nothing of it's own to brag about, so why not steal another state's motto? You may ask why don't they go with "The Buckeye State?" Because according to my dictionary a buckeye is "a shrub of the horse-chestnut family."
Pennsylvania---"You've Got a Friend in Pennsylvania"
That's good to know when you need bail money at three o'clock in the morning and have just one phone call.
"Hello, operator? Get me someone in Pennsylvania. Anyone. They're all friends of mine."
Well, I don't personally think that this was $300,000 well spent, but if one is getting paid $75,000 per word in this state, my next check from this paper for this column should be for $43.3 million.
Posted by dmargarita at 2:50 PM
June 12, 2002
Mass. Highway v. Stoneham
I hate getting up in the morning. I'm going to hate getting up in the morning even more when there's a highway off-ramp in my backyard.
For this reason, I made my way to the Stoneham High auditorium last week where members of Mass. Highway met with Stoneham citizens to discuss future plans regarding the proposed Rt. 93/95 interchange redesign. It was the first time I sat for an event in this auditorium since attending the 1981 Carnival Ball. Had the king and queen of that ball, Amy Boris and Kevin Maguire, been on hand on this particular evening, they would have recognized it less as a ball, and more as a carnival.
Being a government bureaucrat speaking to a group of taxpayers, one tends to be about as popular as Al Sharpton at a Klan rally. As a result I actually felt some sympathy for the evening's moderator, Stanley Wood, the project manager who got booed when he introduced himself.
Mr. Wood, a quiet, self-effacing man was taunted from the beginning. One heckler accused him of just being there to collect overtime pay, which Mr. Wood initially ignored but later explained that he was on salary and thus not being paid for his appearance.
He started by telling us that we'd have to think "outside the box." I've never understood this expression, and have yet to find anyone standing next to a box, thinking. It seems to me one can think in a box, outside of a box, next to a box or nowhere near a box. He used the phrase "outside the box" a number of times, and I resisted the temptation during the question and answer period to ask him "boxers or briefs?"
He then asked to have the lights turned off to show us some projections on a screen. The lights were turned off and Mr. Wood realized then that he couldn't see and asked that at least one light be turned on so he could read his notes. The same heckler then shouted "Now your in the dark like we were!" which drew some "oohs" from the crowd.
Next came Rod Emery from Edwards and Kelsey, designers of the interchange. He spent most of his time at the podium telling us what he would talk about.
This brought Mark Abbott to the podium who had the lights dimmed again to show us what traffic projections would look like in the year 2025. I found this unconvincing however, as there were no hovercrafts included. I can't tell you too much about what Mr. Abbott said because, I don't wish to be unkind, but he was not the most scintillating speaker of the evening. In high school when the lights went off and I got bored while watching a filmstrip, my mind would wander and I'd think about girls. Needless to say, my mind wandered on this evening and I found myself thinking about women. I haven't really changed that much since high school.
A few speakers later Mr. Wood asked if there were any politicians who'd like to speak, which is like asking if there are any children who would like ice cream.
After some speeches by the local pols, there was a Q &A session in which citizens wound up heckling each other as much as the Mass. Highway officials.
I decided I'd had enough and decided to go home and watch the rest of it on local cable access TV.
There's an old saying that "You can't fight City Hall."
This may or may not be true and if you can't fight a stationary building, you probably don't have much of a chance against a moving bulldozer.
Posted by dmargarita at 9:23 PM
March 11, 2002
CAUTION: Democracy at Work
It sat there staring at me, taunting me. An empty computer screen, an electronic blank piece of paper, if you will. I continued to mock me, daring me to fill it with humorous script.
I had a few ideas of what to write about, but nowhere to go with them, and thus my predicament. I had all day to write, but I wanted to get it written before Town Meeting. Then it occurred to me; what could possibly have more comic potential than a town full of concerned citizens arguing over its future?
It was hot and stuffy inside the gymnasium of Stoneham High School where Town Meeting had been moved to due to last weeks overwhelming turnout at Town Hall. By the way, I don't understand the grammar rule that says it should be referred to as "Town Meeting" instead of "The Town Meeting." That's kind of like saying "I'm going to concert tonight."
The first issue of the night was an article to procure funding for drainage work in the Robin Hood area. It seems that since the building of a housing development the neighborhood has been the scene of some post rain flooding for many area homes. The good people of Stoneham voted in favor of the drainage work and there was no anti-drainage lobby to fight it.
Then came the issue that all had been waiting for (except the people whose houses had been flooding), the funding of $6 million to continue with the reconstruction of some schools.
Several town officials began to make the case in favor of the funding. I got the gist of it, but there were more graphs and charts than Ross Perot's 1992 presidential campaign.
This is about when I began to drift off. My mind wandered back to when I attended this school in it's previous capacity as a junior high. I thought of this very gym where Mr. Giannino would tell one of two selected squads to "turn to blue." The designated team would remove their reversible t-shirts and switch to the blue side of the shirt and become the "blue squad." This practice ended a year or two later with the introduction of co-ed gym.
I remembered how a year or two later, during co-ed gym a vaulting mishap nearly made me a co-ed.
The floor was thrown open to debate and a motion was made to have a secret ballot, to the consternation of many.
One citizen opened his remarks by saying, "Do me a favor. Don't stop loving your kids." Good advice for those that were considering that option. He than began to draw jeers from the crowd when talked about the problem of "alien children" having entered our schools. The moderator admonished him for straying from the subject at hand, which was fortunate for the citizen because I think I saw a few of the alien parents ready to vaporize him with their phasers.
The doors were locked and at 9:32 I voted, if for no other reason than to stretch my legs. The motion was carried overwhelmingly 1065 to 239 and the crowd erupted with applause at hearing the final tally, or perhaps the fact that they could leave.
The wait to leave the high school premises brought to mind an issue that I hope may one day be taken into consideration: another entrance/exit to the high school grounds.
Posted by dmargarita at 9:27 PM
February 21, 2001
BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS, AND CHALLENGERS
Recently in this space I mentioned that I wasn't all that familiar with my local Representatives stances on the issues. When I saw on local cable access a message that there would be a "Breakfast with the Legislators" at the Montvale Plaza, I thought "hurry up and get to the weekly riddle" which incidently is the same one that they've had on for months.
The guests were Sen. Richard Tsei, Rep. Brad Jones, Rep. Paul Casey, Rep. Michael Festa and some guy named "Charlie." I can't tell you Charlie's last name because Charlie was late in arriving, and when he did arrive, he didn't bother to introduce himself, as had the other candidates earlier. Charlie explained that he was late because he was working out at the YMCA, which he says that he always does in lieu of breakfast.
The Stoneham Chamber of Commerce hosted the affair which was emcee'd by the always-entertaining Michael Zizza, of Zizza Insurance and was $15 for Chamber members and $20 for non-members.
First however, came the matter of breakfast. It was a buffet style meal with eggs, bacon, potatoes (the plural for "potato" is when you use an "e," former Vice-President Quayle), bagels and ham. Of course there was coffee, both regular and decaffinated for those of us less in need for a legal buzz. The decaf coffee table was off in the corner away from the regular coffee and the rest of the food, as though it were being segregated. I sort of thought that there should be a sign over it reading "Decaf Only."
I like bagels with sour cream. It's really the sour cream that makes the bagel worth eating. In fact, I dare say that the sour cream "carries" the bagel. The problem is that the amount of bagel greatly exceeds the amount of sour cream that you put on it. Thus, you have devoured the sour cream before you've finished the bagel and the only reason that you finish the bagel is out of guilt. You don't want to waste food and you feel that you owe it to the sour cream.
The scambled eggs were delicious. Not too dry, and not too moist. Eggs are not to be eaten too much, we are told. "Cholesterol" was the scare word that we heard. "Stay away from cholesterol" we were told. "They'll take your wallet and sell your women" we were told. Then suddenly it was "Well, stay away from the bad cholesterol." Apparently there was "good" and "bad" cholesterol. So how were supposed to know the difference? I guess the "good" cholesterol wore the white hats and the "bad" cholesterol wore the black hats.
There were a variety of juices on hand. I'm a daily orange juice drinker so I proceeded to the three carafes of juice that I saw. One was apple, one was cranberry and the third was the strangest looking orange juice that I've ever seen. One sip and I realized that the reason it was strange was because it was pineapple juice. The o.j., clearly the post popular morning juice, had it's own, lager container.
Well it turned out to be a pretty good breakfast.
Oh yeah, the politicians? They made some speeches.
Posted by dmargarita at 9:49 PM
April 5, 2000
PRIMARY CONCERNS
I just got back from performing one of my civic duties, voting in the primary. Folks, if you're going to vote in the future elections, particularly a primary, I highly recommend going at ten o'clock in the morning.
We've all been through the scene of voting after work, say from 5:30 to 8:00 p.m. I doubt I'm the only one who tries to sneak in without some politician rushing over to shake my hand and saying:
"Todd Garfield. I'm running for the sixth district. I hope you'll consider me."
They're like hockey goalies sliding back and forth across the crease, hoping to stop every puck coming their way.
If I wasn't planning on voting for you, a handshake isn't going to change my position. If I was undecided, my natural inclination is not to vote for you now anyway.
I read the papers and try to keep up with what's going on in the world. I also try to follow what's going on more locally, with such issues as the Big Dig fiasco. However, I have to admit that I'm not as up on some very local issues as I should be, such as Stoneham's Town Common Project, or as I call it "The Little Dig."
Every week on this page are columns by our local legislators. I'm not proud to admit that I hardly ever read them, but it's true. Sorry, guys. Maybe you could pep them up with a little humor. Such as "Two senators are sitting around watching TV. They come across a horse race on one of those channels. The first senator says, 'That nag out in front is a shoo-in to win.' The other senator says, 'That's no nag; that's a philly, buster.'"
Not a great joke, but the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment(sorry).
The choices arent too difficult when someone is running unopposed, but when there are multiple candidates things get murky. Take for example the election for Register of Probate.
The candidates were: Dean Bruno, John Buonomo, Tara DeCristofaro, L. Paul Lucero representing the Italian portion of the ticket, and Melissa Hurley, Thomas Concannon, Francis Flaherty, Robert Weslay Keough and Ed McMahon (I had wondered what he's been doing since The Tonight Show) representing the Irish part of the ticket. Since I am of both Irish and Italian decent, ethnic pride goes out the window as a possible voting guide.
Only Hurley, Bruno and DeCristofaro had background information in the last week's Independent. The rest, I have no idea about. Which is a problem because we are asked to vote for people about whom we know nothing. Not reading my legislators' columns, I have to assume that none of them are in favor of the mandatory torturing of puppies. For all we know, sometimes we could be voting for the next Hitler. I'm sure that at some point in time, someone in Germany was looking at a ballot and saying "Hmmmm....Hitler. Sounds like an interesting name. I'll vote for him."
His career took off after what must go down as the worst college interview of all time.
"I'm sorry Mr. Hitler, but I don't see you fitting in at art school. Have you considered going into politics?"
Posted by dmargarita at 10:18 PM